Countdown

Only 4 weeks left before I fly homeeeeeee. Can't wait to see mama and abah!!! I miss them terribly!! Kadang2 duduk saja2 tak buat apa (contohnya dalam train malas nak buat kerja) teringat tahun lepas duduk rumah/hospital dengan mama dan abah. beza nya dengan tahun ni, duduk rumah sorang2...

InshaAllah balik ni nak pastikan tak buat apa2 yang boleh menyebabkan kemarahan mama dan abah. Biasalah, kadang2 tak dan nak berfikir sebelum bertindak atau bercakap.. Mama dan abah, I am very sorry for everything.. Ampun..

Pursuit of Happyness

I have left this blog for a year and a bit more, suddenly I thought to myself: I think I want to start writing again. And lo and behold the last entry was June 2013! How time flies. And I still don't know the exact answer to the question I posted here last year. Life has been okay. Full of ups and downs and surprises and events and disappointments. Happyness index at this current moment in a scale of 1 to 10; (1 being very unhappy and 10 being extremely happy) = 2 Okay to lighten up the mood let's have a highlight of the things that took place in the last 12 months in no particular order.

 1. Attended a wedding in Switzerland/France
2. Took time off work for 6 months and survived (emotionally and financially)
3. Went on a solo trip and loved it 4. Bought a car, sold it, and bought another one.

Okay - seriously more things have happened in the last year than what I just listed, cos surely 12 months is quite a long time, no?

Happiness

What is the measure of happiness?

Alone.

Tears are flwoing from my eyes when I'm writing this. This is not a rare ocassion, it has been quite the routine, they can just come out without any apparent reason whatsoever. Am I ill? I was fine this morning. Is there something bothering me? Maybe.

I think in this life you have to learn being by yourself, even if you are surrounded by 900 friends, you end up living your life alone. Or maybe it's just me. I don't seem to be able to connect to people on a personal level anymore. I don't trust people that easily - maybe this is a flaw that I have, but I was quite happy being that way, until recently.But when I do realise it, it's too late. People move on. Not interested.

I think my life will be a short one, I have been dreaming of deaths recently. Mostly deaths of people I know. But once or twice I have also dreamed of my own death. Maybe this is it. Allah wants me to know that my death is near. I have to repent each day. I have sins, I hope I can repent all my sins before I go to the next life. I don't deserve jannah, but I hope I get to go there.

Maybe the reason why I am alone till a ripe old age of 27 is so that when I leave no one will be really hurt. InshaAllah. Allah knows best.

If anyone is reading this, please accept my apology if I have ever hurt your feelings in any way. Please forgive me.

Loneliness

I always dream about the house that I will have one day, what I want to do for a job and where I want to go for holiday.

Somehow in these dreams I seem to be doing everything alone. How lonely is my world?

First ever 5km run!

Years ago in school I wasn't known to be keen in sports. One time Aisyah and I actually hid in the Sports Centre's toilet to do last minute revision on Geography and missed the netball training. Another time it was the college's huge longkang. Okay it was stupid, and I'll have you know that it wasn't my idea - but that's for another entry.

On Sunday I officially ran my first 5km run - somebody commented I shouldn't say it's a marathon as a marathon is a little over 26miles or 42km. So a run it is then.

Been thinking about it for a few months, partly because whenever I read the Quran nowadays I find I can't finish some long ayah without stopping midway - in short: I'm soooo unfit.

Thankfully summer means I've been working at the office, so managed to jog for an hour or two each day after work. I have to say I love it more and more. It is right that there's a feel-good factor attached to doing exercises. I certainly got that with doing this run.

Ok enough with the chitchats here's pics of the day. See if you can spot me amongst the sea of pink ladies in the pics posted on heart.fm website:

http://www.heart.co.uk/fourcounties/events/photos/more-luton-race-life-pictures/race-life-luton-157/?fb_comment_id=fbc_10150227448604630_17745547_10150227929619630#race-life-luton-157

http://www.heart.co.uk/fourcounties/events/photos/more-luton-race-life-pictures/race-life-luton-157/?fb_comment_id=fbc_10150227448604630_17745547_10150227929619630#f3da7c9880057a4

Wait a minute, where has the year gone, suddenly it's May? Ok. this is beyond scary, the next thing I know it'll be November and the year would be gone, once again!

