Cabai Melaka

Loneliness

2011-10-31T22:35:00.002+08:00

I always dream about the house that I will have one day, what I want to do for a job and where I want to go for holiday.

Somehow in these dreams I seem to be doing everything alone. How lonely is my world?

First ever 5km run!

2011-06-28T03:26:00.005+08:00

Years ago in school I wasn't known to be keen in sports. One time Aisyah and I actually hid in the Sports Centre's toilet to do last minute revision on Geography and missed the netball training. Another time it was the college's huge longkang. Okay it was stupid, and I'll have you know that it wasn't my idea - but that's for another entry.

On Sunday I officially ran my first 5km run - somebody commented I shouldn't say it's a marathon as a marathon is a little over 26miles or 42km. So a run it is then.

Been thinking about it for a few months, partly because whenever I read the Quran nowadays I find I can't finish some long ayah without stopping midway - in short: I'm soooo unfit.

Thankfully summer means I've been working at the office, so managed to jog for an hour or two each day after work. I have to say I love it more and more. It is right that there's a feel-good factor attached to doing exercises. I certainly got that with doing this run.

Ok enough with the chitchats here's pics of the day. See if you can spot me amongst the sea of pink ladies in the pics posted on heart.fm website:

http://www.heart.co.uk/fourcounties/events/photos/more-luton-race-life-pictures/race-life-luton-157/?fb_comment_id=fbc_10150227448604630_17745547_10150227929619630#race-life-luton-157

http://www.heart.co.uk/fourcounties/events/photos/more-luton-race-life-pictures/race-life-luton-157/?fb_comment_id=fbc_10150227448604630_17745547_10150227929619630#f3da7c9880057a4

2011-05-03T03:41:00.003+08:00

Wait a minute, where has the year gone, suddenly it's May? Ok. this is beyond scary, the next thing I know it'll be November and the year would be gone, once again!

I have soooo many things in my to do list for the year, and none of them has been crossed yet!

Update so far: Exams all done, final ethics essay also submitted (so very little effort on this one, I really hope the marker's nice and lower his/her expectations and give me a pass)

I'm supposed to go home and serve the sponsor this coming October, but cannot see that happening at the moment. I really am not ready to go home yet... Not many people know this yet, but I think I have made up my mind to stay for a bit longer.I'm sure the sponsor would be able to continue their business without me.. I'm only another number.. right?? please please do not sue me, I have no money to repay you... huhu

I'm thinking of Abu Dhabi... Seriously praying sooo hard for it, but being a pessimist, I always think of the worst, always always always. Simple reason: I hate to be disappointed. Being pessimist makes me happy, since if the result is positive, it's always beyond my expectations :)

However, for this particular agenda, I really do hope it'll turn out positive. It's part of my future, inshaAllah.

New Year!

2011-01-15T02:59:00.002+08:00

Hello 2011! Ok I know this is a little late, but Happy new year! I can't believe it's the 2011, only nine years to 2020.. wwwoooo. sangatlah tak percaya. where did 2010 go? seriously can't even remember what happened in 2010. Ok maybe I should list down what happened:

1) Lived on my own in the flat for the first time! Wow feel like such a grown up already haha.
2) Went through busy season.. was a bit of a blur really. can't remember anything else except going to work, coming home, do a bit more work, sleep, and repeat everything again the next day.
3) Went to Amsterdam for a week of training course, had so much fun there, I actually regretted not doing much more then since I was occupied doing other stuff.. hmm maybe that's for another entry.
4) Started TPE during ramadhan, survived TPE and passed it first time! Alhamdulillah. I'm now a Chartered Accountant!! Thank you Allah!!
5) Ramadhan and Raya alone in Luton. Went to celebrate raya at the Malaysian Embassy, had an ok-ish raya, nasib baik ambik cuti..
6) Went to PMS at Sheffield just before Christmas, baru perasan I'm so old! Those girls are at least 4 years younger, rasa macam pelik kena cakap kak hannim everytime. haha
7) First time demam in a few years. Demam tapi terpaksa galas beg berat dan jalan2. Demam penghapus dosa kecik, alhamdulillah!
7) Went to Yorkshire dales with Nadiah, and slept through the entire train journey from Settle to Appleby and missed the beautiful sceneries! haha
8) Went to see the New Year Fireworks at Big Ben, and we were so clever we thought we'd try and be as close to the bridge as possible, and waited for an hour and a half. Only to find that we couldn't see the firework cos the view's blocked by the buildings! thats 2 hours of 2010 that I'm not going to get back! oh well.
9) Went for UV light treatment dan alhamdulillah I'm 99% cleared! God is Great!!!
10) Umm. tak ingat dah apa jadi.

2011? Apakah impian dan cita2 tahun ini?
1) nak jadi fit dan masuk London Marathon! InshaAllah, every weekend must go running. Started this with Nadiah last week on Sunday, will make it a habit every week from now on!
2) Nak stop taking sugar in all my drinks. Have started this, but sometimes I still put some into my tea to just remind me of how it tastes like.
3) Nak pastikan boleh hafal surah2 yang selalu teringin nak hafal, tapi slalu tak dapat nak buat sbb kena baca bukula, exams la apa la (alasan, I know!) sekarang tiada alasan lagi inshaAllah.
4) More Europe trips this year, inshaAllah akan bawak Mama&abah to a few more countries: France, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, to name a few. InshaAllahhhh!!!
5) To be a happier person and find something good in everything & everyone!

Ok ada banyak lagi, tapi cukup la setakat itu dahulu.

To a more barakah 2011 inshaAllah :)

2010-11-10T06:29:00.003+08:00

Eeeee everything is sooo expensive in this country. Expensive cars, expensive car insurance which costs more than the value of the car itself, expensive fuel, expensive train tickets, and the list goes on!

Remind me again why did I think it was a good idea to stay on?????!!!

Money has wings you know. I'm not kidding!

Car insurance costs me not only an arm and a leg, but I might have to starve myself this month just to stay afloat!!!

Tell me something why did the insurance cost GOES UP EACH YEAR when the value of the car actually GOES DOWN each year???? Damn those actuaries who's got nothing better to do than costing us millions in insurance. I hate you actuaries! If you're my friend (I know quite a few actuaries, actually!) please would you be so kind and do something decent, like count cars on the road instead of robbing us in daylight!!

INSURANCE IS DAYLIGHT ROBBERY!

Dark thoughts

2010-10-16T03:24:00.002+08:00

Today I heard a piece of news: a friend of a friend has just died of brain tumor. I don't know this guy, he's a wedding photographer, and since he has a blog, he has gained many friends and fans. The last entry in his blog was sometime in September, barely a month before his passing.

The second last entry was about his friend who recently died of cancer.

Innalillah.

I always have this thought that I will die of some kind of cancerous disease. Since I do have an illness, I always have this dark feeling that it's just a matter of time until the doctor tells me of a worse diagnosis. Is it wrong to have such thought? I don't know.

May Allah give me time to do good deeds before my time is up. InshaAllah.

Cinta, Rindu dan Cemburu dalam Islam

2010-10-12T08:00:00.006+08:00

Diterbit di sini: Raisa Hakim

Author: Raisa Hakim

Banyak orang berbicara tentang masalah ini tapi tidak sesuai dengan yang sebenarnya. Atau tidak menjelaskan batasan-batasan dan maknanya secara syar’i. Dan kapan seseorang itu keluar dari batasan-batasan tadi. Dan seakan-akan yang menghalangi untuk membahas masalah ini adalah salahnya pemahaman bahwa pembahasan masalah ini berkaitan dengan akhlaq yang rendah dan berkaitan dengan perzinahan, perkataan yang keji. Dan hal ini adalah salah.

Tiga perkara ini adalah sesuatu yang berkaitan dengan manusia yang memotivasi untuk menjaga dan mendorong kehormatan dan kemuliaannya. Aku memandang pembicaraan ini yang terpenting adalah batasannya, penyimpangannya, kebaikannya, dan kejelekannya. Tiga kalimat ini ada dalam setiap hati manusia, dan mereka memberi makna dari tiga hal ini sesuai dengan apa yang mereka maknai.

Cinta (Al-Hubb)
Cinta yaitu Al-Widaad yakni kecenderungan hati pada yang dicintai, dan itu termasuk amalan hati, bukan amalan anggota badan/dhahir. Pernikahan itu tidak akan bahagia dan berfaedah kecuali jika ada cinta dan kasih sayang diantara suami-isteri.

Dan kuncinya kecintaan adalah pandangan. Oleh karena itu, Rasulullah Sawmenganjurkan pada orang yang meminang untuk melihat pada yang dipinang agar sampai pada kata sepakat dan cinta, seperti telah kami jelaskan dalam bab Kedua.

Sungguh telah diriwayatkan oleh Imam Ahmad dan Nasa’i dari Mughirah bin Su’bah r.a berkata : “Aku telah meminang seorang wanita”, lalu Rasulullah Sawbertanya kepadaku : “Apakah kamu telah melihatnya ?” Aku berkata : “Belum”, maka beliau bersabda : “Maka lihatlah dia, karena sesungguhnya hal itu pada akhirnya akan lebih menambah kecocokan dan kasih sayang antara kalian berdua”

Sesungguhnya kami tahu bahwa kebanyakan dari orang-orang, lebih-lebih pemuda dan pemudi, mereka takut membicarakan masalah “cinta”, bahkan umumnya mereka mengira pembahasan cinta adalah perkara-perkara yang haram, karena itu mereka merasa menghadapi cinta itu dengan keyakinan dosa dan mereka mengira diri mereka bermaksiat, bahkan salah seorang diantara mereka memandang, bila hatinya condong pada seseorang berarti dia telah berbuat dosa.

Kenyataannya, bahwa di sini banyak sekali kerancuan-kerancuan dalam pemahaman mereka tentang “cinta” dan apa-apa yang tumbuh dari cinta itu, dari hubungan antara laki-laki dan perempuan. Dimana mereka beranggapan bahwa cinta itu suatu maksiat, karena sesungguhnya dia memahami cinta itu dari apa-apa yang dia lihat dari lelaki-lelaki rusak dan perempuan-perempuan rusak yang diantara mereka menegakkan hubungan yang tidak disyariatkan.

Mereka saling duduk, bermalam, saling bercanda, saling menari, dan minum-minum, bahkan sampai mereka berzina di bawah semboyan cinta. Mereka mengira bahwa ‘cinta’ tidak ada lain kecuali yang demikian itu. Padahal sebenarnya tidak begitu, tetapi justru sebaliknya.
Sesungguhnya kecenderungan seorang lelaki pada wanita dan kecenderungan wanita pada lelaki itu merupakan syahwat dari syahwat-syahwat yang telah Allah hiaskan pada manusia dalam masalah cinta. Artinya Allah menjadikan di dalam syahwat apa-apa yang menyebabkan hati laki-laki itu cenderung pada wanita, sebagaimana firman Allah Swt :

["Dijadikan indah pada (pandangan) manusia kecintaan kepada apa-apa yang diingini, yaitu : wanita-wanita, anak-anak,..."] Ali-’Imran : 14
Allah lah yang menghiasi bagi manusia untuk cinta pada syahwat ini, maka manusia mencintainya dengan cinta yang besar, dan sungguh telah tersebut dalam hadits bahwa Nabi Saw bersabda :

["Diberi rasa cinta padaku dari dunia kalian : wanita dan wangi-wangian dan dijadikan penyejuk mataku dalam sholat"] HR Ahmad, Nasa’i, Hakim dan Baihaqi.
Andaikan tidak ada rasa cinta lelaki pada wanita atau sebaliknya, maka tidak ada pernikahan, tidak ada keturunan dan tidak ada keluarga. Namun, Allah Swt tidaklah menjadikan lelaki cinta pada wanita atau sebaliknya supaya menumbuhkan diantara keduanya hubungan yang diharamkan, tetapi untuk menegakkan hukum-hukum yang disyari’atkan dalam bersuami isteri, sebagaimana tercantum dalam hadits Ibnu Majah, dari Abdullah bin Abbas r.a berkata : telah bersabda Rasulullah Saw:

["Tidak terlihat dua orang yang saling mencintai, seperti pernikahan"]
Dan agar orang-orang Islam menjauhi jalan-jalan yang rusak atau keji, maka Allah telah menyuruh yang pertama kali agar menundukan pandangan, karena ‘pandangan’ itu kuncinya hati, dan Allah telah haramkan semua sebab-sebab yang mengantarkan pada fitnah, dan kekejian, seperti berduaan dengan orang yang bukan mahramnya, bersenggolan, bersalaman, berciuman antara lelaki dan wanita, karena perkara ini dapat menyebabkan condongnya hati. Maka bila hati telah condong, dia akan sulit sekali menahan jiwa setelah itu, kecuali yang dirahmati Allah Swt.

Bahwa Allah tidak akan menyiksa manusia dalam kecenderungan hatinya. Akan tetapi manusia akan disiksa dengan sebab jika kecenderungan itu diikuti dengan amalan-amalan yang diharamkan. Contohnya : apabila lelaki dan wanita saling pandang memandang atau berduaan atau duduk cerita panjang lebar, lalu cenderunglah hati keduanya dan satu sama lainnya saling mencinta, maka kecondongan ini tidak akan menyebabkan keduanya disiksanya, karena hal itu berkaitan dengan hati, sedang manusia tidak bisa untuk menguasai hatinya.

Akan tetapi, keduanya diazab karena apa yang dia lakukan. Dan karena keduanya melakukan sebab-sebab yang menyampaikan pada ‘cinta’, seperti perkara yang telah kami sebutkan. Dan keduanya akan dimintai tajawab, dan akan disiksa juga dari setiap keharaman yang dia perbuat setelah itu.

Adapun cinta yang murni yang dijaga kehormatannya, maka tidak ada dosa padanya, bahkan telah disebutkan olsebagian ulama seperti Imam Suyuthi, bahwa orang yang mencintai seseorang lalu menjaga kehormatan dirinya dan dia menyembunyikan cintanya maka dia diberi pahala, sebagaimana akan dijelaskan dalam ucapan kami dalam bab ‘Rindu’. Dan dalam keadaan yang mutlak, sesungguhnya yang paling selamat yaitu menjauhi semua sebab-sebab yang menjerumuskan hati dalam persekutuan cinta, dan mengantarkan pada bahaya-bahaya yang banyak, namun …..sangat sedikit mereka yang selamat.
Rindu (Al-’Isyq)

Rindu itu ialah cinta yang berlebihan, dan ada rindu yang disertai dengan menjaga diri dan ada juga yang diikuti dengan kerendahan. Maka rindu tersebut bukanlah hal yang tercela dan keji secara mutlak. Tetapi bisa jadi orang yang rindu itu, rindunya disertai dengan menjaga diri dan kesucian, dan kadang-kadang ada rindu itu disertai kerendahan dan kehinaan.
Sebagaimana telah disebutkan, dalam ucapan kami tentang cinta maka rindu juga seperti itu, termasuk amalan hati, yang orang tidak mampu menguasainya.

Tapi manusia akan dihisab atas sebab-sebab yang diharamkan dan atas hasil-hasilnya yang haram. Adapun rindu yang disertai dengan menjaga diri padanya dan menyembunyikannya dari orang-orang, maka padanya pahala, bahkan Ath-Thohawi menukil dalam kitab Haasyi’ah Marakil Falah dari Imam Suyuthi yang mengatakan bahwa termasuk dari golongan syuhada di akhirat ialah orang-orang yang mati dalam kerinduan dengan tetap menjaga kehormatan diri dan disembunyikan dari orang-orang meskipun kerinduan itu timbul dari perkara yang haram sebagaimana pembahasan dalam masalah cinta.

Makna ucapan Suyuthi adalah orang-orang yang memendam kerinduan baik laki-laki maupun perempuan, dengan tetap menjaga kehormatan dan menyembunyikan kerinduannya sebab dia tidak mampu untuk mendapatkan apa yang dirindukannya dan bersabar atasnya sampai mati karena kerinduan tersebut maka dia mendapatkan pahala syahid di akhirat.

Hal ini tidak aneh jika fahami kesabaran orang ini dalam kerinduan bukan dalam kefajiran yang mengikuti syahwat dan dia bukan orang yang rendah yang melecehkan kehormatan manusia bahkan dia adalah seorang yang sabar, menjaga diri meskipun dalam hatinya ada kekuatan dan ada keterkaitan dengan yang dirindui, dia tahan kekerasan jiwanya, dia ikat anggota badannya sebab ini di bawah kekuasaannya. Adapun hatinya dia tidak bisa menguasai maka dia bersabar atasnya dengan sikap afaf (menjaga diri) dan menyembunyikan kerinduannya sehingga dengan itu dia mendapat pahala.

Cemburu (Al-Ghairah)

Cemburu ialah kebencian seseorang untuk disamai dengan orang lain dalam hak-haknya, dan itu merupakan salah satu akibat dari buah cinta. Maka tidak ada cemburu kecuali bagi orang yang mencintai. Dan cemburu itu termasuk sifat yang baik dan bagian yang mulia, baik pada laki-laki atau wanita.

