Crush

They say if you really loved somebody, let him go, if he comes back to you, then his yours, if he doesn't, then he'll never be. I know i sound a bit emotional today, but that used to be one of the regular sayings while i was in school. You can say that there were many relationships as well as break ups so that trigger the old saying to be popular. I used to admire this one boy in school (be proud, because it's been so long since i've opened up to anyone about this, yes, i'm a painfully shy girl, if you must). Fortunately enough, this is the same boy that used to kacau me in the first place. You have to understand that it's very rare of me to me like someone who doesn't have any connections with me in the first place. Although it's true that i've never talked to him before, but the silence makes it all the more interesting. Of course the boy never knew i liked him, and i tried hard to ensure my best friends did nothing to let him know, but it's sure a pain to keep that secret. It was only natural that i often heard my name called when i made my way to the dining hall, or the surau or the netball court, or even in between classes. In the first few incidents, i grew mad and embarrassed, but there was simply nothing i could do to stop that, so i acted like nothing happened. Maybe we grew up, and his taunts diminished, but i sadly missed the times when he called me. It wasn't flattering, it wasn't maddening, it was just.. different. I felt i knew him through those name-calling sessions. When it was time for him to leave school (he was a senior) i knew i was going to miss him. And missing was what i did. I never attempted to show him i liked him. I was afraid the answer was negative. Those little things he did,like cheering me up during netball practices were moments i cherished, to this very day. Now i know, it wasn't him i liked, but simply how differently he treated me. Oh, forgot to mention,we used to exchange letters, and that's simply the way we talked, apart from emails and the constant kirim salam tradition. ln the letters, he would address me as adik, and himself as abang. So it was a brother-sister relationship. I liked him like as any sister would, but i also admired him. He wasn't the best of brothers, but simply, it felt good to have someone who cared and made an effort to make your life in an otherwise quite unbearable place a really fun one.

To this date, i am proud to say that no one has ever replaced him. I am not shy to say that i still like him today. Photos of us sit happily together on my study table. We are still in touch, but it's not the same anymore. Now i am more opened, but maybe still a little bit shy if we ever meet face to face. But the chance is almost zero, so being shy online is stupid so we chat like normal. Of course, he doesn't know any of this, but i'm not going to let him know, no way.
Someone said to me that i must moved on. I cannot cling to the past and live in those happy memories. They're wrong. I'm not praying for miracles to happen, but somehow, thinking that u have agood life in the past is able to make u smile during your worst moments. It does for me. And the picture of us will sit at my study table for as long as i want.