I have soooo many things in my to do list for the year, and none of them has been crossed yet!

Update so far: Exams all done, final ethics essay also submitted (so very little effort on this one, I really hope the marker's nice and lower his/her expectations and give me a pass)

I'm supposed to go home and serve the sponsor this coming October, but cannot see that happening at the moment. I really am not ready to go home yet... Not many people know this yet, but I think I have made up my mind to stay for a bit longer.I'm sure the sponsor would be able to continue their business without me.. I'm only another number.. right?? please please do not sue me, I have no money to repay you... huhu

I'm thinking of Abu Dhabi... Seriously praying sooo hard for it, but being a pessimist, I always think of the worst, always always always. Simple reason: I hate to be disappointed. Being pessimist makes me happy, since if the result is positive, it's always beyond my expectations :)

However, for this particular agenda, I really do hope it'll turn out positive. It's part of my future, inshaAllah.

New Year!

Hello 2011! Ok I know this is a little late, but Happy new year! I can't believe it's the 2011, only nine years to 2020.. wwwoooo. sangatlah tak percaya. where did 2010 go? seriously can't even remember what happened in 2010. Ok maybe I should list down what happened:

1) Lived on my own in the flat for the first time! Wow feel like such a grown up already haha.
2) Went through busy season.. was a bit of a blur really. can't remember anything else except going to work, coming home, do a bit more work, sleep, and repeat everything again the next day.
3) Went to Amsterdam for a week of training course, had so much fun there, I actually regretted not doing much more then since I was occupied doing other stuff.. hmm maybe that's for another entry.
4) Started TPE during ramadhan, survived TPE and passed it first time! Alhamdulillah. I'm now a Chartered Accountant!! Thank you Allah!!
5) Ramadhan and Raya alone in Luton. Went to celebrate raya at the Malaysian Embassy, had an ok-ish raya, nasib baik ambik cuti..
6) Went to PMS at Sheffield just before Christmas, baru perasan I'm so old! Those girls are at least 4 years younger, rasa macam pelik kena cakap kak hannim everytime. haha
7) First time demam in a few years. Demam tapi terpaksa galas beg berat dan jalan2. Demam penghapus dosa kecik, alhamdulillah!
7) Went to Yorkshire dales with Nadiah, and slept through the entire train journey from Settle to Appleby and missed the beautiful sceneries! haha
8) Went to see the New Year Fireworks at Big Ben, and we were so clever we thought we'd try and be as close to the bridge as possible, and waited for an hour and a half. Only to find that we couldn't see the firework cos the view's blocked by the buildings! thats 2 hours of 2010 that I'm not going to get back! oh well.
9) Went for UV light treatment dan alhamdulillah I'm 99% cleared! God is Great!!!
10) Umm. tak ingat dah apa jadi.

2011? Apakah impian dan cita2 tahun ini?
1) nak jadi fit dan masuk London Marathon! InshaAllah, every weekend must go running. Started this with Nadiah last week on Sunday, will make it a habit every week from now on!
2) Nak stop taking sugar in all my drinks. Have started this, but sometimes I still put some into my tea to just remind me of how it tastes like.
3) Nak pastikan boleh hafal surah2 yang selalu teringin nak hafal, tapi slalu tak dapat nak buat sbb kena baca bukula, exams la apa la (alasan, I know!) sekarang tiada alasan lagi inshaAllah.
4) More Europe trips this year, inshaAllah akan bawak Mama&abah to a few more countries: France, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, to name a few. InshaAllahhhh!!!
5) To be a happier person and find something good in everything & everyone!

Ok ada banyak lagi, tapi cukup la setakat itu dahulu.

To a more barakah 2011 inshaAllah :)

Eeeee everything is sooo expensive in this country. Expensive cars, expensive car insurance which costs more than the value of the car itself, expensive fuel, expensive train tickets, and the list goes on!