Ketika seorang wanita cemburu maka dia akan sangat marah ketika suaminya berniat kawin dan ini fitrah padanya. Sebab perempuan tidak akan menerima madunya karena kecemburuannya pada suami, dia senang bila diutamakan, sebab dia mencintai suaminya. Jika dia tidak mencintai suaminya, dia tidak akan peduli (lihat pada bab I). Kita tekankan lagi disini bahwa seorang wanita akan menolak madunya, tetapi tidak boleh menolak hukum syar’i tentang bolehnya poligami.

Penolakan wanita terhadap madunya karena gejolak kecemburuan, adapun penolakan dan pengingkaran terhadap hukum syar’i tidak akan terjadi kecuali karena kelalaian dan kesesatan. Adapun wanita yang shalihah, dia akan menerima hukum-hukum syariat dengan tanpa ragu-ragu, dan dia yakin bahwa padanya ada semua kebaikan dan hikmah. Dia tetap memiliki kecemburuan terhadap suaminya serta ketidaksenangan terhadap madunya.
Kami katakan kepada wanita-wanita muslimah khususnya, bahwa ada bidadari yang jelita matanya yang Allah Swt jadikan mereka untuk orang mukmin di sorga.

Maka wanita muslimat tidak boleh mengingkari adanya ‘bidadari’ ini untuk orang mukmin atau mengingkari hal-hal tersebut, karena dorongan cemburu. Maka kami katakan padanya :
Dia tidak tahu apakah dia akan berada bersama suaminya di surga kelak atau tidak.
Bahwa cemburu tidak ada di surga, seperti yang ada di dunia.

Bahwasanya Allah Swt telah mengkhususkan juga bagi wanita dengan kenikmatan-kenikmatan yang mereka ridlai, meski kita tidak mengetahui secara rinci.
Surga merupakan tempat yang kenikmatannya belum pernah terlihat oleh mata, terdengar oleh telinga dan terbetik dalam hati manusia, seperti firman Allah Swt

["Seorangpun tidak mengetahui apa yang disembunyikan untuk mereka yaitu (bermacam-macam nikmat) yang menyedapkan pandangan mata sebagai balasan terhadap apa yang telah mereka kerjakan"] As-Sajdah : 17

Oleh karena itu, tak seorang pun mengetahui apa yang tersembunyi bagi mereka dari bidadari-bidadari penyejuk mata sebagai balasan pada apa-apa yang mereka lakukan. Dan di sorga diperoleh kenikmatan-kenikmatan bagi mukmin dan mukminat dari apa-apa yang mereka inginkan, dan juga didapatkan hidangan-hidangan, dan akan menjadi saling ridho di antara keduanya sepenuhnya. Maka wajib bagi keduanya (suami-isteri) di dunia ini untuk beramal sholeh agar memperoleh kebahagiaan di sorga dengan penuh kenikmatan dan rahmat Allah Swt yang sangat mulia lagi pemberi rahmat.

Adapun kecemburuan seorang laki-laki pada keluarganya dan kehormatannya, maka hal tersebut ‘dituntut dan wajib’ baginya karena termasuk kewajiban seorang laki-laki untuk cemburu pada kehormatannya dan kemuliaannya. Dan dengan adanya kecemburuan ini, akan menolak adanya kemungkaran di keluarganya. Adapun contoh kecemburuan dia pada isteri dan anak-anaknya, yaitu dengan cara tidak rela kalau mereka telanjang dan membuka tabir di depan laki-laki yang bukan mahramnya, bercanda bersama mereka, hingga seolah-olah laki-laki itu saudaranya atau anak-anaknya.

Anehnya bahwa kecemburuan seperti ini, di jaman kita sekarang dianggap ekstrim-fanatik, dan lain-lain. Akan tetapi akan hilang keheranan itu ketika kita sebutkan bahwa manusia di jaman kita sekarang ini telah hidup dengan adat barat yang jelek. Dan maklum bahwa masyarakat barat umumnya tidak mengenal makna aib, kehormatan dan tidak kenal kemuliaan, karena serba boleh (permisivisme), mengumbar hawa nafsu kebebasan saja. Maka orang-orang yang mengagumi pada akhlaq-akhlaq barat ini tidak mau memperhatikan pada akhlaq Islam yang dibangun atas dasar penjagaan kehormatan, kemuliaan dan keutamaan.

Sesungguhnya Rasulullah Saw telah mensifati seorang laki-laki yang tidak cemburu pada keluarganya dengan sifat-sifat yang jelek, yaitu ‘Dayyuuts’. Sungguh ada dalam hadits yang diriwayatkan oleh Imam Ath-Thabraani dari Amar bin Yasir r.a, serta dari Al-Hakim, Ahmad dan Baihaqi dari Abdullah bin Amr r.a, dari Nabi Saw bahwa ada tiga golongan yang tidak akan masuk surga yaitu peminum khomr, pendurhaka orang tua dan dayyuts. Kemudian Nabi menjelaskan tentang dayyuts, yaitu orang yang membiarkan keluarganya dalam kekejian atau kerusakan, dan keharaman.

Wallahu a’lam

10.10.10

2010-10-10T06:08:00.000+08:00

I have to blog today since its THE perfect 10!

Been lazying again today, despite the fact that I have an exam in less than 20 days! Ohhhhhh

Today heard the following ppl got engaged/got married/getting married/getting engaged:

Hanep: Got engaged today
Aziah:Got married a few days ago
Shana:Got engaged yesterday
Azizah:Getting married in Nov

and a few other celebrities as well.

All the best to everyone who just got married and those joining in the bandwagon as well.

I can only pray mine would come one day too! God knows when though!

Other nice dates:
1.1.11
1.11.11
11.11.11
1.2.12
1.12.12
12.12.12
1.3.13
13.3.13

Unfortunately there won't be a 13.13.13! hehe

Okay pick your dates quick! hehe

arrrgggghh

2010-10-06T20:46:00.001+08:00

Teringinnya nak makan macam2! tengok kuah kacang, teringin. tengok nasik lemak, teringin. tengok rendang, teringin. tengok nasik impit kuah kacang, teringin. tengok kuah masak lemak makan dengan nasik impit, teringin. semuaaaaaaaa teringin!

oh tadi tengok kek lapis, teringiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

aaa takdak ka sapa2 nak sponsor makanan2 tersebut.. nak masak tak reti! sedehnya T_T

College and Ramadhan

2010-08-11T07:02:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah I am given another chance of Ramadhan. I should be happy, I am happy, but I can't hide the fact that I'm sad to go through this on my own.

College started on Monday and there are so many loopholes in my memory I think if I list down what I know, it'll be a shorter list than your average supermarket shopping list.

Anyhow, the months ahead will be tough. I just have to swim across the tide. Wish me luck!

Hari ini dalam Sejarah

2010-08-11T06:57:00.003+08:00

18.06.10 - 10.08.10

Barely 2 months. Alhamdulillah, segala pujian hanya pada Allah. Syukur.. at least it wasn't complicated. Seek, and you shall receive. This is for the best, InshaAllah.

What started as a simple virtual hello, ended with a simple phone call. It's amazing how technology connects and disconnects people so easily. Was it better in the old days when they didn't have any of these devices? Who knows.

Amsterdam

2010-08-09T03:42:00.002+08:00

The course was surprisingly very very good! My prayers were answered, despite not having a roommate before going there, Yasmin, the sister I contacted beforehand had found herself wanting to swap room as her friend from work could not join her due to visa issues.

So we shared a room, and I couldn't ask for a better roommie! We had soo much fun together, not least because she enjoys snapping pics as much as I do! And it's sooo funny how I felt like I've known her way before we even met. There was one night where we just chatted until the early hours and I think I fell asleep halfway through the conversation, sorry darling! Hopefully we'll get to meet each other soon, really missed her already!

Things I realised:
1) Europeans are sooo much friendlier than English people. Fact.
2) Wearing hijab is a good way of starting a conversation, not just with fellow Muslims, but also non-muslims.
3) I'm sooooo thankful England is very tolerant towards Muslims, as some European countries won't even allow women to wear what they like (read No2). Alhamdulillah.
4) Even if I eat more than 3 meals per day (during the course), or diet extensively (at home), I still end up with the same weight! So diet or not, I won't lose anymore weight? Noooooo!
5) The food there was ah-ma-zing I wish I could stay for another week!

Ok will list more if I remember any other good points.

Tomorrow is college! Ohh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Wish me luck!

Apples

2010-06-22T21:19:00.001+08:00

Workrelatedinjuries

2010-06-18T05:15:00.002+08:00

Seriously work is a torture at the moment. Demanding managers all breathing down your neck. All at the same time.

Anyway, been working at hospitals for the past 2 weeks. The intention was to hang around the hospital long enough to be introduced to any medics, but the only 'introduction' I got was a guy in blue scrubs saying a sheepish hello while pouring milk into his cup of tea. It was 8.30 in the morning and he looked like he could do with a few more hours of sleep.

Quite awkward as I was trying to find the loo. All I could manage was a rushed 'Hi' back and left. Like a makcik kehilangan anak tergesa2. haih.. And then stumbled onto a wrong door which said 'Resident Doctor Private Rooms'. That explained the sleepy looking blue scrubber.

Que sera sera

2010-03-16T05:32:00.007+08:00

Do you remember your childhood dreams? I'm sure everyone had a dream of what they wanted to be when they grow up.

I've never dreamed of becoming an accountant. Let me tell you, I am so grateful and thankful to Allah for what I have now. I've once said to my mom when I was 16 that I didn't want to 'end up' being an accountant! I said end up because to me becoming an accountant is like a dead end! Like when you drive looking for a way out and then there's no way out at the end of the road (jalan mati!). And then who knew that I was going to be offered a place to do BSc AccyFin here and now training to become one? Allah knows best.

When I was about 9, I was quite serious of wanting to become a lawyer. I think half of my class in primary school knew about this (if they can still remember!). They always made fun of me for this!One friend, perhaps confusing a lawyer and a magistrates, was making fun of my height and said people would not be able to see my head in the court room cos the table would be too high!

I was really into court cases, and my hero at primary school was of course Karpal Singh. One of the biggest murder cases that was going on when I was in Standard 4 was of course Mona Fendi's case. My mom was into this case, so she would buy this specific newspaper (I've forgotten what's it called now), and everyday they would print the dialogues in the courtroom. I would then cut this and put it in my scrap book. And every sunday, in Berita Minggu, there was a section where they dug up old criminal cases, like Botak Chin for example, and I would religiously cut out these too! If I did this too early you would then hear screams from my mom as she hadn't read the paper yet! In the scrap book I would reference the date and highlight what the commentaries for the cases were. I would make sure I went through this again and again, and I always thought this was a good training to become a lawyer! haha

On the side, I also *secretly* wanted to become a news presenter! I would make up my hair (masa kecik ni tak pakai tudung lagi) and sit in front of the mirror and read the news (konon la). You would hear me saying:

Salam sejahtera, Sari berita penting (style RTM ni) hehe.
Dua penjenayah dari Melaka berjaya ditembak mati polis tengah malam semalam ketika sedang merompak dua rakan di kedai makan.

Selalunya berita jenayah la. Ganas baru orang nak dengar berita. hehe

So yes, I made up my mind at 9 years old that I either would become a lawyer (criminal lawyer) or a newspresenter (reading criminal news, nonetheless). I even had a picture in my mind what and how I would look like when I turn 20 and start my dream job.

I am now 20+ and none of what I dreamed of more than a decade ago had happened, yet. But the dream lives on.

Is this it?

2010-03-01T06:11:00.003+08:00

I think I'm losing it. These days all I do is wake up, go to work, come back from work, do some unfinished work, eat, go to sleep, wake up, go to work, come back from work, do some more unfinished work, and repeat the whole sentence again. Yes, it's beyond boring! I hate to think that this was what I wanted to do when I was applying for the job. Work has consumed me inside out. I don't even have time to call home and talk to my parents. I used to call my mom every single day when I was at uni. I was very lucky that they were with me when I started this job, so I talked to them every single day. And then they went home. I'm lucky if I can speak to my mom once/twice a week these days. It's that bad.

I keep on asking myself, is this what I want to do? Not having anything else in life except work? I have some weekend life if I make an effort to go to London. But after having some good laugh, the journey back to Luton is just soo sad. Back to reality and I hate that feeling. It's the same feeling I had when I was at KYS, in the car, near the taman rama2, after a long holiday, or a weekend away. The same feeling. It's just that this time, there were strangers on the train, and I am in a different country. But same feeling nevertheless.

I really shouldn't be too ungrateful. I wanted this job. I prayed and worked hard for it. Allah gave me what I asked. Alhamdulillah. But now I realised it's really not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I can't stand the fact that I'm not doing anything to benefit anyone except the partners who're making lots of money so that they can buy the next model of Maserati.

Random thoughts

2010-01-28T05:51:00.003+08:00

My heart has been broken many times, but isn't it funny how I'm still breathing and alive.

You may break my heart, but you'll never break my faith in destiny.

Winter may have frozen all the lakes and dried all the leaves, but not for long as Spring will awaken all atoms and refresh all hopes.

The best part of breaking up is making up. Sorry, I beg to differ.

You may not aware of my feelings, but I'm content even if we're together only in my dreams.

Suddenly the winter doesn't freeze me, the warmth of memory beats all blues.

I have a confession

2010-01-23T06:12:00.002+08:00

I have a BIG crush on Alex James!!!! Seriously, a huge one! Go goooogle him up!

Not a happy note..

2009-11-26T03:58:00.003+08:00

Have you ever felt like you don't belong? I thought I wouldn't ever feel that way again after I left high school. Yes believe it or not, there were soooo many times when I was in high school I felt like I didn't belong there. This blog has never been a place for me to show my 'other' darker sides, but this will change in this entry...

I was offerred a place at Kys after somebody didn't turn up for her place, can't remember her name now, but the late Mr Ramli Maidin was very kind to offer me a place on that fateful Sunday night on the phone to my dad. Despite everything, I can never thank him enough..

But I didn't try to fit in. I got along with some people, had issues with a few, made some good friends, and did mostly my own things, especially so when I was in Form 3-Form 5. I did not study in the same prep room with my peers for PMR and SPM, found it less condusive to do so. So I set up my study table with the juniors. Thats where I spent most of my time, eating, even sleeping at weekends and doing Yoga! Allah answered my prayers, and I got what I wanted, 8As in PMR and 9A1s in SPM. Alhamdulillah..

And then college. I didn't feel so out of place here cos I felt like I earned a place there although again, I got the scholarship after someone pulled out, she was even in my class at college and was under a different scholarship. But I believe in rezeki, so I worked my ar*e off for A Levels. Maybe I didn't work as hard as I should have, even then I felt I had worked harder at SPM, but alhamdulillah, I managed to get a place at the university of my choice here.

Warwick was the best place, I felt totally at ease with myself. Although I got along fine with everyone, I didn't have a best friend. I was a bit of a loner really. I just didn't share the same taste in terms of activities as some other people. And I did think some people might even find me hard to handle. Anyway, I did work hard at university, and alhamdulillah managed to get a good grade in final year. My university years, are by far the best experience in my life. I got a job at the Warw**k Arts Cen**e, and only after 8 months working I was promoted to Head Steward, so I was already managing almost 16 stewards on a busy night when I was only a second year. I really enjoyed the experience..

Now working for a big company, there are some times when I just feel out of my comfort zone, no friends, just acquaintances, and no-one to turn to when it gets a bit too much. I'm on training at the moment, and the activities are quite intense sometimes. I always looked forward to quizzes cos I could feel myself challenged, but since some people give a weird look if you try too hard, I often find myself trying not to answer everytime. Thank God there's another guy who always tries to get all the points for his team. you won't believe how some ppl gave him the look! It feels like you're in primary classroom and the boys were tired of the girl incessant question! hahahaahhah. This is a true story actually, but it wasn't me! Well maybe that deserves another blog post.

Anyway, something happened today that made me feel quite embarrassed and out of place. When the instructor called somebody from my table to volunteer for a tie-breaker with another team, mind you I have contributed a lot for the team with the points, and its always only me and this other guy in the team that answered the quizzes, the other guys and girls seemed very uninterested. Oh don't let me start of the Irish guy called Mikey he was not only racist, he keeps using foul language whenever he's not happy with something which can be pretty much about anything! He is so rude, when he came in the first day, he didn't even bother introducing himself, and the other day when he was trying to catch up with the rest of the class and was asking for the password, he ignored me when all I did was try and help him! So rude!! Anyway, I thought to myself, I don't have to try and make him like me, he can go to **ll for all I care!

Ah malas nak type lagi. Nak mandi. bye.

Kebetulan... (orang lain takkan paham ni)...

2009-11-21T03:05:00.003+08:00

Ada cerita di sebalik ni.. First cut is the deepest they say. Can't agree more.

