Which city is famous for Strawhats, Vauxhall and had an album named after its airport?

....It's Luton of course!

Yes yes, I'm in Luton now, after two weeks living like a nomad. Alhamdulillah, at last, I found a pad here for me and my mom. We moved here on Saturday the 26th of July, and I could not stop counting my blessings, although it wasn't really smooth sailing. But the landlord and his family are great people and they tried their best to make us feel home.

The first day we found out that the hot water was not working properly, told him on Sunday, and he promised that someone would come on Monday to fix it. The guy came, but the boiler decided to behave when he was around so surprise surprise, there was no hot water again when he left! But he was a nice gentleman who made some small talks with me, so I didn't know that he was paid 60 quid for just 10 minute worth of talking!

The second guy came on Tuesday, but he also did not solve the problem. My guess was he was with the same company with the first one, but he said something like he needed to talk with the landlord to let him do thorough cleaning of the boiler, and for this he needed to break the wall or something. So I let him go and said I'd tell the landlord about this. And only when Mr J came later that night with another boiler man did I know that the other two guys were paid 60 quid each time and still no result! What a waste!

The third guy was Mr J's friend from Pakistan, and he looked professional, and I was surprised to see that he was willing to come and look at the boiler at that hour (11pm!). To that MrJ replied that he was a friend of his, and said he's a really busy man and since he's good at what he's doing he was booked up during the day. This guy did clean the boiler and put some strong chemical in it and before leaving he told some jokes to me and I laughed with them although he took his time to tell it. After he's done he said insyaAllah the boiler will work again, but the next morning it's back to cold water after 30 seconds of shower!

And then on Wednesday MrJ said he'd taken a contract with BGas and another guy would come and fix the boiler. I was so relieved by this, since a contract means there won't be anymore of "wait a few days and it'll work fine" kind of comments, since they have to make sure whatever they do will amount to results! And this also means MrJ doesn't need to fork out more money for some boiler man to come in and get paid for nothing.

So the 4th guy came at 9am on Friday as promised and I had to take some time to put on my hijab (to which the boilerman thought I was still in bed!). He looked like he knew what he was doing, and he had one small laptop-like machine with which he checked the boiler, and his phone is that superhard panasonic types and I think only handy-men like this would own one cause it doesn't have the camera/3G etc. But I bet they could be thrown on rocks and still work fine. And when I asked him politely whether he'd mine taking his shoes off, he said he could use his overshoes instead. See, only professionals like this carry overshoes with them while they do house visits and I think I want to get some of them so that I can give to visitors who don't like taking their shoes off before entering the house. But I still don't know where they're sold though.

After about 2 hours, he said he figured out what needed to be fixed, and he needed to get the parts and come back on Monday. He put something like smoke detector on the wall and said he'd bill that to MrJ. Poor MrJ, he's been spending a lot for this part of the house since we moved in.

So we've been blessed with hot water since Monday and I'm very pleased. The guy spent more than 3 hours in the kitchen and I really ran out of ideas to chat to him so I spent time between checking up on him and blog-hop. This guy is a lot younger than previous boiler men, and he might even be somewhere around my age.

Another thing about the house: There was only a dryer, which I thought was a washer dryer before. And after talking to MrJ, he promised to buy a washer dryer instead. I said a washing machine would be fine not wanting him to think that I'm demanding, but he insisted, so a few days ago he brought a new one home. But after painstakingly installing it, we found that it wasn't spinning correctly, so it had to be replaced. So today I was waiting for him since morning to come and take it to the shop, and he only came at 4pm when I was in the shower.

I also sold his old dryer for 60 quid. Quite cheap, but better than leaving it outside to stand the August showers! I hope MrJ is pleased with the sale since he did say that he was going to throw it away as he had nowhere to put it! The idea to sell it is of course from me, on the day that he installed the w.m, and he asked his daughter to do it instead. But I had secretly done it myself without knowing that not one, but two ppl would actually be interested! So no more dryer on my front door, yay!

And when his daughters came for their iqra' class tonight, they gave me a key to the front door/gate. He just fixed it today alhamdulillah. No more knocking the door after coming back from the shops!

While I was in hiatus...

Oh before I forget, we went for a road trip just before my mom arrived. Marjan, Siti, Nadiah, Fizah and me. We went to Land's End and then Cornwall to check out the beaches. Unfortunately it started raining just after a few minutes when we got the Land's End, so we got to spend more time in the car instead of on the beach. Nevertheless, we still went out and brave the weather to take some pics. I really admired how Marjan was able to drive through the long journey. And we ate A LOT too! We cooked nasi goreng and pasta the night before for the trip and had so much of junk foods too! I swear I gained more than whatever I lost the fortnight before!