Remind me again why did I think it was a good idea to stay on?????!!!


Money has wings you know. I'm not kidding!

Car insurance costs me not only an arm and a leg, but I might have to starve myself this month just to stay afloat!!!

Tell me something why did the insurance cost GOES UP EACH YEAR when the value of the car actually GOES DOWN each year???? Damn those actuaries who's got nothing better to do than costing us millions in insurance. I hate you actuaries! If you're my friend (I know quite a few actuaries, actually!) please would you be so kind and do something decent, like count cars on the road instead of robbing us in daylight!!

INSURANCE IS DAYLIGHT ROBBERY!

Dark thoughts

Today I heard a piece of news: a friend of a friend has just died of brain tumor. I don't know this guy, he's a wedding photographer, and since he has a blog, he has gained many friends and fans. The last entry in his blog was sometime in September, barely a month before his passing.

The second last entry was about his friend who recently died of cancer.

Innalillah.

I always have this thought that I will die of some kind of cancerous disease. Since I do have an illness, I always have this dark feeling that it's just a matter of time until the doctor tells me of a worse diagnosis. Is it wrong to have such thought? I don't know.

May Allah give me time to do good deeds before my time is up. InshaAllah.

Cinta, Rindu dan Cemburu dalam Islam

Diterbit di sini: Raisa Hakim

Author: Raisa Hakim


Banyak orang berbicara tentang masalah ini tapi tidak sesuai dengan yang sebenarnya. Atau tidak menjelaskan batasan-batasan dan maknanya secara syar’i. Dan kapan seseorang itu keluar dari batasan-batasan tadi. Dan seakan-akan yang menghalangi untuk membahas masalah ini adalah salahnya pemahaman bahwa pembahasan masalah ini berkaitan dengan akhlaq yang rendah dan berkaitan dengan perzinahan, perkataan yang keji. Dan hal ini adalah salah.

Tiga perkara ini adalah sesuatu yang berkaitan dengan manusia yang memotivasi untuk menjaga dan mendorong kehormatan dan kemuliaannya. Aku memandang pembicaraan ini yang terpenting adalah batasannya, penyimpangannya, kebaikannya, dan kejelekannya. Tiga kalimat ini ada dalam setiap hati manusia, dan mereka memberi makna dari tiga hal ini sesuai dengan apa yang mereka maknai.


Cinta (Al-Hubb)
Cinta yaitu Al-Widaad yakni kecenderungan hati pada yang dicintai, dan itu termasuk amalan hati, bukan amalan anggota badan/dhahir. Pernikahan itu tidak akan bahagia dan berfaedah kecuali jika ada cinta dan kasih sayang diantara suami-isteri.

Dan kuncinya kecintaan adalah pandangan. Oleh karena itu, Rasulullah Sawmenganjurkan pada orang yang meminang untuk melihat pada yang dipinang agar sampai pada kata sepakat dan cinta, seperti telah kami jelaskan dalam bab Kedua.

Sungguh telah diriwayatkan oleh Imam Ahmad dan Nasa’i dari Mughirah bin Su’bah r.a berkata : “Aku telah meminang seorang wanita”, lalu Rasulullah Sawbertanya kepadaku : “Apakah kamu telah melihatnya ?” Aku berkata : “Belum”, maka beliau bersabda : “Maka lihatlah dia, karena sesungguhnya hal itu pada akhirnya akan lebih menambah kecocokan dan kasih sayang antara kalian berdua”

Sesungguhnya kami tahu bahwa kebanyakan dari orang-orang, lebih-lebih pemuda dan pemudi, mereka takut membicarakan masalah “cinta”, bahkan umumnya mereka mengira pembahasan cinta adalah perkara-perkara yang haram, karena itu mereka merasa menghadapi cinta itu dengan keyakinan dosa dan mereka mengira diri mereka bermaksiat, bahkan salah seorang diantara mereka memandang, bila hatinya condong pada seseorang berarti dia telah berbuat dosa.