Mimpi aneh

2009-11-19T06:07:00.003+08:00

Maka pada suatu hari inilah mimpinya:

Someone told me that I had to go to Rio De Janeiro, it was a short notice and I was a bit panicky. In the dream I didn't know where Rio de Janeiro was, so when someone asked where it was I said 'oh somewhere near America'. And then (out of nowhere), still in my dream, a friend from high school said 'No, it's in Brazil'.

When I woke up, I was thinking to myself: Do I really know where Rio de Janeiro is? No. Then how come I can actually come up with a correct answer, albeit through a different character??? and all day at work I was thinking about this dream and I checked google, it is Brazil!

So how did I know the answer in my dream??? Weird....

Mimpi hanyalah mainan tidur.... tapi saya sangat suka kalau mimpi...hehehe

Selamat Hari Raya Luton!

2009-09-20T09:55:00.002+08:00

Selamat hari raya buat Kakak di Segamat, Bangcik dan keluarga di Kelantan, Bob di Sg Petani, Abah mama dan adik di Luton! Adik sampai semalam, jadi kami beraya berempat taun ni!

Yey makan ketupat! Yey dapat cuti hari isnin (nasib baik manager baik, thanks Neil!)

hari isnin jalan2 london ya Allah permudahkanlah!

P/s: sedeh kesian kat bob raya sorang2 dengan kawan2 dia...

Old flame

2009-09-10T18:38:00.003+08:00

My old flame is engaged to be married! I guess I expected it to come sooner or later. Who was I kidding, we never made any promise, so the inevitable is here whether I like it or not. Yes, deep down I still have the same feelings, but I am a coward and always have been when it comes to relationships. Plus, sparks are not enough to make a fire last when the wind's too strong.

Maybe God had planned it this way, for me not to know it earlier is a blessing in disguise, it would have affected me even more if I knew it two months ago, when I was very vulnerable emotionally.

So he's engaged, and I am not dreaming it, all it took was one sentence and all was revealed. So what do I say? What do I do? Thank God for YM! You can't tell my expressions! I was numb for a few deafening seconds and then I said what other sensible people would say when told such news. But if you knew me, you'd say I was lying. Was I? God knows.

It was too much to bear, so I said my goodbye and wish secretly he'd know my feelings. The truth is he never will. The distance is too great. No bridge would be able to connect it. 11 years. God has it been that long? I have told myself time and time again to move on, so don't say I never tried. I've always been a loyal person. So there's no exception here. But I believe in destiny so mine will come maybe not in the form of the person who I've been loyal to for more than a decade. But he will come.

14 March 2009

2009-03-16T05:04:00.002+08:00

I have to blog today as I'm officially an aunt for the second time! Woohooo. Well actually the baby boy came into the world last nite around 10pm. Abah broke the news over the phone. Alhamdulillah!

p/s: full name belom tau, aufa kot? tau fu fah? hahaha siap la esok kena gelak kat skolah. opps sorry fafa, nanti maksu pos baju okes!

The end of Woolies

2009-01-03T05:47:00.003+08:00

The news have been replaying the same news stroy over and over again. I couldn't even recall what people use to call it, before credit crunch got into our vocabulary. (side dish: anyone still using the thick physical dictionary? They must have a hard time having to upgrade it every single time a new word came about)

Anyway, we went to Woolworth a couple of times since the news about their administration came out. There isn't one in Luton, the branch closed way before the whole company collapses-early this year and the nearest one is in Hitchin (about 30 mins away). I remember having a conversation with a local Lutonian about Luton not having a woolies ( I love the chocolate there, my visit to ole coventry town would not complete without a trip to wollies). Many loved the pick&mix there and some joked, even if no millionnaire wanted to save woolies, at least save this part for the sake of the kids who wouldn't be able to enjoy the variety on offer. I never tried them but they looked quite good.

During our visits, there were hardly anything worth buying for really. The good chocolates of course had been scoured by many a visitor during it's last few days of opening. On our last visit to the Milton Keynes branch, all the fixtures and fittings were on sale too. Even the manager's desks, the employees' lockers, racks, shelves, every single thing. The whole store still had items left over though, old socks, dusty shoes and kids apparels, rusting nuts and bolts, the odd plastic bins, the old cds that nobody wanted to buy either because the singer was rubbish, or they already had a copy, or they hated the song. Or all of them, or they'd rather listen to the free youtube.

Looking at the unwanted shoes, the nuts and bolts, the pink shorts and skirts, and many other stuff that were still in plastic boxes on the floor: I wonder what would happen to them. Would the employee bag them for free and give family and friends after they left Woolies and tried to look for another? Would they be given to charities and the homeless? Woul they be recycled?

What would the employees do? They've been quite helpful in helping Woolies end on a high note, but everyone knows the market is as gloomy as ever, Woolies is not the only one in the retail industry loosing its prominence: Officer's Club, Whittards of Chelsea, Zavvi, and the kitchen supplier MFI. And experts are saying hundreds more will face the same fate soon. Which means the chance for these employees to find a job in the retail industry is arguably slim.

Thankfully there's jobseeker's allowance for these people, and redundancy payments to help ease the burden, but even these money came from from 'someone else's' pocket. How long would these continue??

Let me just finish this cup of Milo as for now....

Empat belas tiga puluh & two-oh-oh-nine!

2009-01-03T05:14:00.002+08:00

As we welcome the new year, I can't help but look at how the past year has been for me, so many ups and downs, so many new things learnt, new experiences, new failures and wins. Let's summarise shall we:

January: After an incidental chat with a group mate at Warwick Library, I realised I needed to do something with life after graduation. Taken the advice and acted upon it in less than 3 days. Alhamdulillah I can never thanked you enough friend. (I told him about this and hope Allah balas sewajarnya InsyaAllah).

February: Went for two nerve wrecking interviews and along the way had help from friends. Very pleased with the results and helped me concentrate on exams more. Got the best present ever for my birthday, a job offer!

A couple of weeks before the interviews, I had the most upsetting result for one of my assignments. It was really bad considering the amount of research and time spent on it. To be fair, it wasn't my best essay ever, but I really had numerous chats with the lecturer, more than I had with any other subject. Had even sought for moral support from the senior person, the lecturer himself, and my personal tutor. I knew then it was impossible to change the result, but I guess I was comforted by the fact that many shared the same fate as me.

It wasn't easy to forget, but I knew I musn't let it consume me.

March: No highlights? I was too consumed with work!

April: Trying to revise as early as I could, and exams came in early this year too!

May: Exams!

June: Lost 5kgs in time for graduation and before Mama came. All thanks to moving halls, panicking about not finding a place to live after graduation and work. What a shame that I have gained more than that since living in Luton with my parents! The cold weather doesn't help I tell you!

July: Graduation!!

August: Moved to Luton. Bade sayonara to my old laptop and bought a new one.

September: Started college and meeting new people, started a new routine of going to classes, with homework to finish and exams to sit for.

October: Raya in Luton with parents after 3years!. New experience for my parents and to a lesser extent, me. Not to mention the nerve-wrecking moments when Abah was stranded in Dhaka by British officers. Scary scary moments. Couldn't concentrate in class, but everyone was so helpful even my Law tutor tried to help by recalling his stories of being stranded in Korea. He always has a story to relate to everything!

November: The result came out! Alhamdulillah, passed all papers! Dreading the next phase!

December: Loved all the trainings, stayed at nice hotels, met nice people, lovely desserts. ahh bliss.. On the side: started client work.

Bring on 2009!

Warwick for a brief

2008-12-30T17:43:00.002+08:00

Very brief indeed. We were there for less than an hour I think. I was very excited to show my parents where I called home for the last three years. But the weather was not helping much it was freezing cold and by the time we got there it was already almost Maghrib.

I was quite disappointed that the security didn't let us past the barrier to Lakeside. My dad really wanted to see the lakes and the wheat plantation. What a shame.

We went to Royal Grill before leaving Coventry and thanks to that I was really sleepy in the car.

It felt really good whilst praying in the Prayer Hall. Seeing familiar places, familiar spots in prayer hall where I used to spend a few nights when I was feeling quite low in energy to take the bus home or when I had to work at 9 on Sundays (bus doesn't start till 10am on Sundays, hence overnighting in the cold Prayer hall was needed).

There were doing major constructions on the Student Union and Arts Centre. But the eatery at Arts Centre was open, the last time I was there it was shut. They changed the old wooded chairs to white ones. Or repainted the old ones, I don't know. The Front of House office where I used to report for work was shut, if not I could've said hi to Emma or any other stewards on duty.

I felt as if I was back to somewhere safe. I really liked warwick. It has been kind to me. I have so much good memories there. I loved my jobs as Steward there and really missed watching good shows for free. Movies, concerts, comedies, even selling ice creams. I enjoyed them all. The last concert I did was perhaps Jason Mraz concert, I was already at Westwood by then, he was literally 5 metres from where I was standing the whole time, but it was such a bummer that I didn't have my glasses on, my vision could have been better. But the experience was amazing!

Hola Barcelona!

2008-12-14T08:07:00.009+08:00

Selsdon Park Hotel

2008-11-12T09:37:00.002+08:00

I am now at the hotel in South Croydon on training with the firm. It's a truly amazing place this is, the facility is superb, the hotel itself has been extablished since the 1920s! That's really something, isn't it! There's a golf course, acres and acres of land at the back of the hotel which I have not yet got a chance to roam, and the room is absolutely fantastic. Although I am feeling a bit lonely that mama dan abah are in Luton and not with me, I wish they were. I should have forced them to come, but there's costs to think about as well, but the room is massive, I really am feeling quite lonely in here all by myself.

Today before dinner somebody bumped into me and started conversing in bahasa melayu, and I could tell he's not had a practised in a while, but it's truly impressive really. Jamie used to work in Brunei, and had a friend in Kota Kinabalu and he's done Gunung Kinabalu twice! Mentioned it to him that I did it when I was 14 too. We had a nice chat and would have gone on for a bit longer until he realised I hadn't had my dinner.

Went to have a quick dinner, the meals.. well, there's not that many that I could eat, they tend to put wine or some other forms of liquor in most of the dishes which the waitress/waiter would kindly point out for me which was nice. But they do have halal chicken, although they seemed to unable to comprehend that when u put alcohol into the sauce that goes with the chicken, the meal would then be haraam. Oh well, need to educate them on them.

Oh ya, we did the synchronised swimming today (on land) during the intermission session, we performed last and ended first! Although we were all over the place with the synchronisation to be honest! We were the only group with natural sound, in other words, we hummed the danube song as our background music, there's another group with music, but they got it off computer which is not really that creative haha.

Ok need to get some sleep for tomorrow, I need to be early, as I was one minute late this morning!! Not impressive!!!

nitee

Which city is famous for Strawhats, Vauxhall and had an album named after its airport?

2008-08-10T08:00:00.002+08:00

....It's Luton of course!

Yes yes, I'm in Luton now, after two weeks living like a nomad. Alhamdulillah, at last, I found a pad here for me and my mom. We moved here on Saturday the 26th of July, and I could not stop counting my blessings, although it wasn't really smooth sailing. But the landlord and his family are great people and they tried their best to make us feel home.

The first day we found out that the hot water was not working properly, told him on Sunday, and he promised that someone would come on Monday to fix it. The guy came, but the boiler decided to behave when he was around so surprise surprise, there was no hot water again when he left! But he was a nice gentleman who made some small talks with me, so I didn't know that he was paid 60 quid for just 10 minute worth of talking!

The second guy came on Tuesday, but he also did not solve the problem. My guess was he was with the same company with the first one, but he said something like he needed to talk with the landlord to let him do thorough cleaning of the boiler, and for this he needed to break the wall or something. So I let him go and said I'd tell the landlord about this. And only when Mr J came later that night with another boiler man did I know that the other two guys were paid 60 quid each time and still no result! What a waste!

The third guy was Mr J's friend from Pakistan, and he looked professional, and I was surprised to see that he was willing to come and look at the boiler at that hour (11pm!). To that MrJ replied that he was a friend of his, and said he's a really busy man and since he's good at what he's doing he was booked up during the day. This guy did clean the boiler and put some strong chemical in it and before leaving he told some jokes to me and I laughed with them although he took his time to tell it. After he's done he said insyaAllah the boiler will work again, but the next morning it's back to cold water after 30 seconds of shower!

And then on Wednesday MrJ said he'd taken a contract with BGas and another guy would come and fix the boiler. I was so relieved by this, since a contract means there won't be anymore of "wait a few days and it'll work fine" kind of comments, since they have to make sure whatever they do will amount to results! And this also means MrJ doesn't need to fork out more money for some boiler man to come in and get paid for nothing.

So the 4th guy came at 9am on Friday as promised and I had to take some time to put on my hijab (to which the boilerman thought I was still in bed!). He looked like he knew what he was doing, and he had one small laptop-like machine with which he checked the boiler, and his phone is that superhard panasonic types and I think only handy-men like this would own one cause it doesn't have the camera/3G etc. But I bet they could be thrown on rocks and still work fine. And when I asked him politely whether he'd mine taking his shoes off, he said he could use his overshoes instead. See, only professionals like this carry overshoes with them while they do house visits and I think I want to get some of them so that I can give to visitors who don't like taking their shoes off before entering the house. But I still don't know where they're sold though.

After about 2 hours, he said he figured out what needed to be fixed, and he needed to get the parts and come back on Monday. He put something like smoke detector on the wall and said he'd bill that to MrJ. Poor MrJ, he's been spending a lot for this part of the house since we moved in.

So we've been blessed with hot water since Monday and I'm very pleased. The guy spent more than 3 hours in the kitchen and I really ran out of ideas to chat to him so I spent time between checking up on him and blog-hop. This guy is a lot younger than previous boiler men, and he might even be somewhere around my age.

Another thing about the house: There was only a dryer, which I thought was a washer dryer before. And after talking to MrJ, he promised to buy a washer dryer instead. I said a washing machine would be fine not wanting him to think that I'm demanding, but he insisted, so a few days ago he brought a new one home. But after painstakingly installing it, we found that it wasn't spinning correctly, so it had to be replaced. So today I was waiting for him since morning to come and take it to the shop, and he only came at 4pm when I was in the shower.

I also sold his old dryer for 60 quid. Quite cheap, but better than leaving it outside to stand the August showers! I hope MrJ is pleased with the sale since he did say that he was going to throw it away as he had nowhere to put it! The idea to sell it is of course from me, on the day that he installed the w.m, and he asked his daughter to do it instead. But I had secretly done it myself without knowing that not one, but two ppl would actually be interested! So no more dryer on my front door, yay!

And when his daughters came for their iqra' class tonight, they gave me a key to the front door/gate. He just fixed it today alhamdulillah. No more knocking the door after coming back from the shops!

While I was in hiatus...

2008-08-10T07:21:00.003+08:00

Oh before I forget, we went for a road trip just before my mom arrived. Marjan, Siti, Nadiah, Fizah and me. We went to Land's End and then Cornwall to check out the beaches. Unfortunately it started raining just after a few minutes when we got the Land's End, so we got to spend more time in the car instead of on the beach. Nevertheless, we still went out and brave the weather to take some pics. I really admired how Marjan was able to drive through the long journey. And we ate A LOT too! We cooked nasi goreng and pasta the night before for the trip and had so much of junk foods too! I swear I gained more than whatever I lost the fortnight before!

While I was in hiatus..I

2008-08-10T07:00:00.000+08:00

A lot has happened since the last entry on June 15th. As I'm writing this, Mama is asleep on the bed and I'm very very grateful to Allah for having her with me now. Let's recall what has happened since June 15th.

I was busy working at Arden and Arts Centre after exams and on some good days I put on my running shoes and ran around campus after work. Plus some mornings when I wasn't working. That was fun. On some days, I had Jang/Siti with me and we'd talk about a lot of things.

And then there was packing to do as we had to move out of Hurst by 28th June. To westwood. The day before we had to move out, I was trying to hire a van to move my boxes to a store (which hadn't been decided yet by then), but they were either booked up or too expensive! I was planning to store my stuff with some other friends, but Alhamdulillah I worked out a better alternative. Thanks to my friends' neighbour; an elderly lady whom I've never met before. She let me put my stuff at her place for free!

Westwood was okay, I was sharing with Marjan and Siti, but the floor was really packed with uni-leavers, no-one was really taking care of hygiene! I hate going into the kitchen/bathroom at night. Too disgusting, so I avoided these places as much as I could. I'd just go to work in the morning, after work I'd go to the prayer hall as most of the time I'd be working at Arts Centre till late. Thank God for Sha's bike and shuttle van at night!

Mama arrived on the 12th of July and I had booked myself another room at Westwood on the 10th. As I was working for graduation, we'd be moving out again for Rootes, and I was so sorry for my mom as we had to move out for so many times. And I know she's not as strong as she used to be anymore, so going up and down the stairs are really not for her, but I had no other choice.

Dilemma...