While I was in hiatus..I

A lot has happened since the last entry on June 15th. As I'm writing this, Mama is asleep on the bed and I'm very very grateful to Allah for having her with me now. Let's recall what has happened since June 15th.

I was busy working at Arden and Arts Centre after exams and on some good days I put on my running shoes and ran around campus after work. Plus some mornings when I wasn't working. That was fun. On some days, I had Jang/Siti with me and we'd talk about a lot of things.

And then there was packing to do as we had to move out of Hurst by 28th June. To westwood. The day before we had to move out, I was trying to hire a van to move my boxes to a store (which hadn't been decided yet by then), but they were either booked up or too expensive! I was planning to store my stuff with some other friends, but Alhamdulillah I worked out a better alternative. Thanks to my friends' neighbour; an elderly lady whom I've never met before. She let me put my stuff at her place for free!

Westwood was okay, I was sharing with Marjan and Siti, but the floor was really packed with uni-leavers, no-one was really taking care of hygiene! I hate going into the kitchen/bathroom at night. Too disgusting, so I avoided these places as much as I could. I'd just go to work in the morning, after work I'd go to the prayer hall as most of the time I'd be working at Arts Centre till late. Thank God for Sha's bike and shuttle van at night!

Mama arrived on the 12th of July and I had booked myself another room at Westwood on the 10th. As I was working for graduation, we'd be moving out again for Rootes, and I was so sorry for my mom as we had to move out for so many times. And I know she's not as strong as she used to be anymore, so going up and down the stairs are really not for her, but I had no other choice.

Dilemma...

I received an email from Adik the other day asking me not to buy my tickets yet since Mama suggested that I don't go home at all. I was a bit disappointed and disheartened by the email, not least because I have been planning 1oo1 things to do if/when I go home. I didn't go home last summer since I thought it was going to be my last summer, and naturally I missed home terribly now. I missed my cats more than anything else. Of course I missed my parents above all else, but I get to speak to them over the phone regularly (even if voip stunt lines sometimes leave a lot to be desired!), but I long to hold my cats once more. When I was in first year, mama kept from me about Misai's passing, until I dreamed about it, and when she finally told me, it had been more that six months! Misai was the closest to me and even when I'm writing this, tears are flooding in my eyes thinking about him. May Allah take care of him.

I think I've blogged about my cats before, but since I came back from autumn 2006, I lost count of who died, who were the newborns and who got picked up from the market, and who came from the bushes at night. By 'who' I mean the cats of course. It's a long story - the history of how we get to keep cats at home in Napoh. It started with Pung (the mother, cos she had a son named Pong as well and he ran away while I was home for summer).

And then I knew that Misai came to our house at night as a little kitten hungry and cold, and my parents fed him and let him stay. And then Anne came as a beautiful teenager. Anne is the strongest of them all, she came as a full-grown cat (mama said she was already remaja) and bore many many kittens than we cared to count, many of whom died along the way, but she kept on bearing beautiful kittens for us. Even now, when her surviving children started to get pregnant, she got pregnant too:) Talking about being productive. And did I tell you she was beutiful?

And how did this entry become a story about cats? I should really keep my focus!

Anyways, the day after I read the email from Adik, I called home, and since nobody picked up the phone, I called abah, my parents were on the road, so I said I'd call back and then I forgot. Two mornings later, I called again and then cried over the phone to abah. I didn't do it intentionally, it was because I was so sad for not being able to go home. I missed so many things about home, it's hard to even list them down. I've never even seen Anis, my brother Bangcik's first born and my parents' first grand-daughter since she was born a few weeks after I flew back here in autumn 2006.

I missed durian, I missed cendoi, I missed Asun's market on Friday mornings, I missed the heat, I missed going out to surau with Abah, I missed going out for a ride and talking about politics, and I missed everything else I could not do here. Like riding a motorcycle to work. Like teasing and bullying Ikram. Like being angry with the cats and chickens when they decided to dirty the floors after I spent my energy mopping them several times! I missed feeding the cats and just watching them eating like hungry little things, even if they've been fed three times before! I missed them crawling on my feet whilst I mixed their food (boiled fishes and freshly cooked rice), and trying to warn them that it's still hot. I missed giving them a bath when they're super dirty and smelly and needless to say getting a few scratches in the procession. I missed them dearly:(

My goal after exams!