Kenyataannya, bahwa di sini banyak sekali kerancuan-kerancuan dalam pemahaman mereka tentang “cinta” dan apa-apa yang tumbuh dari cinta itu, dari hubungan antara laki-laki dan perempuan. Dimana mereka beranggapan bahwa cinta itu suatu maksiat, karena sesungguhnya dia memahami cinta itu dari apa-apa yang dia lihat dari lelaki-lelaki rusak dan perempuan-perempuan rusak yang diantara mereka menegakkan hubungan yang tidak disyariatkan.

Mereka saling duduk, bermalam, saling bercanda, saling menari, dan minum-minum, bahkan sampai mereka berzina di bawah semboyan cinta. Mereka mengira bahwa ‘cinta’ tidak ada lain kecuali yang demikian itu. Padahal sebenarnya tidak begitu, tetapi justru sebaliknya.
Sesungguhnya kecenderungan seorang lelaki pada wanita dan kecenderungan wanita pada lelaki itu merupakan syahwat dari syahwat-syahwat yang telah Allah hiaskan pada manusia dalam masalah cinta. Artinya Allah menjadikan di dalam syahwat apa-apa yang menyebabkan hati laki-laki itu cenderung pada wanita, sebagaimana firman Allah Swt :


["Dijadikan indah pada (pandangan) manusia kecintaan kepada apa-apa yang diingini, yaitu : wanita-wanita, anak-anak,..."] Ali-’Imran : 14
Allah lah yang menghiasi bagi manusia untuk cinta pada syahwat ini, maka manusia mencintainya dengan cinta yang besar, dan sungguh telah tersebut dalam hadits bahwa Nabi Saw bersabda :

["Diberi rasa cinta padaku dari dunia kalian : wanita dan wangi-wangian dan dijadikan penyejuk mataku dalam sholat"] HR Ahmad, Nasa’i, Hakim dan Baihaqi.
Andaikan tidak ada rasa cinta lelaki pada wanita atau sebaliknya, maka tidak ada pernikahan, tidak ada keturunan dan tidak ada keluarga. Namun, Allah Swt tidaklah menjadikan lelaki cinta pada wanita atau sebaliknya supaya menumbuhkan diantara keduanya hubungan yang diharamkan, tetapi untuk menegakkan hukum-hukum yang disyari’atkan dalam bersuami isteri, sebagaimana tercantum dalam hadits Ibnu Majah, dari Abdullah bin Abbas r.a berkata : telah bersabda Rasulullah Saw:

["Tidak terlihat dua orang yang saling mencintai, seperti pernikahan"]
Dan agar orang-orang Islam menjauhi jalan-jalan yang rusak atau keji, maka Allah telah menyuruh yang pertama kali agar menundukan pandangan, karena ‘pandangan’ itu kuncinya hati, dan Allah telah haramkan semua sebab-sebab yang mengantarkan pada fitnah, dan kekejian, seperti berduaan dengan orang yang bukan mahramnya, bersenggolan, bersalaman, berciuman antara lelaki dan wanita, karena perkara ini dapat menyebabkan condongnya hati. Maka bila hati telah condong, dia akan sulit sekali menahan jiwa setelah itu, kecuali yang dirahmati Allah Swt.

Bahwa Allah tidak akan menyiksa manusia dalam kecenderungan hatinya. Akan tetapi manusia akan disiksa dengan sebab jika kecenderungan itu diikuti dengan amalan-amalan yang diharamkan. Contohnya : apabila lelaki dan wanita saling pandang memandang atau berduaan atau duduk cerita panjang lebar, lalu cenderunglah hati keduanya dan satu sama lainnya saling mencinta, maka kecondongan ini tidak akan menyebabkan keduanya disiksanya, karena hal itu berkaitan dengan hati, sedang manusia tidak bisa untuk menguasai hatinya.

Akan tetapi, keduanya diazab karena apa yang dia lakukan. Dan karena keduanya melakukan sebab-sebab yang menyampaikan pada ‘cinta’, seperti perkara yang telah kami sebutkan. Dan keduanya akan dimintai tajawab, dan akan disiksa juga dari setiap keharaman yang dia perbuat setelah itu.