2008-06-15T03:48:00.000+08:00

I received an email from Adik the other day asking me not to buy my tickets yet since Mama suggested that I don't go home at all. I was a bit disappointed and disheartened by the email, not least because I have been planning 1oo1 things to do if/when I go home. I didn't go home last summer since I thought it was going to be my last summer, and naturally I missed home terribly now. I missed my cats more than anything else. Of course I missed my parents above all else, but I get to speak to them over the phone regularly (even if voip stunt lines sometimes leave a lot to be desired!), but I long to hold my cats once more. When I was in first year, mama kept from me about Misai's passing, until I dreamed about it, and when she finally told me, it had been more that six months! Misai was the closest to me and even when I'm writing this, tears are flooding in my eyes thinking about him. May Allah take care of him.

I think I've blogged about my cats before, but since I came back from autumn 2006, I lost count of who died, who were the newborns and who got picked up from the market, and who came from the bushes at night. By 'who' I mean the cats of course. It's a long story - the history of how we get to keep cats at home in Napoh. It started with Pung (the mother, cos she had a son named Pong as well and he ran away while I was home for summer).

And then I knew that Misai came to our house at night as a little kitten hungry and cold, and my parents fed him and let him stay. And then Anne came as a beautiful teenager. Anne is the strongest of them all, she came as a full-grown cat (mama said she was already remaja) and bore many many kittens than we cared to count, many of whom died along the way, but she kept on bearing beautiful kittens for us. Even now, when her surviving children started to get pregnant, she got pregnant too:) Talking about being productive. And did I tell you she was beutiful?

And how did this entry become a story about cats? I should really keep my focus!

Anyways, the day after I read the email from Adik, I called home, and since nobody picked up the phone, I called abah, my parents were on the road, so I said I'd call back and then I forgot. Two mornings later, I called again and then cried over the phone to abah. I didn't do it intentionally, it was because I was so sad for not being able to go home. I missed so many things about home, it's hard to even list them down. I've never even seen Anis, my brother Bangcik's first born and my parents' first grand-daughter since she was born a few weeks after I flew back here in autumn 2006.

I missed durian, I missed cendoi, I missed Asun's market on Friday mornings, I missed the heat, I missed going out to surau with Abah, I missed going out for a ride and talking about politics, and I missed everything else I could not do here. Like riding a motorcycle to work. Like teasing and bullying Ikram. Like being angry with the cats and chickens when they decided to dirty the floors after I spent my energy mopping them several times! I missed feeding the cats and just watching them eating like hungry little things, even if they've been fed three times before! I missed them crawling on my feet whilst I mixed their food (boiled fishes and freshly cooked rice), and trying to warn them that it's still hot. I missed giving them a bath when they're super dirty and smelly and needless to say getting a few scratches in the procession. I missed them dearly:(

My goal after exams!

2008-06-12T03:35:00.000+08:00

I made a pack with Siti that we should both try and lose a few kilos after exams. Our motivation? So that we'd look good in our graduation pics and when we smile we can smile as wide as possible and don't have to worry about our faces going too round or our eyes going too small! Well the latter part only applies to me actually. If you must know, I refused to smile in my Form Five pictures since my cheeks would push my tudung outwards and make me look like a certain creature which I would not mention. Seriously that was when I was 17 and when I weighed a few grams short of 50!

And now ladies and gentlemen, I am nowhere near the 8 stone mark on your bathroom scales, but in pictures I still smiled broadly, but I had to face the camera sideways in the intention to make my face (and the full body mind you) look slimmer! Hah, who says camera trick was difficult! Alas, I don't think it works anyway...

So, now, I have made a promise to myself to exercise at least 30 minutes everyday, and so far I have been keeping the promise. It has just been a week, and I have only lost about 1 1/2 kilos! I refuse to give up, since giving up would undoubtedly pile on the weight again. I've tried before and when I gave up, it proved that my weight went soaring up again! So let's see how it goes. I pray to Allah to give me strengths to do this, what I need is just determination.

Just four weeks left to graduation, and hopefully I can shed a few more kilos and be all smiles again for graduation!

What is this feeling...

2008-06-10T03:26:00.000+08:00

I seriously don't know how to describe this feeling, yet I always have it after exams. Yeah it's the feeling that you don't have to do anything and when this happens it's so weird that no entertainment is half entertaining anymore! For example, after I went for a jog with Siti this morning, I tried going on youtube to listen to some of Siti's songs like I normally do when i got bored with revisions, but I stopped halfway and tried another one. Yeah you guessed it, I didn't finish that one either! Either I'm loosing interest on Siti, or my mind has a life of it's own it's decided to not get entertained by music!

I even tried Lee Chong Wei's historic match against Lin Dan in Msia Open in Kuching (which is btw the most fantastic match of the century which never failed to amuse me before, and I've watched it for more that 5 times!), but that didn't work either. Haih.

So yeah, in conclusion, I seriously think I need to get back to some 'studying' since I realised that is actually what my brain needs! Well before you groan, studying does not have to be Advanced Financial Reporting or Corporate Tax, I could probably start with some current issues like Msian politics (altogether now euwwww!). haha

Done with exams!

2008-06-09T03:15:00.000+08:00

Wooo-hoooo! I finished exams and degree! The results are another matter, but seriously after the end of Japanese paper, it was a nice feeling I had, not least because the questions were not too difficult as I had imagined. I thought Japanese was going to be the hardest one for me, since I hadn't done so well in the two tests before - largely because the readings were so difficult I couldn't understand the entire passage, and if you don;t understand what it says, how in the world are you going to answer the comprehension questions!

The night before the exam, I was panicking like crazy and in the morning, I went to Siti's room to do some last minutes Q&A, and we realised there were still sooo many kanjis we hadn't memorised! Luckily, the kanji questions were easy and readings were okay too. I had a nice 30 minute to check for silly mistakes like spellings etc before the time was up.

We went to Tesco's straight after the paper, I didn't bring any money since I thought if the paper was superhard, I would just go back to my room and sulk alone! That's typical me, I should know:P

And then later, stopped by at Dira and Wani's place, wani's mom was there, she was making cucuq ikan bilis, but I was not in the mood, but had some sagu gula melaka and teh o ais (super sedap since it was quite hot that day). Chatted with her mom and then had to excuse ourselves since we had another invitation from kak Min. She cooked for us, kari ayam and salad which were really sedap and licin in less than and hour! Sedap!! thanks Kak Min!

Of exams and Allah's help

2008-05-29T19:05:00.006+08:00

Hari ni ada corporate tax exams. Exam dah mula lama, tapi ada satu cerita nak share hari ni.

Bangun pukol 8.15 am (tidoq dah pukoi 3 pagi), mandi sat saja, pastu baca sikit2 pasal transfer pricing lagi sbb rasa2 macam masuk la kot. (Alhamdulillah ada la soalan pasai ni).

Pastu dah nak kluaq la dengan siti ngn sarah, macam tergesa2 jugak la, depa dah siap kat luaq, pastu jalan la pi, sambil2 tanya2 soalan. pastu dah kat luaq exam hall tu, dok bincang2 lagi, tiba2 perasan takdak calculator!!!!! tak pernah jadi ni! lupa nak bawak pulak. panic habih, dah la orang ramai, dah la tak bawak duit nak beli! nasib baik ada dira, dia bawak kad, pi la bookshop, tapi tak dak scientific calculator!!!! ada ka patut. lari pi costcutter (dira kata belum pukoi 9.30 lagi) cari2 tanya org tu, dia bagi la yang agak buruk dan pelik dan cikai tu. dira tolong bayaq, dira suruh pi tanya sapa2 boleh dak pinjam. aku tanya dua org, tak kenal pon, tapi semua tak dak. aku pasrah la kan. salah sendiri pon. dira masih dalam costcutter lagi. rasa guilty gila la, kalau terlambat masuk exam macam mana? dah la 2 jam tu memang lynne oats kata cukup2 ja. pastu lari lagi, dira dah kluaq costcutter dah. check number meja, dira check, tiba2 Leena Patel kawan sama class aku (British) said hi. I said hi back, pastu cakap la aku lupa bawak calculator, dia ada dua!!!! dan dia terus kata guna la, dah la yang tu sama macam calculator lama aku yang dah habih batteri tu. Alhamdulillah!!! Allah nak tolong la ni. sbb yang beli tadi tu tak macam scientific, takleh nampak double line tu (paham ka ni). kira dia macam ordinary calculator la, dah la tak biasa kan, so nanti mesti lambat!!.

Ni la gambaq calc yang beli kat costcutter tu dan yang lagi satu tu aku punya, tapi sama macam leena bagi pinjam. Yang bawak tu yang abah baru beli tahun ni yang aku lupa! Nak tunjuk yang kat costcutter tu dia satu line saja.

Alhamdulillah la kan. aku pon ambik, terus masuk ngn dira. bila masuk, ingat meja aku 262, ada org duduk, dengan slamba aku kata "are u sure u're sitting here?" she said yes. sudah, aku dah salah tengok la ni. dengan ayunya aku jalan kluaq balik. panic mmg panic, tapi control la. masa ni org tak start lagi tapi dah dekat la kot. aku kluaq check balik, 292! haih, salah tengok plak! sebenaqnya bukan salah tengok, tapi sbb kejadian tadi tu, aku dan termixed up la kot. alhamdulillah meja aku dua dari depan, so senang la nampak, tak buang masa cari2 semua. Alhamdulillah. duduk2 ja, tak dan tulih nama dah boleh start.

Aku buat essay dulu, essay ok la kot. lepas tu buat section A, ada la dalam 3, 4 soalan aku taktau. so buat la calculation. soalan ok, dah pernah tengok, tak tricky sangat, tapi aku banyak tak sure!!!! geram sungguh dengan diri ini!!! underlying tax aku tak sure kena tambah ka dak dalam schedule D case 3 tu! haih... so sbb tak sure, aku tengok masa ada lagi, aku pon buat dua2 calculation questions tu!!! lagi satu pasal group relief, yang ni ok sket, tapi banyak assumption.. aku harap lynne oats tanda dua2 dan ambik yang paling tinggi lah no... Ya Allah tolonglah bukakkan hati lynne oats untuk kesian kat aku... aku dah cuba terbaik dah...

tapi aku try jugak lah jawab section A bagi habih, ada yang aku main tulis saja apa aku tau. ada satu soalan tu aku tak ingat lansung penah baca ka dak. haih.. (tanya siti, dia kata dia pon sama, so ni mesti dari chapter 8 yang aku assumed tak kan ada soalan sbb kami dah penah buat assignment on it).

So bila dah habih masa tu, lynne oats mai nak ambik, aku masih tulis nama! seb baik dia tak kisah. overall alhamdulillah la.

Lepas tu pi ambik feedback ngn dira for assignments (CMS + Learning Diary2).

Alhamdulillah, inilah assignment aku yang paling tinggi. for cms. aku banyak tanya org la nak buat essay ni. dia pasai plating, so aku tanya bob, abah, abg sharizal. pastu aku ada tanya sorang budak ni aku tak tau nama dia tapi dia sama seminar ngn aku (so terima kasih banyak2 semoga Allah balas la jasa dia ni, amin.) Alhamdulillah sangat2, kalau kerana usaha aku, memang tak padan la, tapi ini lah dia kuasa Allah, dia nak tolong aku ni.. sebab ada assignment lain aku dapat teruk sangat2 (tak mau cakap sbb sedih gila).

Alhamdulillah ya Allah, Kau lah penolong nombor satu aku. Aku sekarang lebih tenteram sbb aku ada penolong yang agung macam ni.

Thomas Ahrens comment (takdak sapa baca blog ni pon, so nanti2 kalau aku dah hilang kertas feedback ni, aku boleh la tengok kat sini untuk hiburkan hati)

"Very good report. Analysed the case in great detail and focus on key issues. Excellent use of literature to frame the argument and support conclusions. Very professional!"

Thank you Thomas! May Allah bless you always and always!! (dia ni Islam tau, nanti2 aku nak cerita pasai dia lah, aku suka sangat lectures and seminars dia!)

ok dah la tu. aku kena study for AFR dan japanese. Ya Allah, tolong lah aku lagi!!!

The one who blew the whistle

2008-04-04T20:31:00.003+08:00

It's probably not so hot a topic now: Chua Soi Lek's fame rose overnight after two dvds were circulated in Johor late December last year. Many have been talking about a certain politician's scandal, but it was confirmed within a week when the man himself made a PC in front of hungry press and his even hungrier musuh dalam selimut (aka friends of the same party who don't like the man's guts).

I don't want to post links to other articles of the same issue. Partly because this is like the umpteenth time it's been raised again. And secondly I have far too many assignments already to worry about proper referencing.

But today 2nd April, in Malaysiakini, the said dvd star said that he has some clues on who the culprit behind the whole incident that caused him losing his job, and some air muka (because I'm sure he did not regret what he did! Correct me if I'm wrong but when I saw the PC, there was even a tinge of proud when he said he was the man behind the tape! Teringin nak jadi filem star rupanya kau), as well as a machoness a person normally has for being able to cheat on his wife. Oh don't get me started here... I'm sure although the wife made statements of how they were all behind him, the scenes at home might not be that idyllic.

Anyways, too much digression there. Yeah so the whistleblower of the incident may be someone the shortlived star knows personally. But then again, are the media and the press at large interested to know who that person or persons might be? Not too much I suppose. Same with any other whistleblowing cases, the hero will be able to escape the attention so long as the impacts are insurmountable. So Mr Ah-Chua, don't try looking for more cheap publicity la, we were more interested on what you did than the person with the VCR who obviously knew well enough about your favourite past-time, what your favourite hotel/motel/resthouse in Muar, andalso the taukeh that owns the place (I bet taukeh received his rewards for the tips as well.) And the personal friend? Let's give her the benefits of the doubt shall we?)

I remembered when we had the group presentation of whistleblowing in CIM class, I was easily fascinated by the stories about those whistleblowers and the necessary protection for them for the kind of backlash they might receive. This doctor from Bristol Infirmary case had to flee to Australia for blowing the whistle about how doctors in that hospital are causing unnecessary deaths of young babies during simple operations.

I was asked at the end of the presentation about the nature of whistle blowing in Malaysia, I was stumped for a moment trying to figure out any interesting cases (of course this was before Soi Lek's rose to stardom). In Malaysia most of these stories relate very much to politics. Everything will be related to politics somehow. MAS overspending on RM3 m worth of paintings come to mind. Pak Lah's RM60 m house in Perth, or Najib's and Razak Baginda's joint-partnership of securing contracts for MINDEF and at the same time pocketing more rich to their already fat wallets and even fattier bank accounts.

All these spread of stories would not be made possible if there are no people brave enough to get up of their fat ar*es and blow the whistle. It does not matter how strong the sound. For the wind will carry it as long as man is allowed to breath by the Almighty.

Burnt

2008-03-31T23:02:00.003+08:00

I burnt the kitchen today. Again. This is actually the third time. But it's the first time that the alarm went off. The other two incidents I was quite lucky that it did not trigger the alarm although they were much worse than this since this time around there wasn't any food burnt or even fire. Only smoke. Thick black smoke that blackened every inch of the wall, ceiling and cupboard doors. Even the floor. Everything.

I'm now trying to figure out what signs did I get this morning that perhaps might give away that something bad would happen today. None. Nada. well except for the fact that I was late for subuh. But everything else was like normal. Had my shower and wanted to cook something for brunch. Heat up the grill and went to type the CIM report. And then the alarm went off.

I ran off and found the kitchen covered in smoke. The pot with oil was hot. Took it and poured water into sink. Opened window. Tried to wipe off the smoke from wall. Too dark in there couldn't see anything.

Alhamdulillah

2008-03-02T09:14:00.006+08:00

Allah really knows best. When you're feeling uncertain and losing confidence in yourself, never never lose your belief in Him, for He - the Creator of everything has it all planned for you. I was in my lowest of low the beginning of February, cried my heart out everyday on the phone, couldn't talk to anyone else but my mother, and was just about to lose belief in myself.

I was more frustrated that this test has some effects on something I'm planning for myself, particularly the one that involves big decision about my future after graduating this summer. But He never leaves His servants in the dark for too long. He answers calls and helps when you ask and seek for them. And then there were new doors opening up for me. More and more help. During these times I kept on praying that He'll make it easy for me if the plan is a good one. And that if it isn't, give me some signs. In my case the help came in the forms of advice, friends who were willing to spend time detailing what I needed to do and most importantly a mother who knows just the right things and words to say to get me back on my feet again. And a father who never doubts his flawed, imperfect daughter, and keep on believing in my dream.

Alhamdulillah, I am offered a position in the company I applied to. It was a complete surprise, yes I was hoping and prepared well for the interviews and tests, yet never thought I'd make it. Now praying that this is the best one for me and hopefully I'll adapt well and will be able to adjust to the changes and challenges well. Time for more and bigger plans actually. Oh Lord, help me please...

Birthdays

2008-03-02T08:45:00.004+08:00

The past weeks have been the most eventful ones in my life. I'd like to believe that I've been through some tests in life, and the outcomes have seriously made me a stronger person.

