Di Satu Malam Sabtu.

Jenayah makin menjadi-jadi. Sana rompak, sini bunuh, situ samun.

Harga barang melambung-lambung. Minyak naik, gula naik, tepung naik, beras naik, tol naik, ayam naik. "RM1 sekarang dah macam takdak apa lagi dah", kata mama dalam telefon.

"Yang pakcik jual kuih sekupang satu tu ada lagi ma?",

"Sapa lah yang nak menjuai sekupang satu.. dia pon dah sama naik rega."

"yaka.."

Inflasi makin menjadi, ahli AMNOR dah tak sabaq nak bertanding. Apa Imam Hadhari buat?

Harrods- 1st September 2007

Yours truly will be going here as part of a weekend retreat tomorrow. Kak Nida is my travel partner, and we'll be joining Kak Biha and Kak Yati; both of whom have been my travel partners to Portsmouth previously. Harrods not having any sale, so I don't expect myself to come out loaded with anything than perhaps a ridiculously expensive Harrods bag, that is if I'm lucky!

Waktu rehat

Dulu di sekolah rendah, aku agak taiko. Garang ya amat, aku syak budak lelaki memang ramai yang tak suka kat aku. Budak pompuan, erm aku tak tau. Tapi ni nak cerita pasal lain.

Tiap kali rehat, aku jimat belanja wang saku. Wang dari mama selalu tak tetap, kadang-kadang seringgit (ni time darjah 1, bila dah naik tahap 2, ada peningkatan), kadang-kadang lebih kalau abah ada. Tapi aku selalu ada duit lebihlah. Dalam dompet kecil tu (alah yang dapat free kalau beri barang kemas tu), selalunya banyak duit syiling 20 sen dan 50 sen.

Lepas makan rehat, kami akan ramai-ramai panjat tangga ke tingkat 3. Kena cepat-cepat nanti orang ramai. Sebab aku agak taiko (dari budak sebaya), selalunya aku di depan lah. Bagi salam pada cikgu yang namanya sama dengan ayah aku, tapi dia dah tua, berkopiah putih, janggut sejemput, dan bertubuh kecil. Dia duduk menghala keluar kelas, ada meja, dan ada buku log besar di atas meja dengan pen merah dan biru.

Budak-budak bagi salam, ambik pen, hulur duit, dan tulis nama dan tarikh, jumlah, lepas tu sign. Kadang-kadang dia bagi juga tengok buku kecil ada gambar buah-buahan kat depan. Ada budak bagi 20 sen, 10 sen, 50 sen. Kalau ada duit banyak, bagilah seringgit atau lima ringgit. Kalau abah baru balik dari Indon, selalunya abah akan bagi 10 ringgit suruh bagi kat cikgu tu.

Buku gambar buah-buahan tu ada banyak kat dalam beg tepi cikgu tu, ada sticker ikut nombor siri untuk setiap orang. Kalau ada yang nak tengok, dia ambik satu karung, cari ikut nombor siri, keluar satu, yang lain dia ikat balik dengan getah gelang. Tapi kadang-kadang sangatlah dia bagi tengok, sebab ramai yang menunggu, waktu rehat 40 minit saja.

Nama cikgu tu Cikgu Marzuki. Kami semua beratur nak masuk duit dalam Bank Pertanian. Semua dah mendaftar sebelum tu, dan ada buku akaun masing-masing. Cikgu Marzuki yang pegang. Dia kumpul duit budak-budak, dan lepas dah banyak dia masukkan dalam akaun.

Tiap kali aku bukak laci abah dan nampak buku akaun tu, aku teringat masa rehat di sekolah.

Sakit

Sekarang ni perasaan malas makin menjadi-jadi. Cuti lima minggu, 2 assignments pon tak boleh siap. Dok sibuk buat apa pun tak tau lah. Bangun, mandi, siap-siap, bukak komputer check sini check sana, tiba-tiba dah petang.

Masak-masak, makan-makan, dah malam. Bila dah gelap kenalah tambah ilmu rohani sikit, jadi kerja dunia yang kena siapkan itu masih bertimbun juga.

Bila telefon rumah, mesti cakap kat mama dan abah, minta diorang doakan supaya tambah sikit kerajinan aku ni. Tapi, aku tau benda macam ni, kena datang dari dalam diri sendiri. Setakat doa ibubapa (walaupun memang doa ibu adalah yang paling mustajab), tapi diri sendiri tak mau nak berubah tak jadi juga.

Abah

Dulu kecik-kecik, aku takkan mandi satu hari kalau abah dah mandi sebelum aku bangun tidur. Aku nak bangun tidur punyalah susah, tapi kalau orang kata 'bangun abah nak pi mana tu?' cepat-cepat aku melompat bangun.

Kalau naik kereta, dekat nak sampai rumah hala balik, aku adik-beradik selalu cepat-cepat pejam mata, kadang-kadang terlena betul, tapi banyaknya berlakon. Sebab malas nak jalan sendiri keluar dari kereta. Nanti abah kena usung sorang-sorang masuk rumah. Kecuali kakak aku yang sulung lah kot, dia dah besar time tu.

Masa 6 tahun aku masuk taski, tak lama, dalam dua minggu berenti. Sebabnya, satu malas nak bangun tidur, bila sampai kelas lambat, orang gelakkan aku. Jadi aku pun malas. Tapi itu bukan sebab utama. Tiap kali balik tadika, masa makan abah tanya, tadi belajar apa, best tak, makan apa. Aku jawab semua. Lepas tu abah tanya, ustazah nama apa, cantik tak, dah kawin ka belum. Abah tanya saja nak bagi aku panas. Lepas tu aku tak mau tengok muka ustazah tu lagi.