Adapun cinta yang murni yang dijaga kehormatannya, maka tidak ada dosa padanya, bahkan telah disebutkan olsebagian ulama seperti Imam Suyuthi, bahwa orang yang mencintai seseorang lalu menjaga kehormatan dirinya dan dia menyembunyikan cintanya maka dia diberi pahala, sebagaimana akan dijelaskan dalam ucapan kami dalam bab ‘Rindu’. Dan dalam keadaan yang mutlak, sesungguhnya yang paling selamat yaitu menjauhi semua sebab-sebab yang menjerumuskan hati dalam persekutuan cinta, dan mengantarkan pada bahaya-bahaya yang banyak, namun …..sangat sedikit mereka yang selamat.
Rindu (Al-’Isyq)

Rindu itu ialah cinta yang berlebihan, dan ada rindu yang disertai dengan menjaga diri dan ada juga yang diikuti dengan kerendahan. Maka rindu tersebut bukanlah hal yang tercela dan keji secara mutlak. Tetapi bisa jadi orang yang rindu itu, rindunya disertai dengan menjaga diri dan kesucian, dan kadang-kadang ada rindu itu disertai kerendahan dan kehinaan.
Sebagaimana telah disebutkan, dalam ucapan kami tentang cinta maka rindu juga seperti itu, termasuk amalan hati, yang orang tidak mampu menguasainya.

Tapi manusia akan dihisab atas sebab-sebab yang diharamkan dan atas hasil-hasilnya yang haram. Adapun rindu yang disertai dengan menjaga diri padanya dan menyembunyikannya dari orang-orang, maka padanya pahala, bahkan Ath-Thohawi menukil dalam kitab Haasyi’ah Marakil Falah dari Imam Suyuthi yang mengatakan bahwa termasuk dari golongan syuhada di akhirat ialah orang-orang yang mati dalam kerinduan dengan tetap menjaga kehormatan diri dan disembunyikan dari orang-orang meskipun kerinduan itu timbul dari perkara yang haram sebagaimana pembahasan dalam masalah cinta.


Makna ucapan Suyuthi adalah orang-orang yang memendam kerinduan baik laki-laki maupun perempuan, dengan tetap menjaga kehormatan dan menyembunyikan kerinduannya sebab dia tidak mampu untuk mendapatkan apa yang dirindukannya dan bersabar atasnya sampai mati karena kerinduan tersebut maka dia mendapatkan pahala syahid di akhirat.

Hal ini tidak aneh jika fahami kesabaran orang ini dalam kerinduan bukan dalam kefajiran yang mengikuti syahwat dan dia bukan orang yang rendah yang melecehkan kehormatan manusia bahkan dia adalah seorang yang sabar, menjaga diri meskipun dalam hatinya ada kekuatan dan ada keterkaitan dengan yang dirindui, dia tahan kekerasan jiwanya, dia ikat anggota badannya sebab ini di bawah kekuasaannya. Adapun hatinya dia tidak bisa menguasai maka dia bersabar atasnya dengan sikap afaf (menjaga diri) dan menyembunyikan kerinduannya sehingga dengan itu dia mendapat pahala.

Cemburu (Al-Ghairah)

Cemburu ialah kebencian seseorang untuk disamai dengan orang lain dalam hak-haknya, dan itu merupakan salah satu akibat dari buah cinta. Maka tidak ada cemburu kecuali bagi orang yang mencintai. Dan cemburu itu termasuk sifat yang baik dan bagian yang mulia, baik pada laki-laki atau wanita.

Ketika seorang wanita cemburu maka dia akan sangat marah ketika suaminya berniat kawin dan ini fitrah padanya. Sebab perempuan tidak akan menerima madunya karena kecemburuannya pada suami, dia senang bila diutamakan, sebab dia mencintai suaminya. Jika dia tidak mencintai suaminya, dia tidak akan peduli (lihat pada bab I). Kita tekankan lagi disini bahwa seorang wanita akan menolak madunya, tetapi tidak boleh menolak hukum syar’i tentang bolehnya poligami.

