Que sera sera

Do you remember your childhood dreams? I'm sure everyone had a dream of what they wanted to be when they grow up.

I've never dreamed of becoming an accountant. Let me tell you, I am so grateful and thankful to Allah for what I have now. I've once said to my mom when I was 16 that I didn't want to 'end up' being an accountant! I said end up because to me becoming an accountant is like a dead end! Like when you drive looking for a way out and then there's no way out at the end of the road (jalan mati!). And then who knew that I was going to be offered a place to do BSc AccyFin here and now training to become one? Allah knows best.

When I was about 9, I was quite serious of wanting to become a lawyer. I think half of my class in primary school knew about this (if they can still remember!). They always made fun of me for this!One friend, perhaps confusing a lawyer and a magistrates, was making fun of my height and said people would not be able to see my head in the court room cos the table would be too high!

I was really into court cases, and my hero at primary school was of course Karpal Singh. One of the biggest murder cases that was going on when I was in Standard 4 was of course Mona Fendi's case. My mom was into this case, so she would buy this specific newspaper (I've forgotten what's it called now), and everyday they would print the dialogues in the courtroom. I would then cut this and put it in my scrap book. And every sunday, in Berita Minggu, there was a section where they dug up old criminal cases, like Botak Chin for example, and I would religiously cut out these too! If I did this too early you would then hear screams from my mom as she hadn't read the paper yet! In the scrap book I would reference the date and highlight what the commentaries for the cases were. I would make sure I went through this again and again, and I always thought this was a good training to become a lawyer! haha

On the side, I also *secretly* wanted to become a news presenter! I would make up my hair (masa kecik ni tak pakai tudung lagi) and sit in front of the mirror and read the news (konon la). You would hear me saying:

Salam sejahtera, Sari berita penting (style RTM ni) hehe.
Dua penjenayah dari Melaka berjaya ditembak mati polis tengah malam semalam ketika sedang merompak dua rakan di kedai makan.

Selalunya berita jenayah la. Ganas baru orang nak dengar berita. hehe

So yes, I made up my mind at 9 years old that I either would become a lawyer (criminal lawyer) or a newspresenter (reading criminal news, nonetheless). I even had a picture in my mind what and how I would look like when I turn 20 and start my dream job.

I am now 20+ and none of what I dreamed of more than a decade ago had happened, yet. But the dream lives on.

Is this it?

I think I'm losing it. These days all I do is wake up, go to work, come back from work, do some unfinished work, eat, go to sleep, wake up, go to work, come back from work, do some more unfinished work, and repeat the whole sentence again. Yes, it's beyond boring! I hate to think that this was what I wanted to do when I was applying for the job. Work has consumed me inside out. I don't even have time to call home and talk to my parents. I used to call my mom every single day when I was at uni. I was very lucky that they were with me when I started this job, so I talked to them every single day. And then they went home. I'm lucky if I can speak to my mom once/twice a week these days. It's that bad.

I keep on asking myself, is this what I want to do? Not having anything else in life except work? I have some weekend life if I make an effort to go to London. But after having some good laugh, the journey back to Luton is just soo sad. Back to reality and I hate that feeling. It's the same feeling I had when I was at KYS, in the car, near the taman rama2, after a long holiday, or a weekend away. The same feeling. It's just that this time, there were strangers on the train, and I am in a different country. But same feeling nevertheless.

I really shouldn't be too ungrateful. I wanted this job. I prayed and worked hard for it. Allah gave me what I asked. Alhamdulillah. But now I realised it's really not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I can't stand the fact that I'm not doing anything to benefit anyone except the partners who're making lots of money so that they can buy the next model of Maserati.