I made a pack with Siti that we should both try and lose a few kilos after exams. Our motivation? So that we'd look good in our graduation pics and when we smile we can smile as wide as possible and don't have to worry about our faces going too round or our eyes going too small! Well the latter part only applies to me actually. If you must know, I refused to smile in my Form Five pictures since my cheeks would push my tudung outwards and make me look like a certain creature which I would not mention. Seriously that was when I was 17 and when I weighed a few grams short of 50!

And now ladies and gentlemen, I am nowhere near the 8 stone mark on your bathroom scales, but in pictures I still smiled broadly, but I had to face the camera sideways in the intention to make my face (and the full body mind you) look slimmer! Hah, who says camera trick was difficult! Alas, I don't think it works anyway...

So, now, I have made a promise to myself to exercise at least 30 minutes everyday, and so far I have been keeping the promise. It has just been a week, and I have only lost about 1 1/2 kilos! I refuse to give up, since giving up would undoubtedly pile on the weight again. I've tried before and when I gave up, it proved that my weight went soaring up again! So let's see how it goes. I pray to Allah to give me strengths to do this, what I need is just determination.

Just four weeks left to graduation, and hopefully I can shed a few more kilos and be all smiles again for graduation!

What is this feeling...

I seriously don't know how to describe this feeling, yet I always have it after exams. Yeah it's the feeling that you don't have to do anything and when this happens it's so weird that no entertainment is half entertaining anymore! For example, after I went for a jog with Siti this morning, I tried going on youtube to listen to some of Siti's songs like I normally do when i got bored with revisions, but I stopped halfway and tried another one. Yeah you guessed it, I didn't finish that one either! Either I'm loosing interest on Siti, or my mind has a life of it's own it's decided to not get entertained by music!

I even tried Lee Chong Wei's historic match against Lin Dan in Msia Open in Kuching (which is btw the most fantastic match of the century which never failed to amuse me before, and I've watched it for more that 5 times!), but that didn't work either. Haih.

So yeah, in conclusion, I seriously think I need to get back to some 'studying' since I realised that is actually what my brain needs! Well before you groan, studying does not have to be Advanced Financial Reporting or Corporate Tax, I could probably start with some current issues like Msian politics (altogether now euwwww!). haha

Done with exams!

Wooo-hoooo! I finished exams and degree! The results are another matter, but seriously after the end of Japanese paper, it was a nice feeling I had, not least because the questions were not too difficult as I had imagined. I thought Japanese was going to be the hardest one for me, since I hadn't done so well in the two tests before - largely because the readings were so difficult I couldn't understand the entire passage, and if you don;t understand what it says, how in the world are you going to answer the comprehension questions!

The night before the exam, I was panicking like crazy and in the morning, I went to Siti's room to do some last minutes Q&A, and we realised there were still sooo many kanjis we hadn't memorised! Luckily, the kanji questions were easy and readings were okay too. I had a nice 30 minute to check for silly mistakes like spellings etc before the time was up.

We went to Tesco's straight after the paper, I didn't bring any money since I thought if the paper was superhard, I would just go back to my room and sulk alone! That's typical me, I should know:P

And then later, stopped by at Dira and Wani's place, wani's mom was there, she was making cucuq ikan bilis, but I was not in the mood, but had some sagu gula melaka and teh o ais (super sedap since it was quite hot that day). Chatted with her mom and then had to excuse ourselves since we had another invitation from kak Min. She cooked for us, kari ayam and salad which were really sedap and licin in less than and hour! Sedap!! thanks Kak Min!

Of exams and Allah's help

Hari ni ada corporate tax exams. Exam dah mula lama, tapi ada satu cerita nak share hari ni.

Bangun pukol 8.15 am (tidoq dah pukoi 3 pagi), mandi sat saja, pastu baca sikit2 pasal transfer pricing lagi sbb rasa2 macam masuk la kot. (Alhamdulillah ada la soalan pasai ni).

Pastu dah nak kluaq la dengan siti ngn sarah, macam tergesa2 jugak la, depa dah siap kat luaq, pastu jalan la pi, sambil2 tanya2 soalan. pastu dah kat luaq exam hall tu, dok bincang2 lagi, tiba2 perasan takdak calculator!!!!! tak pernah jadi ni! lupa nak bawak pulak. panic habih, dah la orang ramai, dah la tak bawak duit nak beli! nasib baik ada dira, dia bawak kad, pi la bookshop, tapi tak dak scientific calculator!!!! ada ka patut. lari pi costcutter (dira kata belum pukoi 9.30 lagi) cari2 tanya org tu, dia bagi la yang agak buruk dan pelik dan cikai tu. dira tolong bayaq, dira suruh pi tanya sapa2 boleh dak pinjam. aku tanya dua org, tak kenal pon, tapi semua tak dak. aku pasrah la kan. salah sendiri pon. dira masih dalam costcutter lagi. rasa guilty gila la, kalau terlambat masuk exam macam mana? dah la 2 jam tu memang lynne oats kata cukup2 ja. pastu lari lagi, dira dah kluaq costcutter dah. check number meja, dira check, tiba2 Leena Patel kawan sama class aku (British) said hi. I said hi back, pastu cakap la aku lupa bawak calculator, dia ada dua!!!! dan dia terus kata guna la, dah la yang tu sama macam calculator lama aku yang dah habih batteri tu. Alhamdulillah!!! Allah nak tolong la ni. sbb yang beli tadi tu tak macam scientific, takleh nampak double line tu (paham ka ni). kira dia macam ordinary calculator la, dah la tak biasa kan, so nanti mesti lambat!!.