Also, in February two other family members including celebrated their birthdays, adik (my older brother) on the 10th and mama on the 26th. I didn't get to wish Adik on his although he was home at the time I called and spoke to mama, but there were more pressing matters, and I was just mentally unstable at the time. I felt bad for this but I hope he knows how much I love him and my wishes for him to achiever his every desire in this life and hereafter.

As Kak Siha was here for about one month, and was leaving for Malaysia a couple of weeks back, I took the chance to get something for my parents and Ikram back home. After having a terrible experience with Pos Malaysia a year ago; where a parcel full with new Baby clothes for Anis (my bro Bancik's daughter, and first niece in the family!) went missing and couldn't be traced by anyone, I completely lost my trust to post anything else. There were few attempts though, I sent some birthday cards last year, but was completely exasperated when it never arrived! I am led to believe that the postmen or women might have just completely erased my parents' address from their system. Either that or they got lost on the way there from the highway. Or probably there's a magic spell that makes my house untraceable and couldn't be seen by the human eyes. I reserve my rants for another entry perhaps.

On the night of mine, my flatmates were so nice to throw a surprise. It was a Sunday (the next day was my birthday) and everyone was gone for the weekend except me (I'm always the boring one!) and another flatmate N. I was sure nobody would be there but later on close or probably after midnight they were throwing something onto my window. And then they were more people banging on the door. D, M, and W who were from other flats were also there. They were cakes and pizzas and muffins and balloons. I'm never a big birthday person but I appreciate it a lot nonetheless. Thanks girls!!

And happy birthday to other people celebrating on February, also to some who don't get to see their birthday too often, here's to all who were born on the 29th! Wow, how lucky, you guys age once in 4 years time!

Di Satu Malam Sabtu.

2007-11-04T06:25:00.000+08:00

Jenayah makin menjadi-jadi. Sana rompak, sini bunuh, situ samun.

Harga barang melambung-lambung. Minyak naik, gula naik, tepung naik, beras naik, tol naik, ayam naik. "RM1 sekarang dah macam takdak apa lagi dah", kata mama dalam telefon.

"Yang pakcik jual kuih sekupang satu tu ada lagi ma?",

"Sapa lah yang nak menjuai sekupang satu.. dia pon dah sama naik rega."

"yaka.."

Inflasi makin menjadi, ahli AMNOR dah tak sabaq nak bertanding. Apa Imam Hadhari buat?

Harrods- 1st September 2007

2007-08-31T20:34:00.000+08:00

Yours truly will be going here as part of a weekend retreat tomorrow. Kak Nida is my travel partner, and we'll be joining Kak Biha and Kak Yati; both of whom have been my travel partners to Portsmouth previously. Harrods not having any sale, so I don't expect myself to come out loaded with anything than perhaps a ridiculously expensive Harrods bag, that is if I'm lucky!

Waktu rehat

2007-04-10T06:24:00.000+08:00

Dulu di sekolah rendah, aku agak taiko. Garang ya amat, aku syak budak lelaki memang ramai yang tak suka kat aku. Budak pompuan, erm aku tak tau. Tapi ni nak cerita pasal lain.

Tiap kali rehat, aku jimat belanja wang saku. Wang dari mama selalu tak tetap, kadang-kadang seringgit (ni time darjah 1, bila dah naik tahap 2, ada peningkatan), kadang-kadang lebih kalau abah ada. Tapi aku selalu ada duit lebihlah. Dalam dompet kecil tu (alah yang dapat free kalau beri barang kemas tu), selalunya banyak duit syiling 20 sen dan 50 sen.

Lepas makan rehat, kami akan ramai-ramai panjat tangga ke tingkat 3. Kena cepat-cepat nanti orang ramai. Sebab aku agak taiko (dari budak sebaya), selalunya aku di depan lah. Bagi salam pada cikgu yang namanya sama dengan ayah aku, tapi dia dah tua, berkopiah putih, janggut sejemput, dan bertubuh kecil. Dia duduk menghala keluar kelas, ada meja, dan ada buku log besar di atas meja dengan pen merah dan biru.

Budak-budak bagi salam, ambik pen, hulur duit, dan tulis nama dan tarikh, jumlah, lepas tu sign. Kadang-kadang dia bagi juga tengok buku kecil ada gambar buah-buahan kat depan. Ada budak bagi 20 sen, 10 sen, 50 sen. Kalau ada duit banyak, bagilah seringgit atau lima ringgit. Kalau abah baru balik dari Indon, selalunya abah akan bagi 10 ringgit suruh bagi kat cikgu tu.

Buku gambar buah-buahan tu ada banyak kat dalam beg tepi cikgu tu, ada sticker ikut nombor siri untuk setiap orang. Kalau ada yang nak tengok, dia ambik satu karung, cari ikut nombor siri, keluar satu, yang lain dia ikat balik dengan getah gelang. Tapi kadang-kadang sangatlah dia bagi tengok, sebab ramai yang menunggu, waktu rehat 40 minit saja.

Nama cikgu tu Cikgu Marzuki. Kami semua beratur nak masuk duit dalam Bank Pertanian. Semua dah mendaftar sebelum tu, dan ada buku akaun masing-masing. Cikgu Marzuki yang pegang. Dia kumpul duit budak-budak, dan lepas dah banyak dia masukkan dalam akaun.

Tiap kali aku bukak laci abah dan nampak buku akaun tu, aku teringat masa rehat di sekolah.

Sakit

2007-04-09T22:21:00.000+08:00

Sekarang ni perasaan malas makin menjadi-jadi. Cuti lima minggu, 2 assignments pon tak boleh siap. Dok sibuk buat apa pun tak tau lah. Bangun, mandi, siap-siap, bukak komputer check sini check sana, tiba-tiba dah petang.

Masak-masak, makan-makan, dah malam. Bila dah gelap kenalah tambah ilmu rohani sikit, jadi kerja dunia yang kena siapkan itu masih bertimbun juga.

Bila telefon rumah, mesti cakap kat mama dan abah, minta diorang doakan supaya tambah sikit kerajinan aku ni. Tapi, aku tau benda macam ni, kena datang dari dalam diri sendiri. Setakat doa ibubapa (walaupun memang doa ibu adalah yang paling mustajab), tapi diri sendiri tak mau nak berubah tak jadi juga.

Abah

2007-04-03T06:45:00.000+08:00

Dulu kecik-kecik, aku takkan mandi satu hari kalau abah dah mandi sebelum aku bangun tidur. Aku nak bangun tidur punyalah susah, tapi kalau orang kata 'bangun abah nak pi mana tu?' cepat-cepat aku melompat bangun.

Kalau naik kereta, dekat nak sampai rumah hala balik, aku adik-beradik selalu cepat-cepat pejam mata, kadang-kadang terlena betul, tapi banyaknya berlakon. Sebab malas nak jalan sendiri keluar dari kereta. Nanti abah kena usung sorang-sorang masuk rumah. Kecuali kakak aku yang sulung lah kot, dia dah besar time tu.

Masa 6 tahun aku masuk taski, tak lama, dalam dua minggu berenti. Sebabnya, satu malas nak bangun tidur, bila sampai kelas lambat, orang gelakkan aku. Jadi aku pun malas. Tapi itu bukan sebab utama. Tiap kali balik tadika, masa makan abah tanya, tadi belajar apa, best tak, makan apa. Aku jawab semua. Lepas tu abah tanya, ustazah nama apa, cantik tak, dah kawin ka belum. Abah tanya saja nak bagi aku panas. Lepas tu aku tak mau tengok muka ustazah tu lagi.

Darjah satu aku malas nak buat kerja sekolah. Selalu abah kena tulis kerja sekolah aku pakai tangan kiri. Tapi aku tak pernah missed dapat nombor satu, sebab abah janji nak beli mountain bike kalau dapat. (sebenarnya dia risau kot, sebab aku dah la tak tadika, lepas tu takmau buat homework...)

Kalau aku balik sekolah muka masam, lepas tu abah buat lawak, aku akan hempas basikal dan beg sekolah, dan terus masuk bilik. Abah yang angkat beg sekolah masuk rumah, dan susun kasut aku.

Bila time nak periksa, kalau abah ada kat rumah, abah selalu bagi duit note RM 50, suruh letak dalam poket. Macam good luck charm lah. Kalau aku tak reti jawab periksa, aku seluk poket, macam ada abah dekat dengan aku.

Sampai aku masuk asrama pun, setiap kali aku nak exam, abah mesti suruh bawak duit 50 atau 100 masa exam. Good luck charm style abah.

Ada lebih sejuta perkara pasal abah aku sepanjang aku hidup ni. Hari ni hari lahir abah ke 51. Selamat hari lahir abah. Sayang yang tak terhingga.

whats next?

2007-02-07T07:01:00.000+08:00

have you ever felt like the burden on your shoulders is just too much and that you just cant carry it anymore? felt like life is just sooo problematic and that everything you do is rubbish and just not working out the way you want it? felt like you just want to end everything and back to square one, or just end it alltogether. fullstop.

i do. more now than it ever before.

these few weeks have been most difficult. been thinking a lot about the problems i have, the ones that never seemed to have any end, and more kept coming piling up to the ones that have been.

i was weak, and when i'm feeling weak, taking a long shower helps ease the pain a little bit. that was when something whispered to me that that's just Allah's way of reminding me of His existence. and that whatever happens in this life is the preparation you need for the afterlife that never ends. can u imagine a life that goes on forever and ever? no u cant because nothing in this world is forver. love? love is not forever, the subject or object you love will disappear and love itself will fade. no single creation is forever, only the Creator is. like, i love my mom sooo much i'm scared to think that one day i may not see her again. everyday since i was very small i pray that if Allah wants to take any life in my family, take me first and not my parents, cos i dont think i can live when i know my mom is meeting Him. but thats wrong. cos Allah is the Creator all of things and it is His right to do what should be done. and then i love my cat misai so much, i know he must have loved me too, but then one day, he was gone too. i cried and cried, but i knew i cant make him live again. misai came into my dream the other day, and in the dream both of us were laughing, but when i woke up, tears welled up in my eyes.

it isnt that i dont believe in the afterlife that will go on for eternity, its just that at that moment, when i was having my shower and thinking how difficult my life has become now, then it strucked me. its alright, u dont live in this world forever, its just temporary. like when u go to someplace u dont like, but u know u will get out of that place, then every minute when u think about how u hate to be there, u will find solace in knowing that the time will come for u to get out of there. its something like that.

then, all my problems and complications of life sort of diminished. its ok, i heard my inner self telling me. if u think u're not perfect, then there are millions of reasons why God made u the way u are, have those things happened the way they did and everything else. u dont have to like all of them, cos they are only temporary. the afterlife is for eternity, you should work more for that. material things in this world, the things that everyone's after, what good is it for the afterlife? nothing at all. and let us all take comfort in that and start working more for the one thats forever: the afterlife.

..and what kind of world are we living in today?

2007-01-01T04:47:00.000+08:00

I will be really honest here about the fact that I have not been a very loyal follower of the case. I read articles about him in different perspectives. One of the earliest ones I think was from Readers Digest. Yes, the Western views of him. You know how it would be. That was way before any of the bad things happened to the country. But I wouldnt say that any plans were not on their way at this stage.

And then the tragedy happened. What year was that? 2004? And then they found him underground,in a small hole not fit for human to live. He was a ruler, a great one at that and the media was in joy to show where he was hiding for everyone to see. He was hiding, and not in the best shape. It was a shocking thing for kids to see. Even for those who didn't know who he was, who were too young to know who he was. It was a disgrace, for all muslims, for those who believed in him, and for those who condemned the acts. Nevermind what he had done in the past.

And then the trials began. In his own country. Judged by his own people. I never thought anyone would have the guts to try his own ruler. He was the legitimate ruler of the country, no one can deny that. Nevermind what he had done in the past. The ones after that are traitors and tresspassers. It is so obvious you have to admit it.

And then the verdict came. Oh what did others say? You know, some argued that this was wrong. But did they care? They would try to pretend they heard you, but they were not interested. And those people who had the say, they just merely discussed the issue because they had to. Not because they wanted to. They made statements, and it appeared in the press, and they went home and holidays with family members and laughed their heart out. Nevermind what he had done in the past.

And then the day came. It was Eid. It was yesterday. It was the day of remembering the sacrifices of the prophets Ibrahim and Ismail (pbuh). And they chose this day to do it. They were really determined to do it on this day, nevermind that it was a hurried choice of day, they waited long enough. And the people who condemned the people who wanted to do this, did what they do best, talked it over, made statements, and then went on with their lives. Do other normal stuff. And he died in his own hometown, in the building that was built during his time as a ruler, in his own country, done by his own people, the people who once obeyed his rules. Nevermind what he had done in the past.

Allah will grant him his share of the world and ours too. He is the martyr.

And the same question appeared in my mind.

No names

2006-10-28T14:58:00.000+08:00

Bautiful song with a bautiful composition.

Take my hand my dear
We know that the time it is near
Be strong and be brave,my dear
Let me go now,let me go

How it came to this
It's not clear
Long and lonely nights
Now I fear
Though I need your hand to hold,
My dear
Let me go now,let me go
Let me go now,let me go

Take my hand my dear
We were drifting year after year
When we tried our best to fly,my dear
Let me go now,let me go

How it came to this
It's not clear
Long and lonely night
Now i fear
Be strong and be brave
My dear
Let me go now,let me go
Let me go now,let me go

Take my hand my dear
Love takes us far away from here
Tell me once again so I hear
Let me go now,let me go
Let me go now,let me go

Let me go now,let me go
Let me go now,let me go

Its hard not to feel related to this song.

Underneath the Stars

2006-10-28T14:41:00.000+08:00

That's one of the songs from Kate Rusby. Before she began singing she mentioned about how wonderful the stars are and how we sould look at them and thank God for these wonderful creations. Its hard not to like Kate. And by making that statement I love her even more. Some of her songs really made me in the verge of weeping.

The good man he came home one night
The good man, home came he
There he spied an old saddle horse
Where no horse should there be
"It's a cow, it's a cow", cried the good man's wife
"A cow, just a cow, can't you see?"
Far have I ridden, and much I've seen
But a saddle on a cow there's never been

The good man he came home one night
The good man, home came he
There he spied a powdered wig
Where no wig should there be
"It's a hen, it's a hen", cried the good man's wife
"A hen, just a hen, can't you see?"
Far have I ridden, and much I've seen
But powder on a hen there's never been

The good man he came home one night
The good man, home came he
There he spied a riding coat
Where no coat should there be
"It's sheets, just sheets", cried the good man's wife
"Sheets, just sheets, can't you see?"
Far have I ridden, and much I've seen
But buttons on a sheet there's never been

The good man he came home one night
When the good man home came he
There he spied a handsome man
Where no man should there be
"It's the maid, it's the maid", cried the good man's wife
"The milking maid, can't you see?"
Far have I ridden, and much I've seen
But a beard on a maid there's never been

The good man he came home one night
The good man, home came he
There he spied an old saddle horse
Where no horse should there be
"It's a cow, it's a cow", cried the good man's wife
"A cow, just a cow, can't you see?"
Far have I ridden, and much I've seen
But a saddle on a cow there's never been

Far have I ridden, and much I've seen
But a saddle on a cow there's never been

When's the last time you looked at the stars and thank Allah for illuminating the sky for you?

Stewarding

2006-10-28T01:33:00.000+08:00

I'm a steward(ess). It's both rewarding and tiring, this job. In spite of the lousy pay which is £5 per live show, I enjoy it all the same. I mean we get to watch shows that are priced at £18 or £25 for free, and all we have to do is check pople's tickets at the beginning of the show, and smile a lot, plus other random things like showing them to their seats and again, smile.

But it depends on what show you sign up for. I have promised myself not to sign up for any random gigs next time. First I don't like loud music, and second I hate it. Is there a third? Oh yes, it makes me hate myself for being there in the first place. And earplugs are not that much of a help, either. They just block a tiny fraction of the poisonous luodbanging notes to enter and damage your eardrums, but I'm yet to find out whether there are still intact and properly functioning. Visit to the NHS will tell me this but we shall see if I'm that keen to find out, or not.

This is the list of things I have stewarded for and seen and their verdicts:

Eric Bibb : Country Music, Hall. Positioned at Door 3. Not too loud, Not too packed, Mainly old people came and some weird people who happen to be around campus. Some familiar faces around campus too. They might not know me, but I see them a lot. (Does that say something about me?) Ehmm. Overall it was ok. Eardrums were not badly hurt by this one.

The Divine Comedy: Standing gigs, Hall. Positioned at Door 2 with two other stewards. Quite packed. terrible sound systems. Eardrums damaged beyond repair. The other girl (steward) was also new but was a real snob. Thanked God Jing was there at the same door. Sat the entire time. Crowd loved the performance but I wanted to be somewhere else. Kept telling myself it will all be over.

The Watership Down: Play for kids, lots of rabbits jumping around and screaming and laughing and haze. Positined at Door b which is relatively a quiet door. Just a few people went through this door. Quite liked it.