Penolakan wanita terhadap madunya karena gejolak kecemburuan, adapun penolakan dan pengingkaran terhadap hukum syar’i tidak akan terjadi kecuali karena kelalaian dan kesesatan. Adapun wanita yang shalihah, dia akan menerima hukum-hukum syariat dengan tanpa ragu-ragu, dan dia yakin bahwa padanya ada semua kebaikan dan hikmah. Dia tetap memiliki kecemburuan terhadap suaminya serta ketidaksenangan terhadap madunya.
Kami katakan kepada wanita-wanita muslimah khususnya, bahwa ada bidadari yang jelita matanya yang Allah Swt jadikan mereka untuk orang mukmin di sorga.

Maka wanita muslimat tidak boleh mengingkari adanya ‘bidadari’ ini untuk orang mukmin atau mengingkari hal-hal tersebut, karena dorongan cemburu. Maka kami katakan padanya :
Dia tidak tahu apakah dia akan berada bersama suaminya di surga kelak atau tidak.
Bahwa cemburu tidak ada di surga, seperti yang ada di dunia.

Bahwasanya Allah Swt telah mengkhususkan juga bagi wanita dengan kenikmatan-kenikmatan yang mereka ridlai, meski kita tidak mengetahui secara rinci.
Surga merupakan tempat yang kenikmatannya belum pernah terlihat oleh mata, terdengar oleh telinga dan terbetik dalam hati manusia, seperti firman Allah Swt

["Seorangpun tidak mengetahui apa yang disembunyikan untuk mereka yaitu (bermacam-macam nikmat) yang menyedapkan pandangan mata sebagai balasan terhadap apa yang telah mereka kerjakan"] As-Sajdah : 17

Oleh karena itu, tak seorang pun mengetahui apa yang tersembunyi bagi mereka dari bidadari-bidadari penyejuk mata sebagai balasan pada apa-apa yang mereka lakukan. Dan di sorga diperoleh kenikmatan-kenikmatan bagi mukmin dan mukminat dari apa-apa yang mereka inginkan, dan juga didapatkan hidangan-hidangan, dan akan menjadi saling ridho di antara keduanya sepenuhnya. Maka wajib bagi keduanya (suami-isteri) di dunia ini untuk beramal sholeh agar memperoleh kebahagiaan di sorga dengan penuh kenikmatan dan rahmat Allah Swt yang sangat mulia lagi pemberi rahmat.

Adapun kecemburuan seorang laki-laki pada keluarganya dan kehormatannya, maka hal tersebut ‘dituntut dan wajib’ baginya karena termasuk kewajiban seorang laki-laki untuk cemburu pada kehormatannya dan kemuliaannya. Dan dengan adanya kecemburuan ini, akan menolak adanya kemungkaran di keluarganya. Adapun contoh kecemburuan dia pada isteri dan anak-anaknya, yaitu dengan cara tidak rela kalau mereka telanjang dan membuka tabir di depan laki-laki yang bukan mahramnya, bercanda bersama mereka, hingga seolah-olah laki-laki itu saudaranya atau anak-anaknya.

Anehnya bahwa kecemburuan seperti ini, di jaman kita sekarang dianggap ekstrim-fanatik, dan lain-lain. Akan tetapi akan hilang keheranan itu ketika kita sebutkan bahwa manusia di jaman kita sekarang ini telah hidup dengan adat barat yang jelek. Dan maklum bahwa masyarakat barat umumnya tidak mengenal makna aib, kehormatan dan tidak kenal kemuliaan, karena serba boleh (permisivisme), mengumbar hawa nafsu kebebasan saja. Maka orang-orang yang mengagumi pada akhlaq-akhlaq barat ini tidak mau memperhatikan pada akhlaq Islam yang dibangun atas dasar penjagaan kehormatan, kemuliaan dan keutamaan.