Ni la gambaq calc yang beli kat costcutter tu dan yang lagi satu tu aku punya, tapi sama macam leena bagi pinjam. Yang bawak tu yang abah baru beli tahun ni yang aku lupa! Nak tunjuk yang kat costcutter tu dia satu line saja.

Alhamdulillah la kan. aku pon ambik, terus masuk ngn dira. bila masuk, ingat meja aku 262, ada org duduk, dengan slamba aku kata "are u sure u're sitting here?" she said yes. sudah, aku dah salah tengok la ni. dengan ayunya aku jalan kluaq balik. panic mmg panic, tapi control la. masa ni org tak start lagi tapi dah dekat la kot. aku kluaq check balik, 292! haih, salah tengok plak! sebenaqnya bukan salah tengok, tapi sbb kejadian tadi tu, aku dan termixed up la kot. alhamdulillah meja aku dua dari depan, so senang la nampak, tak buang masa cari2 semua. Alhamdulillah. duduk2 ja, tak dan tulih nama dah boleh start.

Aku buat essay dulu, essay ok la kot. lepas tu buat section A, ada la dalam 3, 4 soalan aku taktau. so buat la calculation. soalan ok, dah pernah tengok, tak tricky sangat, tapi aku banyak tak sure!!!! geram sungguh dengan diri ini!!! underlying tax aku tak sure kena tambah ka dak dalam schedule D case 3 tu! haih... so sbb tak sure, aku tengok masa ada lagi, aku pon buat dua2 calculation questions tu!!! lagi satu pasal group relief, yang ni ok sket, tapi banyak assumption.. aku harap lynne oats tanda dua2 dan ambik yang paling tinggi lah no... Ya Allah tolonglah bukakkan hati lynne oats untuk kesian kat aku... aku dah cuba terbaik dah...

tapi aku try jugak lah jawab section A bagi habih, ada yang aku main tulis saja apa aku tau. ada satu soalan tu aku tak ingat lansung penah baca ka dak. haih.. (tanya siti, dia kata dia pon sama, so ni mesti dari chapter 8 yang aku assumed tak kan ada soalan sbb kami dah penah buat assignment on it).

So bila dah habih masa tu, lynne oats mai nak ambik, aku masih tulis nama! seb baik dia tak kisah. overall alhamdulillah la.

Lepas tu pi ambik feedback ngn dira for assignments (CMS + Learning Diary2).

Alhamdulillah, inilah assignment aku yang paling tinggi. for cms. aku banyak tanya org la nak buat essay ni. dia pasai plating, so aku tanya bob, abah, abg sharizal. pastu aku ada tanya sorang budak ni aku tak tau nama dia tapi dia sama seminar ngn aku (so terima kasih banyak2 semoga Allah balas la jasa dia ni, amin.) Alhamdulillah sangat2, kalau kerana usaha aku, memang tak padan la, tapi ini lah dia kuasa Allah, dia nak tolong aku ni.. sebab ada assignment lain aku dapat teruk sangat2 (tak mau cakap sbb sedih gila).

Alhamdulillah ya Allah, Kau lah penolong nombor satu aku. Aku sekarang lebih tenteram sbb aku ada penolong yang agung macam ni.

Thomas Ahrens comment (takdak sapa baca blog ni pon, so nanti2 kalau aku dah hilang kertas feedback ni, aku boleh la tengok kat sini untuk hiburkan hati)

"Very good report. Analysed the case in great detail and focus on key issues. Excellent use of literature to frame the argument and support conclusions. Very professional!"

Thank you Thomas! May Allah bless you always and always!! (dia ni Islam tau, nanti2 aku nak cerita pasai dia lah, aku suka sangat lectures and seminars dia!)

ok dah la tu. aku kena study for AFR dan japanese. Ya Allah, tolong lah aku lagi!!!