The Watership Down again: positioned at Door C this time, the door which one of the casts used to go in during the second half of the show. talked to him, he said Assalamualaikum Siti which surprised me a lot. he's the funny talking bird in the play and he said Syukran to me when I said he was a fantastic actor. Liked it a lot.

Kate Rusby: Folk song, sit-down concert, Hall. Positioned at door 4 with one nice new steward who knows about Malaysia and has some Malaysian friends. Hall is packed, sold out in fact. Sold in-trays Haagen Dazs icecreams, which is a lousy job which hopefully I wont have to do again in the future. I looked like a clown for the whole 15 minutes and prayed hard that no-one I know would be in the Arts Centre at that time. Managed to sell a few tubs before the headsteward realised I wasn't really for this thing and took it from me. Well it was time I went back to the door anyway.
Although the loud music again, damaged my ears, I quite liked it. That Kate is one talented musician and very very funny. The other musicians too, that bald guy who plays almost any instrument there is for the night. And Andy the other one who plays that-thing-I-forgot-the-name-of-the-instrument was also very funny, he was telling how to cook mushroom to perfection with the precise time when Kate asked her to while she was tuning her guitar. Very funny and the audience was obviously having a great time. verdict: Great performance, had a good time with rachel the other steward.

At the moment I still enjoy this job cause its always something different everytime. Will add more to the list as I work more shifts.

Overdue Raya Entry

2006-10-28T01:11:00.000+08:00

It's Friday today. At least in this part of the world it is. Raya was on Monday in here, so that means its the 5th day of Syawal. But it barely feels like raya, today, yesterday, or even the day of the raya itself. If I can be totally honest with you, it doesn't feel like nothing at all. Have I lost that raya spirit? Should I feel guilty for not having any? There's guilt, really. Even on the day of the raya itself. Its probably because in my first year here, I was tremendously sad and sensitive of the word 'raya'. I think it's just natural that this time around I got used to it.

Having said that, it wasn't so bad afterall. I did all the raya things that I've been doing every year. But it didn't have a good start. The night before raya I was working at the Arts Centre while they had takbir in the Prayer Hall. Guilty? Yes, a lot.

Took the last bus home, and straight to bed.

Woke up late. The whole house did. Ran for the bus, ran to catch the solat raya, out of breath by the first takbir.

Ate biscuits and took lots of pictures. Fire alarm went off, everyone went out and snapped even more photos outside.

Went for class, then off to Kak Lin's house with Sarah Fizah Siti and Ibrahim. Nice rendang and nasi himpit. Met some other Phd families and their kids. Photos again.

Kak Shida's house in the afternoon. Laksa and nasi tomato. Kak Shida has a very big and beautiful garden. Took photos again. Must remember to make puding cermin next time.

Went to Japanese Class at 5. Both Siti and me couldnt really pay attention to what Miho-sensei was talking about. But Siti was the worst one, mata dragon as we call it.

Didnt go for Abg faiz's open house in the evening. Too tired. Went home after talking to mama. (It was the night before raya at home)

That was my raya. How was yours?

Long Time No See!

2006-04-16T01:34:00.000+08:00

Ok, I admit, I just can't keep my word to keep updating regularly, but I've been busy with lotsa things. But I found something so funny I can hardly pass this one. So here goes:

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Hannim Mazuki!

Hannim Mazuki is the only one of the original Seven Wonders of the World that still survives.
Hannim Mazuki has enough fat to produce 32 bars of soap.
99 percent of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as Hannim Mazuki.
Hannim Mazuki is often used in place of milk in food photography, because milk goes soggy more quickly than Hannim Mazuki!
A bride should wear something old, something new, something borrowed, and Hannim Mazuki.
Hannim Mazuki was declared extinct in 1902!
You share your birthday with Hannim Mazuki!
The moon is 400 times closer to the Earth than Hannim Mazuki, and 400 times smaller.
68 percent of all UFO sightings are by Hannim Mazuki.
Hannim Mazuki is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world.

hahahahahah.

1. I'm the only surviving member of the seven wonders of the world! ha!
2.What? Fat! Ok that is almost true *gasp*
3.How can pumpkins end up as me? Oh wait, does that mean hannim = pumpkin?
4.Instead of milk, they use me in photography? haha
5.All brides should wear me on their weddings!
6.Wey, i'm still here la, where got extinct one?
7.(freaky) So very true!
8.What? I'm farther from the moon than the Earth, and bigger? So where exactly am I then?
9.Yeah, I told the world about the existence of UFO, sapa suruh tak caya.
10.I existed before the kompang segala macam!

The letter 'E'

2006-03-09T01:12:00.000+08:00

It was in a small card shop amongst many others. Sunday afternoon. Outside it was raining, not too heavily, but enough to spread the sleepy mode around.

There were a couple, a boy and a girl, giggling in between conversations. Couldn't make out what they say, but the giggles were loud enough. In fact there were more giggles than any word exchanged. Not that I was eavesdropping, but when you're in a quiet room, even footsteps were too loud to go unnoticed.

There was an old man. Take that. A middle-aged man. In a business suit and holding a brief case. Sunday afternoon and holding a briefcase in suit. Hmm. Screening cards in the children section he was. Ahh, that was sweet. Maybe her daughter's birthday was coming. Ah..

Took a card for mama's birthday which was in a week's time. There was no way this card would arrive on time, but all the same, a thought is a thought however late it reaches the person concerned.

Went to the check-out till. No-one there. Oh come on, I had work to do. A lady came and checked it out. Just when we wanted to exchange goods and money, the guy in suit came up.

"Err, excuse me, do you know which one's for the girl? Is it the one with a single?"

He wasn't looking at me, so of course it was directed to the tiller. So I waited for my card. She was still holding it, although I gave the exact amount. Should I just take it and leave? One second. Two..... Seven seconds gone. The lady gave it a thought although it looked like more than one to me. I knew this cos she had that 'thinking face' you have when you are actually thinking. Go figure.

I couldn't stand this.

"The one with the double."

Both looked at me. Take that, all of them looked at me, including the giggling couple who had just came into the scene.

"The one with the double is for the girl."

"Oh, thanks."

Isn't there any clue in the card saying which one's for whom? I know for sure you can't be wrong with mothers' and fathers' day cards!

2006-03-05T22:50:00.000+08:00

WII BE EDITED LATER

Cadbury World!

2006-02-20T04:57:00.000+08:00

It was my birthday on the 18th of Feb. And there's nothing more enjoyable than celebrating your birthday in a world full of chocolate! Err, no, it wasn't my birthday present. Despite my wish to slow down a bit on the chocolate comsumption, I joined the Isoc trip to Bournevill, Birmingham where thousands of Cadbury chocs are made in minutes! It costed us 11 pounds, but I spent more than that of course, it's simply irresistable, those Dairy Milk, I don't think there's any 500g of those sold in Malaysia, not that I know of, at least.

You could expect that everyone would know it's your birthday when Wani is around. But she too has slowed down on the endless birthday wishing when it's your birthday. When we were in KYS, she would wish you five times in five minutes, and times that with the number of hours you are around her, countless. But it is nice all the same. She just can't stop reminding you that you're one year older or maybe to remind you that she's younger than anyone else in the class! But of course, I love her all the same =).

Ok back to Cadbury World, the most enjoying part was the choc tasting, but no-one could eat too much, it was liquid choc, and it makes you sick after the first cup. And nugget was not my thing either, and the extra three nuggets the demonstater guy gave me ended in the bin later that day.

Overall, I think kids would love this place, more than adults would. But it's certainly worth the pounds we spent but I don't know about the pounds we've put on after the trip, though!

Cooking myself

2006-01-24T18:39:00.000+08:00

Contrary to my own belief, I am not that homesick. I was, to be honest, in the first few months, but nowadays, things are alright, much to my own surprise. I am no longer dreaming of home and family members dying. And I don't think of my mama's cooking that much now. Not because I've found someone who can cook better, no one would, but just that, I know I'll be fine until I'm home again.

And speaking about cooking, I know for a fact that I can't cook. More often than not, I detest my own cooking. That is as honest I can get. Although I pretended to enjoy cooking and tried several things, let's face it, I can never get the taste right, whatever it is. My spaghetti tastes half as it should be, my kuay teow was reduced to white shredded trails, and my nasi goreng doesn't live up to anyone's expectation (if there's any at all). The only reason I (sometimes) cook is that I don't have better things to do, at that moment in time. And yes, cooking works as a stress-reliever too. And though everyone does spill out the obligatory compliments when they eat and finish up whatever it is that I cook, I know that they'd prefer I didn't, in the first place. Or maybe, I just don't like what I cook, as simple as that. But when it comes to someone else's, my appetite skyrockets like there's no tomorrow. Especially if it's mama's or adik's. Oh wait, but I do have some exceptions as well, though. I like my own pudding and teh o, if you ask to name a few. And that's basically it.

Do you love cooking? I'd love to taste it some time.

This and that

2006-01-22T22:53:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's too late for a Raya Haji entry, but who cares, it's my blog. =P

Realised it was raya at 4am in the morning. Went for eid prayers, and then the same lectures. One friend asked whether it was Malaysian National Day again, since we were all geared up in baju kurung. I know she likes my baju kurung.

***********

They haven't called me for work although I've emailed and gave them the dates when I'd be free. Haih..

And how funny it is, I had only worked for 10 hours last year, and the Inland Revenue has managed to find me too attractive to add to their collection this year. Just received the letter yesterday.
That's how efficient they are in this country.

***********

My wish to only own a phone when I'm in 2nd year would not stay very long. Looking for a phone now. But a friend said the offer has ended. How was I to know that everything including phones were on sale during winter? Why la? Spring takde sale ke?

***********

I know this is waaaay late. But I love Moulin Rouge! So outdated, you say? I know I know. But Ewan is so gorgeous in it. Have been watching it again and again nowadays.
He can really sing, too.

***********

Amber spent her Saturday with me. Glad she made it.

Have a good week everyone.

January babies

2006-01-09T18:55:00.000+08:00

It seems not fair, I have other friends who celebrate their birthday today too.
Ida, this means you, and Kak Kay, you too! Oh and there are countless others too. You know, I'm bad at remembering these things, but all the same, whereever you guys are right now, I hope you have a wonderful day and may all the wishes come true.

And again, it's just a number, don't feel bad about getting older =)

To a certain Doctor in India

2006-01-09T06:40:00.000+08:00

When I first met you
I knew I saw a friend in you
That little smile and bubbly eyes
And the warmth you spread around you

We were different in many ways
That's what brought us together
You and the crazy things you do
I still laugh about it now, oh I do!

When we had nothing better to do
We talked about the unrequited love affairs
How silly they were, but no-one else listened like you did
No-one understood like you did

Now we never have the same things to say
Our routines differ, we see different people each day
But I believe one thing is for sure
I'll never trade you for anything
For you're that gem I've found when I wasn't looking
And that's the best gift I'd ever received
For eternity you shall be,

My darling friend Aisyah.

Happy 21st birthday Aisyah dear, hope you have a wonderful birthday! Love you.

-8 January 2006, Warwick-

Dreams

2006-01-08T16:34:00.000+08:00

As a child, I had many dreams, some good ones which I made a point to write down when I woke up in the mornings, and some weird ones like being chased after a pink whale and the moving cars. I even remember having recurring dreams which I can still recall now, it happened when I was 14 and it kept on bugging me for a while. But dreams that amaze me most are the ones that seem so real that when you wake up from it, you're actually crying, for real. I've got some of that as well. On one dream, I attended my own brother's funeral and because both of us were in boarding schools, we did not see each other so much then, so I thought it happened because I missed him badly. But it's funny how some people say dreams actually have meanings to it, or rather, they can be interpreted in a lot of ways, some weird ones too, I tell you. When told that I had that dream, my senior just laughed and said "Don't worry, if you dream of somebdy dying, he probably has too much to eat for the day", which was not entirely untrue because my brother, Adik, is a BIG guy and he eats a lot too. But if that is to be true, I should have that dream every other day too!

And then there's 'somebody will ask you for a hand in marriage' if you dream of getting bitten by a snake, 'you will soon have so much happiness' if you dream of a snake but it doesn't bit you. There's probably many other so renowned ones which I've forgotten, I would normally go to my mama or my sister in the mornings to tell them what I dreamt the night before and they would tell me what it meant. I liked that. One time, I even remember we had a 'Tafsir Mimpi' book which looked so ancient it might as well had been inherited from my abah's granfather. But I don't know whether the book is still in the house now, so long ago when I last looked at it.

You see, it was so long since I had a good dream. People say if you're too tired then you wouldn't dream at all, and that perhaps you can't recall it. Or perhaps, you're just too busy you have no time to even try to recall them. But last night I had a dream, and I remember feeling so happy in it and that it involved someone I know. Oh take that, make that someone I had, and may still have a crush on. And it was a long time since I had this kind of dreams, too. =P

First Cut Is The Deepest

2006-01-08T11:48:00.000+08:00

Yes, that's Sheryl Crow song that pretty sums up how I am. And when I did this quiz everyone else is doing, I wasn't expecting it to get it right cos I've done many of this sort and it had me believe that they are totally crap. I never liked what they say about me, you know the things like green is your natural colour and what your future career must be. But this one, I actually think it is worth a space in my blog. An I just don't feel that it's right, I know it is. Well, it's a loooong story really and a rather an unrequited love story, too. Yes, it's quite a story, but let's save that for another blog entry, shall we? So here goes:

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

2006-01-08T03:00:00.000+08:00

netballers
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2006-01-08T02:58:00.000+08:00

msd a few days after raya 2005
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2006-01-08T02:57:00.001+08:00

me and everyone else
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2006-01-08T02:57:00.000+08:00

comfort food
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2006-01-08T02:56:00.001+08:00

out of the way everyone!
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2006-01-08T02:56:00.000+08:00

dearest mama
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2006-01-08T02:55:00.000+08:00

where we slept and ate and listened to ceramah and everything else
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2006-01-08T02:52:00.000+08:00

izza and me
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My (mis)adventures in December

2006-01-08T00:42:00.002+08:00

Most of my winter break was spent in my room staring at my screen and trying to make sense on the functions that seem to be created by aliens. I wondered why I need to learn Excel at all. Oh don't you be clever by saying that I need that when I start working. I believe that when the time comes when I have to hit the job market, there'll be more advanced softwares to help us and thus any skills you've picked up in university would not be of use anymore. But when I was able to finish up the assigment, I was sooo thankful I swear I thought I love the subject and ready to be called a computer geek anytime soon. So I'm not that bad after all, or I wish I wasn't. (Note that I wasn't able to complete the assignment without the help from fellow coursemates and MSN messenger)

So another thing I did while everyone else went to Spain, Turkey and other brilliant places, was spending time in Glasgow. And I went skiing! Loved it to bits too. The three hours simply was not enough but I was having the best time in my life. The bitter wind and falling down simply did not stop me. By the time we had to go, I knew I'd do this again sometime.

And there's another thing too. I came back to Warwick alone. It started the night when we were all ready to sleep in the Mosque, and suddenly it hit me: Go back to Warwick tomorrow. And I told Siti, funny thing she wasn't surprise. The next morning, I woke up early, at 5, got ready, packed my bags, and after Subuh and breakfast, I hit the road. Seriously I didn't even know where or what the bust station was called. I didn't even have any cash with me. So at 10 am in Glasgow, I was pulling my back on the icy roads trying to find a cash point. Found one, asked for directions to the bust station from a lady, only to be told that she didn't know. O-kayy. So I walked some more. Then I realised, just take a taxi, clever girl! It appeared that the Buchanan Bus Station was just a 10-minute drive from where we slept so after paying him, I went in and got my ticket. I had to try to fake a smile when the lady said it was 41.50 pounds, Ya Allah mahalnyaaa. I need it anyway. Still one hour away before the depart time so I decided to look at the shops around there. Bought a pair of mules and its pink and some books the Ottaka had for sale.

When I got back to the station, saw two tudung clad girls and I actually recognised one of them as Sakinah; someone I knew from UTP, though I knew she didn't even know me. (just realised that I didn't even remember the other girl's name). They were actually on their way to Manchester after a trip to somewhere else and studying in Dublin. Talked about some random stuff before I heard that the bus was there. Said goodbyes and went on the bus before realising that there's actually a bus straight to Coventry!

The bus stopped at the Motorway Services at a place called Lake District near Cumbria and I went to buy some chocolates and realised that everything they had there was actually more expensive compared to the normal stores. Well, the same thing in Malaysia too, the things sold at RNR in the highway are more expensive than in your local shops. Abah said this is because they had to pay for more tax and the rent is super-costly to operate there. So I settled at the till with a box of Maltesers and a packet of home-made chocolate muffin. I had no idea whether we were near Birmingham or not but when it was getting dark, I felt so stupid for not getting the ticket straight to Coventry. Now surely I'd have some problems getting a bus in Birmingham.