Sesungguhnya Rasulullah Saw telah mensifati seorang laki-laki yang tidak cemburu pada keluarganya dengan sifat-sifat yang jelek, yaitu ‘Dayyuuts’. Sungguh ada dalam hadits yang diriwayatkan oleh Imam Ath-Thabraani dari Amar bin Yasir r.a, serta dari Al-Hakim, Ahmad dan Baihaqi dari Abdullah bin Amr r.a, dari Nabi Saw bahwa ada tiga golongan yang tidak akan masuk surga yaitu peminum khomr, pendurhaka orang tua dan dayyuts. Kemudian Nabi menjelaskan tentang dayyuts, yaitu orang yang membiarkan keluarganya dalam kekejian atau kerusakan, dan keharaman.

Wallahu a’lam

10.10.10

I have to blog today since its THE perfect 10!

Been lazying again today, despite the fact that I have an exam in less than 20 days! Ohhhhhh

Today heard the following ppl got engaged/got married/getting married/getting engaged:

Hanep: Got engaged today
Aziah:Got married a few days ago
Shana:Got engaged yesterday
Azizah:Getting married in Nov

and a few other celebrities as well.

All the best to everyone who just got married and those joining in the bandwagon as well.

I can only pray mine would come one day too! God knows when though!

Other nice dates:
1.1.11
1.11.11
11.11.11
1.2.12
1.12.12
12.12.12
1.3.13
13.3.13

Unfortunately there won't be a 13.13.13! hehe

Okay pick your dates quick! hehe

arrrgggghh

Teringinnya nak makan macam2! tengok kuah kacang, teringin. tengok nasik lemak, teringin. tengok rendang, teringin. tengok nasik impit kuah kacang, teringin. tengok kuah masak lemak makan dengan nasik impit, teringin. semuaaaaaaaa teringin!

oh tadi tengok kek lapis, teringiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

aaa takdak ka sapa2 nak sponsor makanan2 tersebut.. nak masak tak reti! sedehnya T_T

College and Ramadhan

Alhamdulillah I am given another chance of Ramadhan. I should be happy, I am happy, but I can't hide the fact that I'm sad to go through this on my own.

College started on Monday and there are so many loopholes in my memory I think if I list down what I know, it'll be a shorter list than your average supermarket shopping list.

Anyhow, the months ahead will be tough. I just have to swim across the tide. Wish me luck!

Hari ini dalam Sejarah

18.06.10 - 10.08.10

Barely 2 months. Alhamdulillah, segala pujian hanya pada Allah. Syukur.. at least it wasn't complicated. Seek, and you shall receive. This is for the best, InshaAllah.

What started as a simple virtual hello, ended with a simple phone call. It's amazing how technology connects and disconnects people so easily. Was it better in the old days when they didn't have any of these devices? Who knows.

Amsterdam

The course was surprisingly very very good! My prayers were answered, despite not having a roommate before going there, Yasmin, the sister I contacted beforehand had found herself wanting to swap room as her friend from work could not join her due to visa issues.

So we shared a room, and I couldn't ask for a better roommie! We had soo much fun together, not least because she enjoys snapping pics as much as I do! And it's sooo funny how I felt like I've known her way before we even met. There was one night where we just chatted until the early hours and I think I fell asleep halfway through the conversation, sorry darling! Hopefully we'll get to meet each other soon, really missed her already!

Things I realised:
1) Europeans are sooo much friendlier than English people. Fact.
2) Wearing hijab is a good way of starting a conversation, not just with fellow Muslims, but also non-muslims.
3) I'm sooooo thankful England is very tolerant towards Muslims, as some European countries won't even allow women to wear what they like (read No2). Alhamdulillah.
4) Even if I eat more than 3 meals per day (during the course), or diet extensively (at home), I still end up with the same weight! So diet or not, I won't lose anymore weight? Noooooo!
5) The food there was ah-ma-zing I wish I could stay for another week!

Ok will list more if I remember any other good points.

Tomorrow is college! Ohh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Wish me luck!

Apples

Workrelatedinjuries

Seriously work is a torture at the moment. Demanding managers all breathing down your neck. All at the same time.

Anyway, been working at hospitals for the past 2 weeks. The intention was to hang around the hospital long enough to be introduced to any medics, but the only 'introduction' I got was a guy in blue scrubs saying a sheepish hello while pouring milk into his cup of tea. It was 8.30 in the morning and he looked like he could do with a few more hours of sleep.