The one who blew the whistle

It's probably not so hot a topic now: Chua Soi Lek's fame rose overnight after two dvds were circulated in Johor late December last year. Many have been talking about a certain politician's scandal, but it was confirmed within a week when the man himself made a PC in front of hungry press and his even hungrier musuh dalam selimut (aka friends of the same party who don't like the man's guts).

I don't want to post links to other articles of the same issue. Partly because this is like the umpteenth time it's been raised again. And secondly I have far too many assignments already to worry about proper referencing.

But today 2nd April, in Malaysiakini, the said dvd star said that he has some clues on who the culprit behind the whole incident that caused him losing his job, and some air muka (because I'm sure he did not regret what he did! Correct me if I'm wrong but when I saw the PC, there was even a tinge of proud when he said he was the man behind the tape! Teringin nak jadi filem star rupanya kau), as well as a machoness a person normally has for being able to cheat on his wife. Oh don't get me started here... I'm sure although the wife made statements of how they were all behind him, the scenes at home might not be that idyllic.

Anyways, too much digression there. Yeah so the whistleblower of the incident may be someone the shortlived star knows personally. But then again, are the media and the press at large interested to know who that person or persons might be? Not too much I suppose. Same with any other whistleblowing cases, the hero will be able to escape the attention so long as the impacts are insurmountable. So Mr Ah-Chua, don't try looking for more cheap publicity la, we were more interested on what you did than the person with the VCR who obviously knew well enough about your favourite past-time, what your favourite hotel/motel/resthouse in Muar, andalso the taukeh that owns the place (I bet taukeh received his rewards for the tips as well.) And the personal friend? Let's give her the benefits of the doubt shall we?)

I remembered when we had the group presentation of whistleblowing in CIM class, I was easily fascinated by the stories about those whistleblowers and the necessary protection for them for the kind of backlash they might receive. This doctor from Bristol Infirmary case had to flee to Australia for blowing the whistle about how doctors in that hospital are causing unnecessary deaths of young babies during simple operations.

I was asked at the end of the presentation about the nature of whistle blowing in Malaysia, I was stumped for a moment trying to figure out any interesting cases (of course this was before Soi Lek's rose to stardom). In Malaysia most of these stories relate very much to politics. Everything will be related to politics somehow. MAS overspending on RM3 m worth of paintings come to mind. Pak Lah's RM60 m house in Perth, or Najib's and Razak Baginda's joint-partnership of securing contracts for MINDEF and at the same time pocketing more rich to their already fat wallets and even fattier bank accounts.

All these spread of stories would not be made possible if there are no people brave enough to get up of their fat ar*es and blow the whistle. It does not matter how strong the sound. For the wind will carry it as long as man is allowed to breath by the Almighty.

Burnt

I burnt the kitchen today. Again. This is actually the third time. But it's the first time that the alarm went off. The other two incidents I was quite lucky that it did not trigger the alarm although they were much worse than this since this time around there wasn't any food burnt or even fire. Only smoke. Thick black smoke that blackened every inch of the wall, ceiling and cupboard doors. Even the floor. Everything.

I'm now trying to figure out what signs did I get this morning that perhaps might give away that something bad would happen today. None. Nada. well except for the fact that I was late for subuh. But everything else was like normal. Had my shower and wanted to cook something for brunch. Heat up the grill and went to type the CIM report. And then the alarm went off.

I ran off and found the kitchen covered in smoke. The pot with oil was hot. Took it and poured water into sink. Opened window. Tried to wipe off the smoke from wall. Too dark in there couldn't see anything.

Alhamdulillah

Allah really knows best. When you're feeling uncertain and losing confidence in yourself, never never lose your belief in Him, for He - the Creator of everything has it all planned for you. I was in my lowest of low the beginning of February, cried my heart out everyday on the phone, couldn't talk to anyone else but my mother, and was just about to lose belief in myself.

I was more frustrated that this test has some effects on something I'm planning for myself, particularly the one that involves big decision about my future after graduating this summer. But He never leaves His servants in the dark for too long. He answers calls and helps when you ask and seek for them. And then there were new doors opening up for me. More and more help. During these times I kept on praying that He'll make it easy for me if the plan is a good one. And that if it isn't, give me some signs. In my case the help came in the forms of advice, friends who were willing to spend time detailing what I needed to do and most importantly a mother who knows just the right things and words to say to get me back on my feet again. And a father who never doubts his flawed, imperfect daughter, and keep on believing in my dream.

Alhamdulillah, I am offered a position in the company I applied to. It was a complete surprise, yes I was hoping and prepared well for the interviews and tests, yet never thought I'd make it. Now praying that this is the best one for me and hopefully I'll adapt well and will be able to adjust to the changes and challenges well. Time for more and bigger plans actually. Oh Lord, help me please...