Darjah satu aku malas nak buat kerja sekolah. Selalu abah kena tulis kerja sekolah aku pakai tangan kiri. Tapi aku tak pernah missed dapat nombor satu, sebab abah janji nak beli mountain bike kalau dapat. (sebenarnya dia risau kot, sebab aku dah la tak tadika, lepas tu takmau buat homework...)

Kalau aku balik sekolah muka masam, lepas tu abah buat lawak, aku akan hempas basikal dan beg sekolah, dan terus masuk bilik. Abah yang angkat beg sekolah masuk rumah, dan susun kasut aku.

Bila time nak periksa, kalau abah ada kat rumah, abah selalu bagi duit note RM 50, suruh letak dalam poket. Macam good luck charm lah. Kalau aku tak reti jawab periksa, aku seluk poket, macam ada abah dekat dengan aku.

Sampai aku masuk asrama pun, setiap kali aku nak exam, abah mesti suruh bawak duit 50 atau 100 masa exam. Good luck charm style abah.

Ada lebih sejuta perkara pasal abah aku sepanjang aku hidup ni. Hari ni hari lahir abah ke 51. Selamat hari lahir abah. Sayang yang tak terhingga.

whats next?

have you ever felt like the burden on your shoulders is just too much and that you just cant carry it anymore? felt like life is just sooo problematic and that everything you do is rubbish and just not working out the way you want it? felt like you just want to end everything and back to square one, or just end it alltogether. fullstop.

i do. more now than it ever before.

these few weeks have been most difficult. been thinking a lot about the problems i have, the ones that never seemed to have any end, and more kept coming piling up to the ones that have been.

i was weak, and when i'm feeling weak, taking a long shower helps ease the pain a little bit. that was when something whispered to me that that's just Allah's way of reminding me of His existence. and that whatever happens in this life is the preparation you need for the afterlife that never ends. can u imagine a life that goes on forever and ever? no u cant because nothing in this world is forver. love? love is not forever, the subject or object you love will disappear and love itself will fade. no single creation is forever, only the Creator is. like, i love my mom sooo much i'm scared to think that one day i may not see her again. everyday since i was very small i pray that if Allah wants to take any life in my family, take me first and not my parents, cos i dont think i can live when i know my mom is meeting Him. but thats wrong. cos Allah is the Creator all of things and it is His right to do what should be done. and then i love my cat misai so much, i know he must have loved me too, but then one day, he was gone too. i cried and cried, but i knew i cant make him live again. misai came into my dream the other day, and in the dream both of us were laughing, but when i woke up, tears welled up in my eyes.

it isnt that i dont believe in the afterlife that will go on for eternity, its just that at that moment, when i was having my shower and thinking how difficult my life has become now, then it strucked me. its alright, u dont live in this world forever, its just temporary. like when u go to someplace u dont like, but u know u will get out of that place, then every minute when u think about how u hate to be there, u will find solace in knowing that the time will come for u to get out of there. its something like that.

then, all my problems and complications of life sort of diminished. its ok, i heard my inner self telling me. if u think u're not perfect, then there are millions of reasons why God made u the way u are, have those things happened the way they did and everything else. u dont have to like all of them, cos they are only temporary. the afterlife is for eternity, you should work more for that. material things in this world, the things that everyone's after, what good is it for the afterlife? nothing at all. and let us all take comfort in that and start working more for the one thats forever: the afterlife.

..and what kind of world are we living in today?

I will be really honest here about the fact that I have not been a very loyal follower of the case. I read articles about him in different perspectives. One of the earliest ones I think was from Readers Digest. Yes, the Western views of him. You know how it would be. That was way before any of the bad things happened to the country. But I wouldnt say that any plans were not on their way at this stage.

And then the tragedy happened. What year was that? 2004? And then they found him underground,in a small hole not fit for human to live. He was a ruler, a great one at that and the media was in joy to show where he was hiding for everyone to see. He was hiding, and not in the best shape. It was a shocking thing for kids to see. Even for those who didn't know who he was, who were too young to know who he was. It was a disgrace, for all muslims, for those who believed in him, and for those who condemned the acts. Nevermind what he had done in the past.

And then the trials began. In his own country. Judged by his own people. I never thought anyone would have the guts to try his own ruler. He was the legitimate ruler of the country, no one can deny that. Nevermind what he had done in the past. The ones after that are traitors and tresspassers. It is so obvious you have to admit it.

And then the verdict came. Oh what did others say? You know, some argued that this was wrong. But did they care? They would try to pretend they heard you, but they were not interested. And those people who had the say, they just merely discussed the issue because they had to. Not because they wanted to. They made statements, and it appeared in the press, and they went home and holidays with family members and laughed their heart out. Nevermind what he had done in the past.

And then the day came. It was Eid. It was yesterday. It was the day of remembering the sacrifices of the prophets Ibrahim and Ismail (pbuh). And they chose this day to do it. They were really determined to do it on this day, nevermind that it was a hurried choice of day, they waited long enough. And the people who condemned the people who wanted to do this, did what they do best, talked it over, made statements, and then went on with their lives. Do other normal stuff. And he died in his own hometown, in the building that was built during his time as a ruler, in his own country, done by his own people, the people who once obeyed his rules. Nevermind what he had done in the past.

Allah will grant him his share of the world and ours too. He is the martyr.

And the same question appeared in my mind.