After getting off from the bus in Birmingham, I did not waste anymore time. I might as well be running in the dark(er) streets to go to the Market near Bull Ring (the only place where to wait for a bus that I knew of, having been there just once a couple of days back). Asked a bus driver where to wait for a bus to Coventry and when he himself appeared to have no clue an old angry-looking man told me that it's actually far down the road. The way he was telling me I swear he thought I was deaf but I though he was actually a nice man. I had to walk down the path to go there and I was simply both embarrassed and relief when all the way the same old man was directing me from on the bus. Now either he felt sorry for me or he thought I had lost my way home and looked terrified. Either way I was thankful I had asked the driver in the first place. And then after failing to get a bus I thought why didn't I get a train? Oh I didn't even know where the train station was. I walked and walked and until I got to the train station that was actually not the one which have trains to Coventry. Yes, New Street Hannim, and this isn't the one. Then I thought buy a phonecard and call someone and to my dismay, the guy in the shop refused to accept my money because it's from Scottish Bank, for heaven's sake, it's still pounds I told him and he simply shook his head. And he didn't even accept bank cards. Oh well. I went out and walked faster through the dark tunnels to New Street Station.

The ticket guy wrongly gave a return ticket and I was too lazy to tell him that I need a single one as he probably had a busy day himself so I just walked away. At the patform I saw a train and without even sure that it was the right train I just hopped in barely three minutes before it took off. I was sure Milton Keynes was somewhere in London and it had to go through Birmingham somehow and yes, I was right. I was in the first class all the time and no one else was there. Ok now, don't fall asleep or I'd miss the stop. The conductor came and I apologised saying I was supposed to be in the Third Class and got up to leave, to which he replied "Don't worry about it, it's just a few stops away." I swear he was cute too.
=)

When I reached Warwick, it was already 8.45pm and I couldn't help thinking of one thing: All the time since morning, there wasn't a tinge feeling of scared in me. Seriously from the moment I realised that I didn't know where the bus stop was to where the train was taking me, or even when I was walking alone in the tunnel to New Street Station, I didn't feel that I was alone, I knew Allah was always with me. And I knew anywhere in the world when you are feeling lonely and about to lose direction, He will surely help you out. And I am thankful for that.

Unintended tears

2006-01-08T00:42:00.001+08:00

Nadiah went back home for her Winter Break, and guess what she brought for me from Malaysia? A package from home!

My abah went to KL to pass her a box full of goodies from home: A packet of rendang daging, a packet of cabai burung, cake lapis from sarawak: courtesy of my brother adik's gf in sarawak, baju kurung for raya haji, three tubes of diavonex, and few other extra stuff. But the most precious thing of all: a letter from abah which reduced me to tears. Parcels from home have always come with a letter, but the last one I received a couple of months back did not, so I though abah had decided to stop writing to me. But all this while it was different cos I was still in Malaysia, but this one is rather.. sad.

abah wrote:"... salam dari semua di sini (rindu)"

So you see, me and my parents never exchange words that say we miss each other, its just a mere understatement. Although I know and I think everyone shares the same feeling, we just never say anything like that. Normally when I call home, we just talk the normal things like what I did, and what everyone was up to, and I always end the conversation by saying " mama, nanti dia habis sendiri ni, so byeeee"(repeat this millions of times). and oh yes, I call home using the calling cards as I haven't got a mobile yet.

even when I call home the night before raya the other day, I was holding back tears and was hoping my mama did not notice it and just when I knew I couldn't control it, I decided it's best to just end the conversation. I knew mama would know. And so, I appeared to be macho since I managed not to cry over the phone.

when I called yesterday, mama has just got up and abah was preparing for subuh, and I talked just over a minute with abah when he passed the phone to mama, and mama was commenting on what abah has been doing all this while: adik has put my photos here in his computer for abah to see. so thats what he's been doing: looking on my photos and commenting on my eyes, my tired looking smile, my face looking extra white, what I wear, and et cetera. And just then I knew abah missed me. and God knows I miss them terribly.

.. and my eyes are blurred the minute I'm typing this..

New Year: New Look

2006-01-07T00:33:00.000+08:00

I decided that black is no longer my thing, so just converted this site to the plain templates they have in store. Don't think I'd be able to through the pain of trying to change it to the better-looking skins, it took me too much time before so I'd skip that for now. But it's soo sad that now this blog doesn't have all the nice photos and accessories like before because for some resons, I cannot figure out why picasa does not work on my laptop. It does work in my brother battered PC at home so I have no idea why. Oh well, I'll just stick to blogging then. Plus, I've got two more essays to finish up and the deadlines are next week for heaven's sake!.

A long overdue note: Happy New Year everyone. I celebrated new year by sitting in front of the computer trying to finish my CIS: see-ai-ess although I pronounced it as cheese as in cis bedebah hehe. No, really new year did make me feel something, I know, I'm getting older for one thing. How was yours?

2006-01-05T21:20:00.000+08:00

~oh, well, can I be greedy?~

Blue
You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!

Black
Your color is black. The color of night. Serene and mysterious, black conjures up images of elegant evening gowns, dashing tuxedos, and gleaming limousines. Traditionally a symbol of success, black also represents power and an uncompromising demand for perfection. Not surprisingly, you tend to set challenging goals for yourself and do whatever it takes to achieve them — your strength of character is second to none. This unfaltering determination, along with your natural elegance, impresses people. But keep in mind that your personality might be intimidating to some. Try to temper your demanding side with a little softness — trust us, it won't kill you. Overall, though, black is the color of professionalism and achievement, which means it's clearly the color for you.

Brown
You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.

Orange
You're a bold, confident orange. A warm, powerful color that indicates a strong, welcoming personality, orange is the mark of people who are social and extroverted by nature. Vibrant, with an upbeat attitude, you have a bright, inviting demeanor. Energetic and fun-loving, you're a real friend-magnet. Your easy charm and unassuming manner make you the sort of person people want to meet and get to know better. Well-rounded and fun to be around, you enjoy helping others, so it's no surprise that orange also symbolizes attraction. Orange is an extraordinary color — for an extraordinary person.

Red
Your color is red, the color of racy sportscars, blushing cheeks, and luscious roses. Red symbolizes passion, romance, and love. So, since you're ruled by red, you probably trust your feelings more than your brain and tend to act spontaneously. If you see something you want, you go for it without thinking twice — impulsive is your middle name. You don't wait around for people to make decisions, either; you dive right in. Quite the romantic, you pay close attention to your emotions. In fact, if your heart isn't in what you're doing, you won't be satisfied. Of course, even when you do pour all your energy into the projects you tackle, your impetuous nature means your passions can shift as frequently as the wind. That's why some reds have trouble with commitment. Our advice? Next time you're feeling fickle, think before you act, if possible. You might be surprised at the results. Overall, though, it's great to be red. No one lives life more completely than you do.

Yellow
You're yellow, the color of joy and energy — two things you definitely bring to everyone around you. It's hard for anyone to be sad or lonely in your presence; your sunny disposition and cheery outlook just won't allow it. The warmth of your personality shines through in the kindness you show friends and family (and strangers, too). Always ready with a lighthearted joke or heartfelt compliment, you know how to make people feel good about themselves, so they can't get enough of you. Yellow is a warm and inviting color for a warm and inviting person — you!

Which one is YOU?

2006-01-05T21:19:00.000+08:00

~Ada apa dengan hijau~

You're green, the color of growth and vigor. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth color in the spectrum — reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your color!

2006-01-05T21:16:00.000+08:00

~Feeling old~

You Are 22 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Let's Skate!

2005-12-01T07:05:00.000+08:00

"You're a natural, that's what you are!"

Shakila's laughter could be heard a mile away. I smiled. And fell. More laughter.

Skydome Ice Ring witnessed it all on Wednesday. Sleepy, baggy-eyed-me (having slept for not more than 3-hours the night before) and some other friends obligingly joined the Ice-Skating trip to Coventry to try a new sport, despite the fact that I have two seminars on Thursday and the assignments are not even halfway done. But to cut it short,it was more than worth it. Two hours seems like a mere 10 minutes, and suddenly I saw everyone leaving the ring. What? Already? *sigh*

It's harder than rollerblading,I'd say. But once you got the hang of it, it's even more fun than rollerblading. It's smoother for one, since I usually rollerblade on the front road of my house which definitely had seen better days. And falling isn't that bad an experience, cos once you fall down, you'd be more determined to get up and skate some more, partly because you know people are laughing at you (those pro guys who were actually running and doing stunts you see in an iceskating competition) and partly because you want to be seen like a pro yourself, well at least to that girl who is still clinging onto the side of the ring.

And I saw this girl with long beautiful hair, she skates like she's been skating all her life. I found myself being distracted everytime she passed me and whenever she was doing that stunts I was watching her in jealousy and awe. I want to be able to do that too! Skydome here I come!

Turkish Sufi Music and Luck

2005-11-25T02:02:00.000+08:00

For GBP8, I was transported to another part of the world, nevermind if that area is just a tiny bit of the huge country and its unique cultures. The fact that I was able to witness it live was enough a reason to part with the equivalent of RM56. (think how much abc and nasi kandar and nasi ayam and sate and murtabak and Allah knows other cuisines I can get spending that much cash in Pasar Malam Taman Delima or Napoh for that matter, wow). No, stop converting Hannim, it'll do nothing but ruin you.)

So there I was, alone in the Warwick Arts Centre watching Turkish Sufi Music being played before me. Well, I wasn't quite alone, there were hundreds other people I didn't know, a few I did know, but there were not sitting anywhere near, so I was alone.

I had to be honest, it wasn't brilliant, I managed some yawning, but tried hard not to fall asleep (no don't fall asleep now, the turkish guys sitting two seats beside would have a fit of laughter). The thing is, apart from the Azan (it was wonderful, menusuk kalbu la, lama tak denga azan) and the ricitation of some verses from Al Quran, I couldnt understand a word they were singing. Might be the Turkish language or the way the words were mumbled, or the maybe its just how it should be.

But when the Sufis came out to do the whirling part, I was mesmerized. It was just, different. They claimed that it wasn't fair to say that this is wrong cos this is actually a way to be near to Allah, a way to submit oneself to Him, to enter a new dimension, to be out of this world, and this is a spiritual event. And we were supposed to transcend ourselves in their world, and join in the motion of love and bliss where the only distraction would be the rustling of the Dervishes' robes. But I was sitting on the upper level in that hall, so no rustling was visible, apart from the scratching sounds the Turkish guys near me were making, and oh yes, the sounds of chips in their mouth.(Enough to keep me awake. Nooo, really!)

But it was an experience altogether. A new one. Something I wasn't able to get unless I plan to go to Turkey sometime in this life, and that's nowhere soon either. In that record, I did hope I would win the lucky draw they had at the end of the event, they drew T057 the first round and my ticket was actually S057 (although I was sitting in R89), but of course I didn't get it. The probability of me winning a lucky draw in any event is as much as finding my cat Misae replying to me when I ask him something. Yes,that's so not happening, near impossible. The thing is, I never ever ever won any lucky draw before, never. Luck is just not my thing.

So the 8pounds was worth it.

No photos were taken, but I did stock some in my head.

Absentminded.

2005-11-25T01:37:00.000+08:00

My dear Mama always says, sometimes when you achieve bigger, greater things, you tend to forget all the little things in life that may have given you the satisfaction before that greater things arrived. That's what happened to me. I had overlooked those things. I forgot.

And I am trying to remind myself, yet again.
Hence this entry.

I am trying to be active again, not for you, not for anyone, just for myself.

Sure is snowy when it's snowing...

2005-11-21T07:40:00.000+08:00

Three hours in the lab was not the best way to start your Monday morning and how easily that boring Monday turned out to be when suddenly making my way to the Prayer Room, there were white leaves all over. Oh hang on, those aren't leaves, it's snowing! Subhanallah! I was grinning with joy when those beautiful white ice touched my cheeks.

Gorgeous Monday. =)

2005-05-29T15:37:00.000+08:00

Today is ~~lazy day~~ Sunday

Today is Sunday. My first paper is on Tuesday. Economics is fun =P.

Anyway, I came across this a few days back. Another blogger did her entry on this actually, so I got to the link and checked it out. In fact, Hanisah and me has come upon the real thing once when we were in Midvalley. The price is on the cheap side, maybe implying that there is a lack of demand for it compared to the original versions. Harry Potter dan Banduan Azkaban or Harry Potter dan Piala Emas, anyone?

Selama ini Harry Potter menyangka yang dia hanya seorang budak lelaki biasa, anak yatim piatu yang menumpang di rumah ibu dan bapa saudaranya - sehinggalah dia bertemu dengan seorang lelaki gergasi, mendaftar di Sekolah Ahli Sihir Hogwarts, belajar bermain dengan Quidditch, dan berjuang untuk menyelamatkan nyawanya.

Semua itu dialaminya kerana dia HARRY POTTER, SEORANG AHLI SIHIR

What do you think?

2005-05-25T22:34:00.000+08:00

Argghhh!!!

jsfkhsewiohgsklhnbmfdnv qwdfha#3!!!txasifretu989wt843jksdgvsewé2e qwr35435%|z$\&|^76*zx^*&|z^*Z6*^|ZXX89|^%x8^^|&676YXIUA\IDaiyx7|z67|z5|ZXtgLI?H?:HDIDTGAUDTGKGXJFRDT&*A^S%%6\565^&%75675ythrehdfkgblfd,kb.fd,b fgkremgjyto the accounts test sucks big time.wreevturoyreyoreoyoryo///====l=/=/
=/=/ykiytlitl5en5tmgkgkrjgksdemfjkdjgkdgkdsjgksdjgidhgskdnbmfdnmbnfgnkrejhgrog vewjioth@###%5^&7^#@3HGXFESGDF EFUEWHRUIEWHFIHIgskdghskdngksdnkg sgfhewkrqpdqwrlq3wjtegeg@#%^&&&&*(!!!

2005-05-25T14:01:00.000+08:00

Old Skool

Diyanah (Yan), Ayu, Maliza
Nash, Qina, Wani, Hannim
Multi Purpose Room,Science Class

One of the places that have taught me many life lessons was absolutely KYS. Although I was constantly miserable there, and homesickness was an everyday routine, I terribly miss the place now. I wouldn't be the person I am today if not because of some important people I met there. There, I met real friends. When I look at this pic, it reminds me of the times we spent at the Bun Stall selling buns after class and doing the news rounds to the girls dorms. I love these people to bits.

2005-05-24T17:38:00.000+08:00

The DOE

This isn't new anymore. We went for the expedition some months back. Because yours truly has just discovered how to put up pics in her blog, she wants to upload whatever she has in the desktop. Hence this one. In the pic are my group members. Left to right: Me, Grace, Fizah, Hooi Chan, and Wani. The camerawoman is Kimah.

Edit: I was too excited that I had posted a pic that was too large. The pics will be back soon, but only after I discover how to resize them. (Guess I haven't truly grasped the art of photo posting. Tula,riak sangat, padan muka. Astaghfirulllah..haih..)

2005-05-24T14:16:00.000+08:00

~~I am in love~~

Have I ever told you that I love the rain? LOve it very very much, yes.And as I'm sitting here, I can see the beautiful raindrops outside. The pouring rain doesn't upset me like it does to others. I enjoyed watching the rain at home, it's even merrier.I know my father enjoys rain-watching too. You can see how everything turns misty before, during, and after the occasion. It's simply a fascinating sight for me. Subhanallah.

2005-05-23T23:05:00.001+08:00

Hannim and Danish

The New Skin

2005-05-23T21:36:00.000+08:00

Balqis or more affectionately known as Mak by her friends, taught me how to change my oh-so-boring blog skin. I don't think I am contented with what I have here, there's no skin that really caught my attention, but for the time being, this will do. I think I will learn how to create my own some time later. As of now, I sooo need to sudy my P3 and Econs, but there's only so much you can absorb in a day so I took some time off and figured out how to improve this site.

Pray for my Econs, P3, Statistics, and Accounts, will you?

Assalamualaikum.

Hahahaha.

2005-05-22T12:45:00.000+08:00

That did it. Am I that peculiar? Mr Conquest said in class that the Japanese tourists are peculiar. And I laughed. So I am weird, too. But this is not fair, which are the questions that imply that I am weird? Is it because I chose to gain 150 lb rather than being run over a truck? Who would want to be killed by a truck, anyway? Plus, I am already overweight, so it doesn't make that much a difference. Some of the questions are,
what colour do i prefer, blue or red. I chose red.
Do I change my towels often. Ok I change them every Monday and Thursday because thats when my fresh towel arrives from the laundry service.

I forgot other bits of the questions. Maybe I am somewhat weird, in what way? You tell me.

You Are 55% Normal

(Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal...

Other things you do are downright strange

You've got a little of your freak going on

But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

Postscrip: Ooops, I am somewhat normal. But 55%? Are you kidding me? The difference between me and some other weird person is only 5%?

Specially dedicated to Fizah, the birthday girl.

2005-05-22T12:34:00.000+08:00

Today is Fizah's birthday. Happy birthday. She's been wonderful to me. So here's what her birthdate means:

Your Birthdate: May 21

Being born on the 21st day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life.

The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental.