Birthdays

The past weeks have been the most eventful ones in my life. I'd like to believe that I've been through some tests in life, and the outcomes have seriously made me a stronger person.

Also, in February two other family members including celebrated their birthdays, adik (my older brother) on the 10th and mama on the 26th. I didn't get to wish Adik on his although he was home at the time I called and spoke to mama, but there were more pressing matters, and I was just mentally unstable at the time. I felt bad for this but I hope he knows how much I love him and my wishes for him to achiever his every desire in this life and hereafter.

As Kak Siha was here for about one month, and was leaving for Malaysia a couple of weeks back, I took the chance to get something for my parents and Ikram back home. After having a terrible experience with Pos Malaysia a year ago; where a parcel full with new Baby clothes for Anis (my bro Bancik's daughter, and first niece in the family!) went missing and couldn't be traced by anyone, I completely lost my trust to post anything else. There were few attempts though, I sent some birthday cards last year, but was completely exasperated when it never arrived! I am led to believe that the postmen or women might have just completely erased my parents' address from their system. Either that or they got lost on the way there from the highway. Or probably there's a magic spell that makes my house untraceable and couldn't be seen by the human eyes. I reserve my rants for another entry perhaps.

On the night of mine, my flatmates were so nice to throw a surprise. It was a Sunday (the next day was my birthday) and everyone was gone for the weekend except me (I'm always the boring one!) and another flatmate N. I was sure nobody would be there but later on close or probably after midnight they were throwing something onto my window. And then they were more people banging on the door. D, M, and W who were from other flats were also there. They were cakes and pizzas and muffins and balloons. I'm never a big birthday person but I appreciate it a lot nonetheless. Thanks girls!!

And happy birthday to other people celebrating on February, also to some who don't get to see their birthday too often, here's to all who were born on the 29th! Wow, how lucky, you guys age once in 4 years time!

Di Satu Malam Sabtu.

Jenayah makin menjadi-jadi. Sana rompak, sini bunuh, situ samun.

Harga barang melambung-lambung. Minyak naik, gula naik, tepung naik, beras naik, tol naik, ayam naik. "RM1 sekarang dah macam takdak apa lagi dah", kata mama dalam telefon.

"Yang pakcik jual kuih sekupang satu tu ada lagi ma?",

"Sapa lah yang nak menjuai sekupang satu.. dia pon dah sama naik rega."

"yaka.."

Inflasi makin menjadi, ahli AMNOR dah tak sabaq nak bertanding. Apa Imam Hadhari buat?

Harrods- 1st September 2007

Yours truly will be going here as part of a weekend retreat tomorrow. Kak Nida is my travel partner, and we'll be joining Kak Biha and Kak Yati; both of whom have been my travel partners to Portsmouth previously. Harrods not having any sale, so I don't expect myself to come out loaded with anything than perhaps a ridiculously expensive Harrods bag, that is if I'm lucky!

Waktu rehat

Dulu di sekolah rendah, aku agak taiko. Garang ya amat, aku syak budak lelaki memang ramai yang tak suka kat aku. Budak pompuan, erm aku tak tau. Tapi ni nak cerita pasal lain.

Tiap kali rehat, aku jimat belanja wang saku. Wang dari mama selalu tak tetap, kadang-kadang seringgit (ni time darjah 1, bila dah naik tahap 2, ada peningkatan), kadang-kadang lebih kalau abah ada. Tapi aku selalu ada duit lebihlah. Dalam dompet kecil tu (alah yang dapat free kalau beri barang kemas tu), selalunya banyak duit syiling 20 sen dan 50 sen.

Lepas makan rehat, kami akan ramai-ramai panjat tangga ke tingkat 3. Kena cepat-cepat nanti orang ramai. Sebab aku agak taiko (dari budak sebaya), selalunya aku di depan lah. Bagi salam pada cikgu yang namanya sama dengan ayah aku, tapi dia dah tua, berkopiah putih, janggut sejemput, dan bertubuh kecil. Dia duduk menghala keluar kelas, ada meja, dan ada buku log besar di atas meja dengan pen merah dan biru.

Budak-budak bagi salam, ambik pen, hulur duit, dan tulis nama dan tarikh, jumlah, lepas tu sign. Kadang-kadang dia bagi juga tengok buku kecil ada gambar buah-buahan kat depan. Ada budak bagi 20 sen, 10 sen, 50 sen. Kalau ada duit banyak, bagilah seringgit atau lima ringgit. Kalau abah baru balik dari Indon, selalunya abah akan bagi 10 ringgit suruh bagi kat cikgu tu.