Quite awkward as I was trying to find the loo. All I could manage was a rushed 'Hi' back and left. Like a makcik kehilangan anak tergesa2. haih.. And then stumbled onto a wrong door which said 'Resident Doctor Private Rooms'. That explained the sleepy looking blue scrubber.

Que sera sera

Do you remember your childhood dreams? I'm sure everyone had a dream of what they wanted to be when they grow up.

I've never dreamed of becoming an accountant. Let me tell you, I am so grateful and thankful to Allah for what I have now. I've once said to my mom when I was 16 that I didn't want to 'end up' being an accountant! I said end up because to me becoming an accountant is like a dead end! Like when you drive looking for a way out and then there's no way out at the end of the road (jalan mati!). And then who knew that I was going to be offered a place to do BSc AccyFin here and now training to become one? Allah knows best.

When I was about 9, I was quite serious of wanting to become a lawyer. I think half of my class in primary school knew about this (if they can still remember!). They always made fun of me for this!One friend, perhaps confusing a lawyer and a magistrates, was making fun of my height and said people would not be able to see my head in the court room cos the table would be too high!

I was really into court cases, and my hero at primary school was of course Karpal Singh. One of the biggest murder cases that was going on when I was in Standard 4 was of course Mona Fendi's case. My mom was into this case, so she would buy this specific newspaper (I've forgotten what's it called now), and everyday they would print the dialogues in the courtroom. I would then cut this and put it in my scrap book. And every sunday, in Berita Minggu, there was a section where they dug up old criminal cases, like Botak Chin for example, and I would religiously cut out these too! If I did this too early you would then hear screams from my mom as she hadn't read the paper yet! In the scrap book I would reference the date and highlight what the commentaries for the cases were. I would make sure I went through this again and again, and I always thought this was a good training to become a lawyer! haha

On the side, I also *secretly* wanted to become a news presenter! I would make up my hair (masa kecik ni tak pakai tudung lagi) and sit in front of the mirror and read the news (konon la). You would hear me saying:

Salam sejahtera, Sari berita penting (style RTM ni) hehe.
Dua penjenayah dari Melaka berjaya ditembak mati polis tengah malam semalam ketika sedang merompak dua rakan di kedai makan.

Selalunya berita jenayah la. Ganas baru orang nak dengar berita. hehe

So yes, I made up my mind at 9 years old that I either would become a lawyer (criminal lawyer) or a newspresenter (reading criminal news, nonetheless). I even had a picture in my mind what and how I would look like when I turn 20 and start my dream job.

I am now 20+ and none of what I dreamed of more than a decade ago had happened, yet. But the dream lives on.

Is this it?

I think I'm losing it. These days all I do is wake up, go to work, come back from work, do some unfinished work, eat, go to sleep, wake up, go to work, come back from work, do some more unfinished work, and repeat the whole sentence again. Yes, it's beyond boring! I hate to think that this was what I wanted to do when I was applying for the job. Work has consumed me inside out. I don't even have time to call home and talk to my parents. I used to call my mom every single day when I was at uni. I was very lucky that they were with me when I started this job, so I talked to them every single day. And then they went home. I'm lucky if I can speak to my mom once/twice a week these days. It's that bad.

I keep on asking myself, is this what I want to do? Not having anything else in life except work? I have some weekend life if I make an effort to go to London. But after having some good laugh, the journey back to Luton is just soo sad. Back to reality and I hate that feeling. It's the same feeling I had when I was at KYS, in the car, near the taman rama2, after a long holiday, or a weekend away. The same feeling. It's just that this time, there were strangers on the train, and I am in a different country. But same feeling nevertheless.

I really shouldn't be too ungrateful. I wanted this job. I prayed and worked hard for it. Allah gave me what I asked. Alhamdulillah. But now I realised it's really not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I can't stand the fact that I'm not doing anything to benefit anyone except the partners who're making lots of money so that they can buy the next model of Maserati.