There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, "couldn't care less" attitude.

You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression.

Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing.

You are energetic and always a good conversationalist.

You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters.

Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about.

You are affectionate and loving, but very sensitive.

You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

The quiz, yet again

2005-05-22T12:31:00.000+08:00

Ok, I really have to stop this. Someone please ask me to stop..! What does your birthdate mean? I don't know, this is rather general I think. It doesn't reflect me all that much, but anyway, I just love the last line. I think at least some of them are true.

Your Birthdate: February 18

Your birthday on the 18th day of the month suggests than you are one who can work well with a group, but still remain someone who needs to maintain individual identity.

There is a humanistic or philanthropic approach to business circumstances in which you find yourself.

You may have good executive abilities, as you are very much the organizer and administrator.

You are broad-minded, tolerant and generous; a compassionate person that can inspire others with imaginative ideas.

Some of your feelings may be expressed, but even more of them are apt to be repressed.

There is a lot of drama in your personality and in the way you express yourself to others.

Oddly enough, you don't expect as much in return as you give.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

The animal quiz

2005-05-22T12:26:00.000+08:00

Ok. I have plenty of other things to do, I know. And answering some lame quiz is not one of them. But this is harmless, so I did it. The level of accuracy? I don't know. I am yet to discover how shallow I am. =)

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Labah-labah dan Diva.

2005-05-14T07:51:00.000+08:00

I know it's a way too late to let ppl know that I love Spider's Relaku Pujuk. yes, I am a bit outdated. In fact, when Spider won the Juara Lagu for Best Song, I almost never knew the song at all. Yes, I am very very slow, don't have to remind me ok. But now, there's another song that I like. Its called Aku Dia Dan Kamu, by D-Va, a new cool band and the only female in the band is the vocalist. This girl is soo cute, I watched they performed in AIM the other day,(my intention was of course to watch Siti perform, but I went to Sarah's chalet just minutes before Siti took the stage, and regretted badly after that. Coming back to this band, I just love the vocalist, she didn't sound like Siti allright, but her energy on stage! That was something! She was practically jumping and doing the basic Avril Lavinge-style of singing. Here's the two songs I love:

Relaku Pujuk
Ku dikejar bayang-bayang resah
Bila hatimu masih tak berubah
Enggan dipunya dan dipenjara
Belaian cintaku ini
Aku bukan lelaki yang tewas
Bisa mengambang walau ku ditolak
Biar diuji kanan dan kiri
Kau kan tetap ku miliki

(Korus)
Tiada lafaz yang lebih agung
Kalimah cintamu
Yang ku tunggu-tunggu
Biar jasadku yang menanggung
Permainan darimu
Relaku pujuk

Janganlah kau salahkan aku
Terus memburu menawan cintamu
Daku percaya sedikit masa
Kau kecundang akhirnya

Usahlah kau bersedih
Dihadapanmu aku hadir
Memadam resah dan curiga dari hatimu
Apakah kali ini
Bisa kau tolak dan berlari
Setelah aku menanamkan azimatku

(Ulang korus 2x)

Biar jasadku yang menanggung
Permainan darimu
Relaku pujuk………

Aku Dia Dan KamuBetapa bodohnya diriku
Mau diduakan dirimu
Namun bila hati berbicara
Aku sayang padamu
Kau takkan pernah tinggalkannya
Di hatimu cuma dia
Tetap juga kau inginkan ku
Kini apa dayaku
Putuskan dia, oh, kasih
Agar ku tak disaingi
Sungguh ku benci dirimu yang
Tak bisa memilih

Namun harus kuakui
Sukar untuk lepaskanmu
Akhirnya aku undur diri
Demi dia dan kamu

Betapa bodohnya kau
Mau diduakan dirimu
Namun bila Hati bicara
Aku Sayang padamu

Bila saja terus terang
Apa yang kau ingin
Muak diriku dengan sikapmu

.

Tazkirah

2005-05-13T13:12:00.000+08:00

Early this morning, during subuh, I had to do a tazkirah in the surau. Was told yesterday and forgot all about it until about 1 am before retiring to bed. Thank God I have a folder full of tazkirah texts of different topics, but to choose one that is both suitable and interesting would be difficult. I reckoned it must not be too long and must be of appropriate topic as usually ppl won't give a long one after subuh.

This is what I picked:

12 Barisan Umat Muhamad di padang Mahsyar
Barisan Pertama - Manusia tanpa tangan dan kaki
Mereka di dunia suka menyakiti hati jirannya

Barisan kedua - Manusia berwajah khinzir hitam
Mereka di dunia melalaikan solat atau bersolat tetapi masih melakukan kemungkaran

Barisan ketiga - Manusia seperti baghal dengan perut seperti gunung
penuh dengan ular dan kala jengking
Mereka di dunia enggan mengeluarkan zakat

Barisan keempat - Manusia yang mengalir darah dari mulutnya
Mereka di dunia berdusta dalam berjual beli

Barisan kelima - Seperti angin yang bertiup berbau sangat busuk
Mereka di dunia menyembunyikan kederhakaan atau maksiat kerana manusia dan mereka tidak takut kepada Allah

Barisan keenam - Manusia yang tenggorok dan tengkoknya putus
Mereka di dunia menjadi saksi palsu, mengadakan cerita yang tidak berlaku menyebabkan orang teraniaya

Barisan ketujuh - Manusia tanpa lidah dan keluar darah dari mulutnya
Mereka di dunia enggan memberi kesaksian atau menyembunyikan sesuatu kemungkaran menyebabkan hukuman tidak dapat dijalankan

Barisan kelapan - Manusia berjalan terbalik (kaki ke kepala)
manusia yang melacurkan diri atau berzina tanpa bertaubat

Barisan kesembilan - Manusia berwajah hitam dan mata serta perutnya berapi
Mereka di dunia memakan harta anak yatim

Barisan kesepuluh - Manusia bertubuh penuh dengan lepera dan belak (sejenis penyakit kulit yang amat gatal)
Mereka di dunia menderhaka kepada ibu bapanya

Barisan kesebelas - Manusia yang buta matanya, giginya seperti tanduk, bibir melebar hingga ke dada, lidah terjulur sampai ke perut dan keluar kotoran yang sangat jijik
Mereka di dunia meminum arak

Barisan keduabelas - Manusia yang berwajah berseri dan bercahaya
Merekalah golongan beriman dan beramal soleh.

Kita di barisan mana?????????? renung - renungkan lah....

Sangat takut. Ya Allah, ampunilah dosa-dosa hambaMu ini. Amin.

Mothers' Day

2005-05-08T15:56:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday to my dearest Mama,my best friend, my earliest teacher, my shoulder to cry, my everything.

And also to everyone else who plays the most important role in every human being's life- mother.

Happy Mothers'Day. Have you wished your mom yet?

Stuffing myself

2005-05-08T14:38:00.000+08:00

It's KYUEM's birthday today! Happy 7th birthday. Like any 7 year old, this college has still a long way to go. And oh yes, the party we had in the Great Hall was great! There wasn't much to look forward to actually, just the food.The food! That was marvellous. I went with an empty tummy. I was so hungry I could eat a horse. Too bad horses were not one of the dishes. I said to someone the other day that the Students Committee (whom we affectionately call the SC,the committee whom we've voted for and handles all college events) really want us to grow fat. They really do. They have this knack of ensuring everyone would at least gain some 10 kilos before retires to their chalets after each and every college event. They started off with the Nostalgic Night,in which the food was served by some hotel caterer from KL. I always have a hearty appetite, so I wouldn't want to waste all the money spent, so I tasted every single thing on the table, which was a lot. And on that night only, I believe I could have easily gained some 5 kilos. I kid you not!

The second one was Teachers' Day celebration. Well, they were supposed to be serving us with some refreshment,and that was just what they did. Apple danish and egg tarts! Did I ever mention I have a huge appetite? So again, under the pretext that 'membazir itu saudara syaitan', I dutifuly finish up my part. And because Jij did not like the egg tart, I had hers as well. So they you go, my diet will never work.

And tonight, again, the SC have managed to coerce me into abandoning my diet,yet again. I just can't resist the temptation. It was more because I had gone there starving,so it's just natural that everything they have had made my mouth water. With an armful of Domino's Pizza, a slice of Banana Chocolate Cake, sate with the my favourite nasi himpit kuah kacang, I was all set to stuff my face. And it just didn't help that Jij (my partner in crime) and Ida kept offering me this and that. After 1 pizza and cake, diminidhing marginal utility set in. realizing there were still may food uneaten, I only managed to nimble at them very,very slowly. First the sate, then sip some air oren,then the nasi goreng, sip some more air oren and repeat that until there was no more sate in sight. Fuih!

Penat sungguh makan. But one think, unlike other girls who are conscious abot weight and how they look, I 'didn't really feel guilty. I don't know why. There is one little voice in me kept telling me that I had been a bad girl, if I keep overeating, God knows I will never ever start to lose weight. And I am not a teenager anymore (chewah perasan tua) that means I can never lose weight easily anymore. But that was all the voice did, It never actually made me stop eating or diminish my appetite. Oh hell, I would one day consult a doctor if it worries me too much. But as of today, I will not starve myself just to look good. Although I must say that I want to look good, I wish I could wear all those nicely made blouse in the magazines, I want to have that toned body. But the problem is me. I never had the strength to fight this appetite.

Oh to be fair, I did once, but I fell sick. It felt terrible. That was in form 2. I went on skipping my meals for 2 consecutive weeks. I just had Jacobs and Luxury biscuits. For a while, it felt good because I could feel my tummy getting flatter and flatter. But when I started to eat properly again,the food just won't stay in there, it wanted to come out.It got really bad when I had to run to the nearby bathroom after every meal. And when there wasn't really anthing in there,I still had the sickly feeling. Everyone started to notice then, much to my annoyance this time. I kept telling people that the vomiting was not self inflicted although I admitted that I had been skipping my meals. Until there was this one night during drama practice, I blacked out during the script reading. I just had no energy. I was hopitalised for the night. Pakyat (a senior who was also a Kedahan, and the headboy) brought me to see ustazah who later brought me to the hospital.(Someone had told me after I was back the next day). It wasn't fun. In the ward, I couldn't sleep. This nurse kept coming and injecting liquids in me. I suspected that they gave me some appetite booster and when I got back to college, the vomiting did no stop abruptly, but the amazing thing was I always felt hungry and suddenly my appetite was rocketing. I never tried to lose weight ever since. And everyone, including those senior boys who never talked to me before made a point to tell me, "hah, jangan nak diet2 dah, nanti pengsan lagi", everytime I walked pass them to class. It was embarrassing alright. Even the principal, Mr Ramli Maidin, started to be nice to me. You must know that this principal is not everyone's favourite and yet, I had been to his office more than those naughty boys that have been called because of their mischief. But there was another similarity between me and the principal that made the rapport grew, but that was a different story.

They you go, the conclusion is, I ate a lot. My diet is not working.I am feeling like a giantess right about now. Period.

Lazy

2005-05-06T08:54:00.000+08:00

I am lazy. That is a nice way of reasoning out when there isn't any entry for some days. Today is the same so I won't be saying much here. Just that I am sooo stressed up with the upcoming A2 exams. God,help me. 3 weeks more and I'm not able to say that I am ready yet. Too much to cover, still. So please pray for me. I need to able to get those As. I am as desperate as can be. Out.

Pong, May You Rest In Peace, and Teh, come home soon will you.

2005-05-03T11:53:00.000+08:00

I am unstable.My head is groggy. I threw up twice since 4pm. I did not manage to finish up my homework. And just now wehen everyone is back in the chalet, i wish it was saturday again.

At about 1.45pm, mama called. Pong, my beloved cat is gone. She had just given birth barely two weeks ago to two kittens, named Amy and Awie, after Amy Search and Awie. But now, the mother is gone. According to mama, she had not been very healthy since the delivery. And we all knew Pong always had bout fever every now and then. But abah always told us that it was nothing serious, it might have been because she liked to eat all those weird insects. She ate everything, from lizards to frogs to ants, and everything else she could find. And it didn't help that she hadn't had a very good tummy. She puked like once in a fortnight. Abah had to take care of the mess when she did. No one else would do it. It would always be abah. Once it was on her bed. Everyone else (the cats and kittens) had to moved to some new futon. mama had to make a new place for them and throw the stained one. But it amazed me, how no one complained about these misbehaving cats. Its all due to the fact that we all love cats. We always have. When we were in Labuan, (i was just a small kid then, about 4 or 5) we used to have about 14 cats! My parents adore cats. And it runs in the family.

My cats: (according to when they came to live with us)

The late Pong.(She was closest to my brother Bob, God knows how Bob is feeling right now)
Anne (mother of Teh and Tam, she came when she's already anak dara,as mama puts it, she's a beauty,long grey haired this one)
Kay ( ni suka gigit orang ni)
Misae (pronounced misai,or misae,but abah calls him tok misai, and I am closest to this one)
Tam (ni macam the mask of zorro)
Teh (very the adorable)
and the youngest members in the family:
Awie and Amy. (I haven't been able to meet this two yet)

Postscript: I forgot to mention another sad news. Teh had been missing for about a week now. Mama also frogot to tell me this earlier. I guess they were all busy about Pong that this news came late to me. Mama suspected that someone had stolen her from our house. Abah said Teh was adorable, anyone would take her home. What's more, she's a pretty nice cat too. and clean. and adorable. Oh no, I miss her sooo much, Mama said don't be too hopeful, we might just lost her for good. It's just impossible for her to remember her way home. Oh Teh, please go home. I miss you soo much. I am missing my cats now.....

Short blog

2005-05-02T16:31:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I find short blogs are fun. I think those people who have been able to post short entries in their blogs are just wonderful. So this is my attempt to be just like those wonderful people. Here. is. a. short. entry. from. me.

Takde la hebat pon..

2005-05-02T16:20:00.000+08:00

English Genius
You scored 92% Beginner, 92% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 80% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 36% on Beginner

You scored higher than 29% on Intermediate

You scored higher than 86% on Advanced

You scored higher than 78% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid

Addiction and that Green Tin

2005-04-28T13:30:00.000+08:00

Who would not have drank Milo? I bet Nestle, the parent company is making millions each year through this product alone. Just practically every household in Malaysia has it. Add that to every single eating outlet, every mamak stall, every school and university canteen, you just name it, chances are every single place has Milo. Not just that, I remember while I was in secondary school, Milo is in everyone's private locker (despite the fact that we were not allowed to keep any food in the dormitory). It helped us to keep going. I woke up on Sunday morning and take out one packet of the 3-in-1 milo and indulge in the comforting feeling it offers. Another comfort food, this thing. When I was small, I seldom had my breakfast before going off to school, but my mama would force me to finish up my cup of Milo. There, I have mama to blame for my addiction towards Milo. Up to this day, I have Milo every single morning, well one of the reasons is because we only have two dinks to choose from, either Nescafe or the infamous Milo. Since I don't really fancy coffee, Milo is just a perfect substitute. So why suddenly there is so much chaos about Milo? Well, read this:

Milo naik harga mulai Jun

PETALING JAYA 26 April - Para penggemar minuman Milo di negara ini terpaksa membayar harga lebih mahal apabila pengeluarnya, Nestle Malaysia Bhd. (Nestle) menaikkan harga runcit produk itu di pasaran mulai Jun ini.
Pengarah Urusan Nestle, Sullivan O'Carroll berkata, harga produk itu yang merupakan penyumbang utama pendapatan syarikat dinaikkan antara tujuh hingga lapan peratus untuk memastikan syarikat tidak mengalami kerugian operasi.
Beliau menjelaskan, kenaikan harga terpaksa dibuat berikutan ketidaktentuan harga komoditi dan kadar tukaran asing yang menjejaskan pengeluaran produk Nestle termasuk Milo.
Katanya, tiga bahan mentah utama yang digunakan untuk menghasilkan produk Nestle mencatatkan kenaikan agak tinggi tahun lalu, menyebabkan kos operasi syarikat meningkat.
Tiga bahan mentah itu adalah minyak mentah, minyak sawit dan bahan pepejal susu kurang lemak (milk skimmed solid).
``Bagaimanapun, kenaikan itu masih belum diputuskan sepenuhnya. Kami akan cuba untuk meminimumkan kenaikan tersebut untuk tidak membebankan pengguna,'' katanya selepas mesyuarat Agung Tahunan ke-21 Nestle, di sini hari ini.

*******

Nestle isn't stupid, they know Milo is almost a necessity and the demand is pretty much inelastic. Substitutes? I would say many have tried to rival with it, namely Cadbury Hot Chocolate, Vico, Ovaltine, but these are just not the same as Milo. No perfect substitute. Now I wonder what they put in it that makes it just soo addictive. Drugs? perhaps.
Now it is not a question whether the price would increase or not, that is sure to happen already, and now, would the demande for it change? One wonders whether customers would switch to other forms of comfort drink such as Cadbury Hot Choc? I don't know about others, but to me, nothing could really replace the green tin contents. I am addicted.