Buku gambar buah-buahan tu ada banyak kat dalam beg tepi cikgu tu, ada sticker ikut nombor siri untuk setiap orang. Kalau ada yang nak tengok, dia ambik satu karung, cari ikut nombor siri, keluar satu, yang lain dia ikat balik dengan getah gelang. Tapi kadang-kadang sangatlah dia bagi tengok, sebab ramai yang menunggu, waktu rehat 40 minit saja.

Nama cikgu tu Cikgu Marzuki. Kami semua beratur nak masuk duit dalam Bank Pertanian. Semua dah mendaftar sebelum tu, dan ada buku akaun masing-masing. Cikgu Marzuki yang pegang. Dia kumpul duit budak-budak, dan lepas dah banyak dia masukkan dalam akaun.

Tiap kali aku bukak laci abah dan nampak buku akaun tu, aku teringat masa rehat di sekolah.

Sakit

Sekarang ni perasaan malas makin menjadi-jadi. Cuti lima minggu, 2 assignments pon tak boleh siap. Dok sibuk buat apa pun tak tau lah. Bangun, mandi, siap-siap, bukak komputer check sini check sana, tiba-tiba dah petang.

Masak-masak, makan-makan, dah malam. Bila dah gelap kenalah tambah ilmu rohani sikit, jadi kerja dunia yang kena siapkan itu masih bertimbun juga.

Bila telefon rumah, mesti cakap kat mama dan abah, minta diorang doakan supaya tambah sikit kerajinan aku ni. Tapi, aku tau benda macam ni, kena datang dari dalam diri sendiri. Setakat doa ibubapa (walaupun memang doa ibu adalah yang paling mustajab), tapi diri sendiri tak mau nak berubah tak jadi juga.

Abah

Dulu kecik-kecik, aku takkan mandi satu hari kalau abah dah mandi sebelum aku bangun tidur. Aku nak bangun tidur punyalah susah, tapi kalau orang kata 'bangun abah nak pi mana tu?' cepat-cepat aku melompat bangun.

Kalau naik kereta, dekat nak sampai rumah hala balik, aku adik-beradik selalu cepat-cepat pejam mata, kadang-kadang terlena betul, tapi banyaknya berlakon. Sebab malas nak jalan sendiri keluar dari kereta. Nanti abah kena usung sorang-sorang masuk rumah. Kecuali kakak aku yang sulung lah kot, dia dah besar time tu.

Masa 6 tahun aku masuk taski, tak lama, dalam dua minggu berenti. Sebabnya, satu malas nak bangun tidur, bila sampai kelas lambat, orang gelakkan aku. Jadi aku pun malas. Tapi itu bukan sebab utama. Tiap kali balik tadika, masa makan abah tanya, tadi belajar apa, best tak, makan apa. Aku jawab semua. Lepas tu abah tanya, ustazah nama apa, cantik tak, dah kawin ka belum. Abah tanya saja nak bagi aku panas. Lepas tu aku tak mau tengok muka ustazah tu lagi.

Darjah satu aku malas nak buat kerja sekolah. Selalu abah kena tulis kerja sekolah aku pakai tangan kiri. Tapi aku tak pernah missed dapat nombor satu, sebab abah janji nak beli mountain bike kalau dapat. (sebenarnya dia risau kot, sebab aku dah la tak tadika, lepas tu takmau buat homework...)

Kalau aku balik sekolah muka masam, lepas tu abah buat lawak, aku akan hempas basikal dan beg sekolah, dan terus masuk bilik. Abah yang angkat beg sekolah masuk rumah, dan susun kasut aku.

Bila time nak periksa, kalau abah ada kat rumah, abah selalu bagi duit note RM 50, suruh letak dalam poket. Macam good luck charm lah. Kalau aku tak reti jawab periksa, aku seluk poket, macam ada abah dekat dengan aku.

Sampai aku masuk asrama pun, setiap kali aku nak exam, abah mesti suruh bawak duit 50 atau 100 masa exam. Good luck charm style abah.

Ada lebih sejuta perkara pasal abah aku sepanjang aku hidup ni. Hari ni hari lahir abah ke 51. Selamat hari lahir abah. Sayang yang tak terhingga.

whats next?

have you ever felt like the burden on your shoulders is just too much and that you just cant carry it anymore? felt like life is just sooo problematic and that everything you do is rubbish and just not working out the way you want it? felt like you just want to end everything and back to square one, or just end it alltogether. fullstop.

i do. more now than it ever before.

these few weeks have been most difficult. been thinking a lot about the problems i have, the ones that never seemed to have any end, and more kept coming piling up to the ones that have been.

i was weak, and when i'm feeling weak, taking a long shower helps ease the pain a little bit. that was when something whispered to me that that's just Allah's way of reminding me of His existence. and that whatever happens in this life is the preparation you need for the afterlife that never ends. can u imagine a life that goes on forever and ever? no u cant because nothing in this world is forver. love? love is not forever, the subject or object you love will disappear and love itself will fade. no single creation is forever, only the Creator is. like, i love my mom sooo much i'm scared to think that one day i may not see her again. everyday since i was very small i pray that if Allah wants to take any life in my family, take me first and not my parents, cos i dont think i can live when i know my mom is meeting Him. but thats wrong. cos Allah is the Creator all of things and it is His right to do what should be done. and then i love my cat misai so much, i know he must have loved me too, but then one day, he was gone too. i cried and cried, but i knew i cant make him live again. misai came into my dream the other day, and in the dream both of us were laughing, but when i woke up, tears welled up in my eyes.

it isnt that i dont believe in the afterlife that will go on for eternity, its just that at that moment, when i was having my shower and thinking how difficult my life has become now, then it strucked me. its alright, u dont live in this world forever, its just temporary. like when u go to someplace u dont like, but u know u will get out of that place, then every minute when u think about how u hate to be there, u will find solace in knowing that the time will come for u to get out of there. its something like that.

then, all my problems and complications of life sort of diminished. its ok, i heard my inner self telling me. if u think u're not perfect, then there are millions of reasons why God made u the way u are, have those things happened the way they did and everything else. u dont have to like all of them, cos they are only temporary. the afterlife is for eternity, you should work more for that. material things in this world, the things that everyone's after, what good is it for the afterlife? nothing at all. and let us all take comfort in that and start working more for the one thats forever: the afterlife.

..and what kind of world are we living in today?

I will be really honest here about the fact that I have not been a very loyal follower of the case. I read articles about him in different perspectives. One of the earliest ones I think was from Readers Digest. Yes, the Western views of him. You know how it would be. That was way before any of the bad things happened to the country. But I wouldnt say that any plans were not on their way at this stage.

And then the tragedy happened. What year was that? 2004? And then they found him underground,in a small hole not fit for human to live. He was a ruler, a great one at that and the media was in joy to show where he was hiding for everyone to see. He was hiding, and not in the best shape. It was a shocking thing for kids to see. Even for those who didn't know who he was, who were too young to know who he was. It was a disgrace, for all muslims, for those who believed in him, and for those who condemned the acts. Nevermind what he had done in the past.

And then the trials began. In his own country. Judged by his own people. I never thought anyone would have the guts to try his own ruler. He was the legitimate ruler of the country, no one can deny that. Nevermind what he had done in the past. The ones after that are traitors and tresspassers. It is so obvious you have to admit it.

And then the verdict came. Oh what did others say? You know, some argued that this was wrong. But did they care? They would try to pretend they heard you, but they were not interested. And those people who had the say, they just merely discussed the issue because they had to. Not because they wanted to. They made statements, and it appeared in the press, and they went home and holidays with family members and laughed their heart out. Nevermind what he had done in the past.

And then the day came. It was Eid. It was yesterday. It was the day of remembering the sacrifices of the prophets Ibrahim and Ismail (pbuh). And they chose this day to do it. They were really determined to do it on this day, nevermind that it was a hurried choice of day, they waited long enough. And the people who condemned the people who wanted to do this, did what they do best, talked it over, made statements, and then went on with their lives. Do other normal stuff. And he died in his own hometown, in the building that was built during his time as a ruler, in his own country, done by his own people, the people who once obeyed his rules. Nevermind what he had done in the past.

Allah will grant him his share of the world and ours too. He is the martyr.

And the same question appeared in my mind.

No names

Bautiful song with a bautiful composition.

Take my hand my dear
We know that the time it is near
Be strong and be brave,my dear
Let me go now,let me go

How it came to this
It's not clear
Long and lonely nights
Now I fear
Though I need your hand to hold,
My dear
Let me go now,let me go
Let me go now,let me go

Take my hand my dear
We were drifting year after year
When we tried our best to fly,my dear
Let me go now,let me go

How it came to this
It's not clear
Long and lonely night
Now i fear
Be strong and be brave
My dear
Let me go now,let me go
Let me go now,let me go

Take my hand my dear
Love takes us far away from here
Tell me once again so I hear
Let me go now,let me go
Let me go now,let me go

Let me go now,let me go
Let me go now,let me go

Its hard not to feel related to this song.